“She’s good and sweet now, but just wait until she turns thirteen.”
“Our whole family walks on eggshells around our fifteen year old.”
“I never know what I’m going to get each day with him. I’m just waiting for puberty to end.”
The teen years have their own flavor and distinct challenges, that is for sure. However, we often let those challenges overshadow the things that are true of all of us as image-bearers of our God. How many of us with younger children live in fear of the dreaded teen years? Or when we get there feel we just have to steel ourselves until they are over?
Parents, pastors, teachers, the Lord knows that you desire good things for your teens. He also knows that the journey is not always easy. But we have hope that in the gospel, every age and stage can bring about growth. So let’s talk about how we can engage the hearts of our teens and tweens.
A Paradigm of the Heart
Luke 6:45 says, “The good person out of the good treasure of his heart produces good, and the evil person out of his evil treasure produces evil, for out of the abundance of the heart his mouth speaks.”
This verse has personally convicted me many times, but the teen years offer us a unique opportunity to apply this truth to ourselves and our children. Why? Because the changes that are taking place in them, the pressures they face, and their increasingly important extra-familial relationships can work against the truth of this verse.
We can be tempted to focus on the external expressions of their hearts (i.e. their behaviors and choices) and to dismiss our own sinful responses when those expressions don’t align with what we hope for. By contrast, we can choose to overlook unhealthy heart motives when their behaviors do align with what we want.
In every interaction with our teens and tweens it is important to recognize that there are two active hearts: theirs and ours. In order to effectively address their hearts, we must start by being aware of our own.
It Starts With Me
To aid us in getting a hold of our own hearts, here are a few diagnostic questions. If we are honest with ourselves, we might find that simply being aware of the answers to these questions can improve our approach to our children.
1) What do I really desire for and from my teen? What does that say about my own heart?
What do I want for my teen? As believers, we would most likely state up front that we want our children to be people who love the Lord and love others. But functionally, there are other desires that often take first place. Maybe we want them to make better choices, get good grades, have friends who are a positive influence, get into a good college, and be healthy and safe. These are good things, but have they become ultimate things? The things we want more than anything?
What do I want from my teen? Maybe deep down we want our children to be obedient so that our lives can be easier. Maybe we want them to excel so that we can feel affirmed that we are doing a good job as parents. Perhaps we want them to show appreciation and respect because we feel we deserve it. Recognizing these deep desires requires honesty and vulnerability. If any of these take the front seat to our desire for God to be glorified in their lives and in ours, we need to pause.
Living out of any or all of these desires – essentially worshiping them – will break down how we communicate with and care for our children.
2) What do I fear for my teen?
Fear can be a huge factor in how we engage with our teens. There is a truly scary world out there and to deny it would be naïve. But rather than being paralyzed by fear or trying to control every aspect of their lives, we need to prepare them to respond in faith to the temptations and pressures they will inevitably face.
If we ourselves choose to live out of fear, we are teaching our children that God is small or that He is far away or that maybe He is not in control after all. Choosing to walk by faith means that we must know who our God is. Are there areas in your life where you don’t trust Him? Come to Him honestly about your fears.
3) What am I doing that hinders communication?
Are you prone to making assumptions before you’ve allowed your teen to share? Do you tend to fly off the handle at the slightest whiff of disrespect? Do you launch into lengthy diatribes hoping that something will stick? (I’m guilty of that one.) Do you expect your teen to answer you immediately when you’ve asked a hard, probing, or accusatory question? Do you resort to guilt or shame to try to get them to do better?
Imagine being on the receiving end of some of the ways we communicate with our teens. We can again pause and ask ourselves what our own motivations are in communicating in these ways. Very often for me, the answer goes back to one of the first two questions. I have had many occasions when I have had to ask for forgiveness, not just for my words and tone, but for the heart behind them.
Practices to Draw Out Your Teen’s Heart
So what does it look like to draw out your teen’s heart in real life? Here are a few broad principles to start with.
Be present. I have often expressed my concern over my children’s generation’s obsession with their phones and social media. Then, every so often my astute younger daughter will point out that I also spend a good portion of my days with my phone in my hand (ouch!). I may have valid excuses (I’m emailing, working, reading the news, ordering your new shoes, etc.), but in the end, what she sees is my face glued to my phone.
Of course, it doesn’t have to be the phone that distracts us. We live busy lives, and while there are certainly things we need to attend to, perhaps we can all take an intentional step toward being present. Allowing space for meaningful conversation is the first step.
Be patient. “I guess I’m mad at you that we moved.” It took my younger daughter about two months to express this. Until then, I took her grumpiness and attitude as signs of sadness that we had just moved across the country. One long weekend we took a family trip and I sat with her on the couch and waited. I asked her some questions, paused, and didn’t assume or accuse, and eventually she made that confession with tears.
Teens often don’t know what they are feeling, or they are feeling many things at once. Allow them the time they need to recognize and express what they are experiencing. Patience is hard, but we have a God who specializes in this and He will help.
Be prudent. I read a blog post recently that said this when it comes to raising teens: “Major on the majors.” In other words, we need to be wise in the things we go to battle for. Too often for me, the things I pick at are simply preferences that I choose to elevate to the level of law.
Certainly there are times when we need to call out sin or help our children see the foolishness of their decisions, but if we make every matter equally weighty, pretty soon we will sound like the teacher in the old Peanuts cartoons, “Wah wah wah, wah wah.”
As with so much in parenting, this tendency to major on minors often goes back to our own hearts. Instead, ask, “What does scripture emphasize?” or “Where is my child truly on the wrong path?”
Be prayerful. All of this is hard and requires a lot of intentionality, maybe intentionality that we don’t feel we have the energy or capacity for. But knowing that the care of our children’s souls is of primary importance, we ask for help. There is very little that we can control, but we have a God who is over all. Ask him for help. And as you do, you may be surprised at how He can work in your relationship with your children as He works in your own heart.
Drawing Out Your Teen’s Heart in Conversation
Maybe you’re thinking, “It’s hard to converse with my teen about deep things. What can these conversations look like?” Here are some general principles to get us on our way.
Don’t start with WHY. Why questions are hard to answer. Do you immediately know why you did something? It often takes a lot of reflection. Even for adults. How much more difficult for teens to answer those why questions? This doesn’t mean we can’t get there, it just means we might have to help them along the way.
Enter into their experience. Love cares about the details. Some teenagers are notoriously reticent, but we can help draw them out. Gently ask for more information, be interested and appreciative of what they share, make suggestions if they seem stuck, but guard against getting frustrated if they don’t give as much as you want. It may take time to chip away at long-formed patterns of communication.
Help them identify emotions and recognize their own fears and motivations. If your teen does share an experience with you, listen not only for the story, but for the emotions they are feeling. Do you hear anger? Happiness? Resentment? Jealousy? Sadness? Point out the emotions that you hear and then invite them to dialogue about it.
Teens struggle to understand their own actions and responses. Rather than assuming motives (which can often be received as accusation), ask questions that help them dig deeper into their own responses. You might be surprised at their insightfulness when gently encouraged to look beneath the surface.
Some example questions: Can you tell me more about that? What did you fear would happen? What outcome did you want? How did you hope they would respond? How did you want to be seen?
Remind them that they are loved and accepted. To be honest, there are moments when I fear that my children will not love God and people. I see their sin or weaknesses and my gut reaction is to respond in unrighteous anger or to shame them.
But then I am reminded of how I am loved: how in my own sin and weakness God did not turn his back on me but demonstrated compassionate and redemptive love. He loves my children this way too, and calls me to be a vessel of the same love.
Even when they fail, especially when they fail, remind them that they are loved by you and by a heavenly Father who will never turn away.
This article is part of our Teen Mental Health Series.
Photo Credit: Gaelle Marcel