SOLA Network had the privilege of speaking to Jonathan Holmes, founder and Executive Director of Fieldstone Counseling. He also serves as the Pastor of Counseling for Parkside Church Bainbridge and Green. Jonathan Holmes spoke to Aaron Lee, social media manager at SOLA Network, about how churches can support adoptees and parents of adoptees.
Their conversation included:
- Jonathan’s journey discovering his heritage and biological family
- How to care for adoptees and their trauma
- How to advise adoptees or parents of adoptees who are struggling to live in the present while wanting to discover their past
- Speaking to people considering adoption
- How the church can talk about and support adoptions
We hope you are blessed and challenged by their conversation.
Watch the interview on YouTube, listen to the audio on Podcasts, or read the transcript below. Please note the transcript has only been lightly edited and may contain spelling or grammatical errors.
More SOLA Network Resources featuring Jonathan Holmes:
- Article: Addressing the Struggles of Adoptees with the Father’s Love
- Interview: How to Help Someone who Struggles with Pornography: An Interview with Deepak Reju and Jonathan Holmes
Aaron Lee: All right, Jonathan. Good to see you. You’ve written about and talked about your adoption. I hear that you are undertaking a journey into discovering your heritage and biological family. Can you describe that journey for us?
Jonathan Holmes: Yeah, probably about five or six years ago, I had, I don’t know, I think like many adoptees just decided that the time has come where I wanted to learn more about my birth family, and just had a lot of questions about identity and ethnicity and wanted to at least avail myself of anything that was possible to pursue answers for that. So I tried about five or six years ago through my adoption agency and hit a little bit of a dead end and kind of just decided to call it quits. And then just this past year,decided to pursue it again, after some different circumstances. And I took a DNA test and was able to get matched to a relative. And that happened in December. And since then, it’s just been a real journey. So the journey is still in progress, in many ways of, I think, learning more about my past and learning about myself and learning about this new extended family.
Aaron Lee: Okay, so you said you hit a dead end? Yeah. How did that make you feel? And I would have been like, I don’t know. Quit and be like, Okay, I’m done with this. I’m gonna go back.
Jonathan Holmes: You know, it’s a good question. I think, you know, I pursued it with the adoption agency. And they tell you, at some point, they say, if you hit a dead end, a lot of times, that is, for one or two reasons, either one you’re adopted, your biological parents, we can’t find them, like there’s no address. Or another option is they don’t want to be contacted. They kind of want to move forward. And I think, in my mind, I tried to tell myself that it was, oh, maybe they just couldn’t find them.
But there’s always that gnawing sense, I think of just a fear of rejection, a fear of not being wanted, where you may think, well, maybe they don’t want to be found. And maybe they don’t want to have that connection or to have that discovery. And so I think I’d be lying if I said, it didn’t affect me at all. But I think the part of it where it does affect you is there’s this the sense of, you know, am I wanted, and am I accepted? And is there somebody that’s on the other side of the story who wants to be connected to you? So I think wanting to at least give it a second try was maybe an attempt to say, hey, I don’t want to give up that easily.
Aaron Lee: Yeah. Okay, I do want to go to the part right now, where you currently are. But, before we get there, theologically, what’s running through your mind? Because you’re a pastor. And you’re a counselor. So you have all this theological knowledge about God being. But how does that play? And how does that interact with as you know, as researching
Jonathan Holmes: Right, right. Yeah, you know, I think theologically and as a pastor, I think, especially in earlier adoption stories, there’s such a push to really theologize adoption in a good way. So, you know, God’s sovereign, this was his plan for your life. He picked this family out for you. You’re so lucky you got saved from this horrible life. And I think a huge burden sometimes that gets placed on adoptees is this theology of gratitude and gratefulness where you should be really thankful.
But it doesn’t also get accompanied with a theology of loss and trauma of this adoption also represents a significant trauma and loss not only for the birth parents, but also for the adoptee. And so I think, you know, pretty much all through like growing up and through like my adolescence and even into early college, I just, I just, I think tried to repeat that narrative to myself of Listen, this probably was God’s best for my life. I should just feel really thankful.
So anytime I did have feelings of I think wanting to connect with either my ethnicity, my culture. I don’t know, I think I just tried to honestly kind of squash it down and minimize it. And I think over time, I’ve just realized I think both of those things can be held in tension. I think I can still be grateful for how the Lord’s worked in my life, but still have a longing and a desire to learn more about my birth family and my adoption.
Aaron Lee: Yeah, yeah. And right now, you said you’re currently on the journey? How do you feel right now?
Jonathan Holmes: Yes, yes. You know, it’s been, you know, I tell people, it’s been one of the sweetest, most surreal, most unforgettable experiences of my life. I think that when I took the DNA test, I never in a million years would have imagined that this would have been the outcome.
And just in God’s providence, I think in being connected and finding a family, I think it just taps into this very human reality and experience where we all want to be accepted. We all want to be a part of a family. And I think in many ways, you know, that hole or that piece that a lot of adoptees talk about in terms of, hey, this is this is a piece that’s just missing. I don’t think it’s all the way there, but I just feel like the Lord’s really helping me make progress in that.
Aaron Lee: Yeah. And I thank you for writing the article that you did for SOLA, where you share some of your journey. On the article, you talked about. You talked about the adoption dilemma. Do you can you can you kind of rephrase that?
Jonathan Holmes: Yeah, again, I think that, you know, I think part of the big dilemma is this idea where we’re supposed to be really thankful for our adoption, and be thankful for our adopted parents, you know, this heavy theology of adoption, which I think is rightfully preached and proclaimed, especially within reformed circles.
But still this, I would say, very human reality of, you know, there’s always a lot of questions about your ethnicity, and about who you are in this culture. And so I think part of the dilemma then is spiritual, I think there’s a huge social dilemma, too.
I think part of the social dilemma is just, you’re never really white and fully accepted within those spaces, and you’re never fully accepted, or at least feel accepted within your own, you know, ethnicity or family of origin. And so it creates, I would say, in some ways, you know, for most of my life, I’ve been in majority white spaces and worked in a majority white church. It’s this odd dynamic, where, you know, inherently that you are different. But those differences, I think, not purposefully, but sometimes just subtly and overtly and unintentionally, just kind of get whitewashed over. So it’s sometimes can be really difficult to talk about, and to acknowledge them within some of those spaces, some of those dilemmas that you face.
Aaron Lee: So everybody can go and read your article, where you addressed that directly. But let’s, let’s move on to this other question. As a biblical counselor, how would you advise adoptees or parents of adoptees who are struggling to live in the presence while wanting to discover their past?
Jonathan Holmes: Yeah. You know, it’s a good question. I think that, you know, when I’m talking to other fellow adoptees, or talking to families or even considering adoption, I think one of the things that just over the past 5-10 years is, there’s just been a lot more writing and a lot more resources on it than there were, say 20-25 years ago.
I would say one of the biggest things I tell families is just to acknowledge adoption as loss. That there’s always a loss and a trauma associated with adoption, and Bessel Van der Kolk, who wrote a really well known book that a lot of people have read now called The Body Keeps Score. He talks about trauma. And he says, all trauma is pre-verbal, meaning that a lot of the trauma that a lot of people face their experiences, they’re even hard for us to put words to, it’s not like we can fully articulate this is what trauma is, and this is what abuse is.
And I would say I’ve I personally have felt that I don’t want to say that that’s how every adoptee feels, but I remember reading that and just really resonating with it, that there are these very deep longings and very deep sorrows and sadnesses associated with adoption that I think again, early on, I was kind of forced unintentionally to kind of suppress and quell underneath this, I think, understandable move to be grateful for the situation that you find yourself in.
So you know, I would really encourage families to be willing to talk about that, as early as possible, be willing to talk about the loss that’s there. And then to provide space for adoptees to handle that grief and loss in a variety of different ways. right not to hurry that process up, not to truncate that process, and not to offer you know, trite platitudes about God’s sovereignty, but to just sit with people in the midst of that.
Aaron Lee: I appreciate that. So you can fit this part out, but My first son is adopted. So his name is Linus. Transracial adoption. Yeah. And you know, that that piece where he said, Yeah, remember, it’s a traumatic experience. This trauma, I’m assuming he’s gonna be carrying with him, maybe, like, you know, as extreme. Right. always gonna be there. Yeah. And you’re telling me, Don’t ever dismiss that,
Jonathan Holmes: Right. Don’t dismiss it. And again, I don’t want to I don’t want to presume to speak for all adoptees because I know a lot of adoptees have different feelings about it but you know just the fundamental things that we know about attachment how important those early attachments are in childhood development and just knowing, you know, a child’s ripped away in many ways and you know, in a very horrible circumstance, you know, from their mother or from their father. And just understanding that those those losses are real and understanding that, you know, then that raises a whole host of questions of, you know, what’s something wrong with me,
You know, on my birth certificate from Korea, there are two boxes that are checked, there’s one box that says legitimate, and there’s another one that says illegitimate, and on my birth record, you know, it’s illegitimate. And, and again, it’s just a word, but you begin to realize words help shape your identity, and you grow up for 39 years. And, you know, the word that comes to mind is you are illegitimate, you’re not legitimate. And, you know, just understanding some of those dynamics, I think, as adopted parents, especially, I think adoption can be a really beautiful thing. But I think you can also attend to some of those early, early complexities and dynamics in a really meaningful and loving way.
Aaron Lee: That’s good. And yeah, that’s definitely our mindset, like how can you right now? Yeah, right. Yeah. Help him as he grows? So there’s not a lot of families that adopted in our church. Okay. How does your church maybe, you know, I saw on your website, it says adoption, like, that’s a specific ministry that encourage churches, maybe to look into this or to have this type of ministry?
Jonathan Holmes: Yeah, right. I would say I mean, approximately, we have a group that I think it’s called Embracing Families. And it’s really, I think, geared towards helping families kind of the front end, trying to help them navigate decisions about adoption, whether or not that’s a good fit for them. I think it probably tends more towards domestic foster care and adoption.
But you know, I would, I would just encourage churches to make spaces for adoptive families to even raise those topics of conversation, to be able if you don’t have the resources to point them in the direction of other resources. And a lot of times there, there aren’t even ones that you know about. So it’s a matter of like kind of tracking down people who can track down other people, but just being willing to support families in that particular way.
And especially for adoptees who are international just realizing that for a lot of them, if they’re growing up in more majority white spaces, that’s going to bring some significant challenges. That I think a lot of times those seeds are sown probably more in childhood and adolescence, but then when you get to be a little bit older, a lot of adoptees kind of have that fundamental turning point in their late 20s or 30s. of you know, who am I? And, you know, what is my background? And they really start to ask some of those important questions.
Aaron Lee: Okay, I want you to imagine that you’re speaking to somebody that’s considering adoption. Okay. Maybe they’re new, they’re sort of open to it. Would you encourage this? How would you encourage it?
Jonathan Holmes: Yes. Right. Yes, yes. Yeah, yeah, I would say I mean, at the front end, obviously, you know, make the decision with good counsel, seek other people out. You know, don’t pursue adoption to fill a hole. Like, you know, a lot of times the way that adoption gets framed is again, it puts you into a position of superiority. It puts the adoptee in a position of inferiority to where you are doing them a favor.
And so I would just want you know, if that was a part of the thinking, again, that wouldn’t be bad as much as it is just kind of our cultural water that we drink in, just really asking the Lord to change that theology of it’s not of, hey, I’m doing you a favor and bringing you on. But hey, this is something that I really feel like the Lord has laid on our heart and that we believe is a good fit for our family and for the Kingdom.
And then also, I would just say, be really willing to bear with the ups and downs of just the trials and the ups and downs of adoption and just realize that I think culturally in the media gets portrayed as this wonderful storyline, you know, people are going over to China, getting babies, bringing them back and living happily ever after.
But a lot of times those those children have struggles and just knowing Hey, be there for your child during the valleys as well as those mountaintop experiences and realize that like with any child there’s there’s going to be challenges and joys and privileges and responsibilities, but Um, people ask me, Are you still pro adoption? I’d say, absolutely. I believe in adoption, I think it can be a beautiful thing. I think it can be not a good thing for certain people. But I do think that can be a wonderful option for many others.
Aaron Lee: I love that that piece where you said, yeah, there’s gonna be ups and downs. Not exactly reading the fairy tale. Yes. You said that it’s part, you know, adoption can be a part of God’s Kingdom plans. Let’s talk about that. But yeah, how do you how do you see this fitting into the storyline of Scripture and played it out in reality and right, yeah. Speaking to God’s purposes and plans?
Jonathan Holmes: Yeah, you know, that’s a good question. I think that’s, you know, probably 10 years ago, I would have answered that question a lot differently. And, you know, it was just been, you know, you know, in God’s, you know, sovereign will, like, they’re just, there’s need, and there’s opportunity over here. And those two things kind of come together. And I would say now, like, I don’t know, I am trying to think through that question a little bit differently. And if anything, maybe the way I come at it from now is just, there is an opportunity for an expression of self sacrificial love that one of the beautiful things, I think, for adoption is it is an opportunity to display self sacrificial love for another person where I maybe self sacrifice certain comforts for myself, or certain things that I want.
I remember a friend of mine, who is adopting transracial. They were a white family adopting a black child. And they started to get advice from different people about that. And they were challenged, they said, Would you be willing to move to a predominantly black neighborhood to raise your black child, and that family really wrestled with it, but then they they decided to do that, because maybe their own personal preferences might be able to grow up in a white suburban, you know, area of a metropolitan area, but they realize that for their adopted child self sacrificial love and moving towards him, might mean helping him grew up in a context where he is going to see people like himself. And so for them, that was a movement that they could make. And, and so again, I say all that not prescriptively. Like, this is how you must do it. But it’s a possibility that at least I think that you can consider.
Aaron Lee: I feel like you have a lot of perspective on this. You know, and I do, it’s good that we can record this and get it out there. Okay, so we’re nearing the end. Let’s do maybe one more. And this is going to be talking directly to somebody who’s adopted. Yeah. Okay. And, you know, you can talk about the dilemma you can talk about from your experience, any words of encouragement, whether maybe they maybe they do know, their biological parents, maybe they don’t? Yeah, just what how can you encourage?
Jonathan Holmes: Right, right. If I was speaking to adopted kids and speaking to adoptees, I would say, take time and take space to really be open and honest about the things that you’re thinking and feeling. Don’t suppress those things. I find that when we suppress those things, we typically get emotionally dysregulated. It leads to a lot of other issues. But when we can be open and honest about some of these feelings of why was I given up? where’s my mom? why don’t I look like everybody else? What happens if I don’t love or get along with my adoptive parents?
All of those questions, I think what the Bible shows us is that the Bible is never dismissive of any of our concerns. It never minimizes pain or loss or suffering. But probably in quite the opposite way, Scripture invites us to come to the Lord with those questions whether or not we get answers to those questions—that’s not always guaranteed. But the invitation to be honest, in the invitation to be open about loss.
That was something I wish would have happened for me a lot earlier on in my own process, instead of suppressing instead of just trying to kind of put a happy face on everything, to be able to have some spaces with other people, with family members to just say, Hey, this is this is hard. Or I don’t understand this, or this is confusing for me. So if you are adopted, I would just encourage you, you know, maybe if right now you don’t have anyone in your life to do that with, you know, maybe just start journaling, maybe just start asking the Lord for help, to be honest and to be vulnerable about some of those spaces within your heart.
Aaron Lee: Jonathan, thanks for sharing your testimony. Thank you so much. Thank you.