Editor’s Note: This essay has been adapted from a video from Lighthouse Community Church that was published on July 1, 2020. You can watch it here. It has been updated and published with permission from the author.
For much of my 20s, I held tightly onto an ideal roadmap of when I was going to get married and have children. But as my 20s came and went, anxieties crept up surrounding when this plan was going to come to fruition. I was often met with a lot of well-intentioned (yet misleading and detrimental) statements that planted a lot of ideas of where to place my hope:
“Don’t worry! You’re still young. You’ll meet that guy soon!”
“You’re such a nice girl. You’ll definitely get married one day.”
“You’ll meet a guy when you least expect it.” Or worse, “You’ll meet a guy when you learn to be fully content in God.”
I started to place my hope for happiness in obtaining a new relationship status. But as I saw more and more of my friends get married and have kids, and it became clear that my ideal plan was starting to slip away, I started to panic and became very discontent in my singleness.
I’ve waxed and waned between two sinful perspectives on my singleness: 1.) Singleness as a curse as I watched others get married, and 2.) Singleness as a selfish gift to do whatever I wanted with my time and resources.
But through God’s grace, I am fighting these mindsets and replacing them with his truth from Scripture. Just as Israel was hoping for a military and political leader in Jesus, I had been looking at Jesus as someone who would grant me what I thought would be my “happy ending.” I needed to see Him as so much more: my source of joy and salvation.
Here are two Biblical perspectives God has taught me in my season of singleness.
1. Singleness is a Good Gift From God
“Every good thing given and every perfect gift is from above, coming down from the Father of lights, with whom there is no variation or shifting shadow.” James 1:17
I had a hard time seeing my singleness as a gift (much less a good and perfect gift) from the Lord. I often wondered why I was still single, and the lies of the world would creep into my head: “Are there reasons why I am still single? Am I too chatty? Am I too weird? Do I need to dress differently?”
In this time of safer-at-home, it can be especially easy to be tempted to think, “This would all be so much easier if I was married and not alone. Being safer at home would be more palatable if I could share it with someone” or “What if I were to get sick from COVID-19? Who would take care of me? Being married would make it easier for me to get through being sick.”
But God has blessed me with constant reminders from faithful sisters that I am single because God lovingly wills me to be and deems this is what is best for me, and that God knows that this is what is most glorifying to Him. Otherwise, He would will me to no longer be single. If this season of life is what is most glorifying to God, then that truly is a gift.
This season of being at home has also reminded me of the blessing of being in fellowship with others at my church. Being single does not have to mean being lonely, especially when I can walk alongside others in our church who are in the same season of life as me.
I have also been challenged to find my delight in the Lord. There were times when friends would get engaged, get married, or ask me to be a bridesmaid, and my single state felt so magnified – I would feel so discouraged and lonely. But in those times, God was gracious to point me to the cross and show me that my joy is not in what my relationship status is or what I perceived to be a “perfect future,” but in Christ. My joy isn’t Christ just because He’s the right choice or decision, but because He is the most glorious object of my affection.
Hebrews 11:24-25 “By faith Moses, when he had grown up, refused to be called the son of Pharaoh’s daughter, choosing rather to endure ill-treatment with the people of God than to enjoy the passing pleasures of sin, considering the reproach of Christ greater riches than the treasures of Egypt; for he was looking to the reward.”
This truth has freed me from frustrating attempts at finding satisfaction in worldly relationships because God has shown me that Christ is greater than any riches on this earth. Delighting in my relationship with Christ has given me the strength to cast aside so many of the lies that entered my heart and the discouragement that weighed me down.
2. Singleness is to be Stewarded for the Lord
When I wasn’t seeing my singleness as a burden, sometimes the pendulum would swing towards seeing it as a great opportunity to take advantage of my available free time and resources for selfish gain. My singleness became a means to live a comfortable and self-centered life.
It has been easy to see my time, energy, and money as things that I’ve earned the right to have to myself. I thought, “If I’m not married, that means more time and money for myself, right?” From a worldly perspective, your single years are supposed to be the perfect time to travel, eat at nice restaurants, and buy nice things before you’re tied down by marriage and kids. God reminded again me of stewarding this season and gift of singleness for His glory, not my own.
“Look carefully then how you walk, not as unwise but as wise, making the best use of the time, because the days are evil.” Ephesians 5:15-16
While this passage speaks to all believers, in my case, I looked at how I had been using this season of life. It has been convicting to see how self-centered I had been in how I wanted to use my vacation time, my time after work, my resources, and my relationships.
It’s easy to be disappointed because COVID-19 canceled your vacation plans. Sometimes it’s hard to want to sacrifice time to serve at church, go on missions, or help babysit your friends’ kids when you think of all the time and money you could be using for yourself. Especially in this time at home, I can easily watch Netflix all day and skip fellowship opportunities to avoid praying for others. But God has gently shown me again that finding my joy in the Gospel frees me to love and serve others, and to steward this time well.
Content In This Season
This time of safer-at-home can often be perceived by the world as “missed opportunities to meet people and go on dates.” People feel bad that I have to forgo precious months to find someone. Those thoughts have also gone through my mind — “losing a year” of time to find “Mr. Right.”
But I know that if I go on dates, it’s not a guarantee or my escape door to a better life; I don’t look at dating relationships or marriage as a given or something I’m entitled to have. While marriage is a good gift from God, it is also a temporary thing o
f this world and something I should not hold above loving God.
God can choose to gift me with marriage if it’s something He deems best: If I can glorify God better together in marriage with someone, God will bring that to fruition. As much as I would like to be married, I also know that if God deems singleness as how I will best glorify Him right now, I can be content in that as well.
I am so thankful God has worked (and continues to work) in my heart to see this season of life as one that cherishes Jesus and to find joy in the Gospel instead of worldly expectations and relationships. I pray that is a truth we can all put our hope in.
“Though the fig tree should not blossom, nor fruit be on the vines, the produce of the olive fail and the fields yield no food, the flock be cut off from the fold and there be no herd in the stalls, yet I will rejoice in the Lord; I will take joy in the God of my salvation.” (Habakkuk 3:17)