I am tired of being the strong girl, the one who claims to have it all together at every hour of every day. The one who doesn’t need help, the one who doesn’t need love, gentleness, or mercy.
I’m tired of being her.
For years of my life, I lived in a constant state of fight or flight. Thinking the world was on my shoulders and one wrong move would cause me to crumble and my world too. I lived with this idea that if I kept it together, if I took care of it, if I was in charge, then I would be safe. Then everything would be okay, I wouldn’t get hurt, and I would be kept from all harm.
The funny thing is, Life does not work that way. More so than not, it tests and tries the tender and soft part of you. I imagine Jesus looking at me. Holding my face and saying “My child, I will never leave or forsake you, I will never let you down, I will never hurt you. My child, this world has hurt you, and it will hurt you, it will let you down, and it will disappoint you. But I never will. I will always be with you, and I will always care for you.”
Some of us have been deeply wounded by this world, betrayed by those that we love most, or those that we thought we could trust. We developed the need to be in control, the need to take charge, the desire to harden our hearts. Fear took hold of us and decided to never let us go. Pain wrote our narrative and disappointment became the norm. I am learning every day that I do not have to carry the world on my shoulders, and my life is no longer in my hands but in the one who has the best plan for it.
That gives me permission to be honest, to question God when I don’t understand what He’s doing, to heal from the years of hurt I inflicted upon others and the hurt others did to me, and to allow myself to breathe and let go. To enjoy the moment and live again. Live without fear of the future, or worry about tomorrow. To invest deeply in where I am, open myself up to love again, and live one day at a time.
In this world, we will suffer, but I would much rather suffer with Him than without Him. I remember what suffering without God was like; it was hopeless and devastating. It led me to the darkest of places.
Suffering with Christ is holding onto the hope that it will end and that God is with me.
Jesus says in His word John 16:33, “Take heart for I have overcome the world.” Jesus does not promise a life without pain, hardship, sorrow, or loss. But He does promise us Himself. He promises that He will be with us, He promises that He will walk with us, and He promises that He will never let us go.
A Poem for Meditation
There is goodness in the garden of your grief.
A mixed offering of wrath, and a loud voice of hope in the One who knows it all.
I pray that anger becomes a seed, more than it does a form of destruction.
I pray that grief is a becoming more than it is an undoing.
Editor’s Note: This article was originally published on Lily’s Substack. It has been edited and republished here with the author’s permission, along with the photos which are the author’s original work.
Header Photo Credit: Lily P. Mclaughlin