I still remember sitting nervously in the lobby of my church back in 2011, waiting to be interviewed for what I considered my dream job. My mind raced as I tried to anticipate the questions that I might face. Would I be asked to solve shepherding scenarios or be drilled on doctrinal distinctives?
But when the pastor finally invited me into his office, something unexpected happened. There were no trick questions or tests of competence. He simply said, “We’d like to offer you the position, but our goal isn’t to use you to meet a need. God doesn’t need any of us. Our hope is to invest in you, and we trust that God will bless that investment for His kingdom.”
I’ll never forget that moment. It was an act of kindness that disarmed my self-protection and planted something deep within me: a vision for leadership that focused on investing in and discipling leaders rather than extracting their maximum value.
That elder’s decision to lead with kindness created a sense of excitement to serve because the desire in hiring me was simply to disciple me, invest in me, and care for my heart for the sake of the kingdom. I was not hired because I was impressive or out of desperation to meet the urgent needs of the church. I was hired with a sense of hope that God will build his church (Matt 16:18), he doesn’t need any of us. But these leaders were excited to serve me and see what God’s grace would do through me. The kindness of that first interview modeled Christ’s authority of looking for opportunities to serve rather than to be served, and this kindness continues to define the shepherding ministry and staff culture of our church.
The Quiet Power of Kindness in Church Leadership
We live in an era when leadership failures are frequently exposed. Abuse of power can easily take root in the pastoral office, not because pastors set out to be cruel, but meeting the endless needs of a church can drive leaders toward a performance mindset, and they don’t know how to invite care for their own hearts. When pastoral ministry culture prioritizes giving, doing, producing, and meeting needs over receiving care, kindness can quietly disappear.
We must remember that discipleship is primarily about imitation. Imitation was the Apostle Paul’s word for discipleship. He never used the words ‘disciple’ or ‘discipleship’; he simply called churches to imitate him (1Cor 11:1) or other examples of Christ (1Thess 2:14). So when pastors don’t have faithful brothers in Christ investing in them, gently caring for their hearts, and displaying the kindness of Christ to them, then they won’t have a reference point to imitate in order to promote the Christlike relational culture that their church needs.
Despite some cultural notions, kindness is not sentimental or soft. Biblical kindness is the active use of strength for someone else’s good. In Scripture, words translated as “kindness” carry meanings like loyal love, faithfulness, generosity, and benevolence. But more than dictionary definitions, we learn about kindness through observing the grace-filled relationships in Scripture such as God’s kindness toward his people (Hos 11:4) or David’s kindness to Mephibosheth (2 Sam 9:1). Kindness always describes relationships where one person uses their resources to provide for someone else’s needs. So even in passages where you don’t see the word “kindness”, you might still behold the kindness of God and see that fruit of the Spirit being lived out (Gal 5:22). When pastors embody that same posture toward their staff and congregation, they reflect the Shepherd who never wounds to protect Himself but always sacrifices to protect His sheep.
When Kindness Fades, Cruelty Grows
The Bible doesn’t contrast kindness with “unkindness.” It contrasts kindness with cruelty. Proverbs 11:17 says, “A man who is kind benefits himself, but a cruel man hurts himself.”
Cruelty in ministry doesn’t always look like overt abuse. It can begin in small things, with what holds our attention. As our focus stays preoccupied with needs and tasks, we become blind to the grace at work in those we lead, blind to God’s daily kindness toward us, and are preoccupied with our own performance. In this state of mind, we cannot share the grace of Christ with others because we are not enjoying it ourselves.
Take a moment to use the following questions to evaluate your relationship with your staff and members and ask God to reveal any cruelty you may have displayed toward them:
- Have you justified harsh words as “being honest”?
- Have you spiritualized overwork as “faithfulness”?
- Have you held onto bitterness toward staff for their poor performance or toward members for having too many needs?
- Are your staff or church members reluctant to give you honest or negative feedback?
- Do you primarily engage with people when you need something from them rather than when they need care from you?
- Do you find yourself dismissing or avoiding input that challenges your ideas or exposes your weaknesses?
- Do you check in on the spiritual and emotional health of your team or mainly their productivity?
- Do you crave affirmation more than you seek accountability?
As you reflect on potential moments of cruelty, each one should serve as a flashing warning light indicating that you’re losing sight of how God sees his church and how he wants you to shepherd his flock.
Four Steps to Cultivate Pastoral Kindness
If pastors are to lead communities that exalt Christ, we must prioritize kindness. Here are four simple Spirit-led steps that leaders can regularly take to protect ministries from cruelty and nurture a culture of care:
- Meditate on the Kindness of Christ. We cannot extend what we have not received. Pastoral kindness begins by lingering over God’s own kindness to us: the patience, forgiveness, and mercy that meet us daily in Christ. His kindness is on display in the beauty that surrounds us in creation. When we rest in His kindness, ministry becomes overflow, not performance.
- Affirm God’s Grace at Work in Your Staff and Congregation. The Spirit transforms our vision so we no longer see staff as employees or congregants as consumers. We see them as image bearers to be loved and who display the Grace of God. When kindness governs our perspective, meetings become opportunities to celebrate God’s grace more than spaces of trying to get things done.
- Repent of Cruelty. We all carry tendencies toward self-protection, impatience, or indifference. Repenting of cruelty means naming the ways our leadership has hurt others. Start by looking for opportunities to confess sin: Where have you neglected to care for God’s flock? Where have you been defensive rather than humble? Where have you led with harshness? Allow the gospel to soften what a performance focused ministry has hardened.
- Practice Concrete Acts of Kindness. Kindness only becomes the culture when it is practiced. Pastors can model it in small ways: checking in on weary volunteers, listening without multitasking, confessing sin quickly, celebrating faithfulness, or protecting Sabbath rest for the team. Each act whispers that people matter more than output.
Kindness Makes Us Disciple-Oriented and Prevents Abuse
Abuse prevention doesn’t begin with policies; it begins with pastors in awe of God’s kindness to them in Christ. Policies are vital, but they can only reinforce what kindness has already built. A church led by kindness becomes a refuge. Staff members feel seen, not used. Congregants experience shepherds who correct gently, not crush harshly. The vulnerable find safety instead of suspicion.Pastor, your kindness may not make headlines, but it will help you make disciples who fear the Lord rather than their leaders. When you embody the heart of Christ toward those you lead, you protect the flock He has entrusted to your care and adorn the gospel with beauty. So before you plan your next event or write your next sermon, take a moment to ask: How will I embrace the kindness of Christ today and how will I reflect it to my team and people?