One of the consequences of COVID-19 has been an increase in visits to pornographic websites. Viewership has increased for several factors, including people being stuck at home and the fact that it is an outlet for those who feel isolated and lonely.
How can Christians and the church better understand sex addiction and pornography so that we can help those who are afflicted? How can those who are struggling with this addiction get help?
These were the topics covered in a conversation between Tim St. John, SOLA Editorial Board member and counseling pastor at Lighthouse Community Church, and Roy Kim, certified sex addiction therapist and licensed marriage and family therapist.
Tim St. John and Roy Kim talked about how to address pornography use and how to support people who need help. You can watch their conversation below or listen here.
We also encourage you to check out Roy Kim’s podcast on sex addiction: SA Speakeasy. “This podcast is for men and women who struggle with a sex addiction, yet don’t feel ready to talk about it or seek treatment.”
Here is one exchange from their conversation. It has been edited for length and clarity.
Tim St. John: How do we help someone struggling with a sex addiction?
Roy Kim: A lot of times these behaviors start when we’re young. I would say the majority of the people that I work with their sexual behaviors started when they’re around eight. They click on this one banner, and then here comes a pop-up and it’s like, “Oh my gosh, what is this?” When they start that young, your brain kind of latches on to these things.
I think that’s just the way that God designed the brain to be. The brain is such a complex organ, and the way that it’s structured is that the different parts of the brain are supposed to be in good communication with one another. But when you start to go down a path where you are watching something or experiencing something and all your neurons are firing up, well, your brains going to want that again. I saw it [described] in a great video, in which a lady narrates this short clip about how the brain works when it comes to sexual addiction.
[Stopping] might have started as a moral decision — Oh, maybe I shouldn’t do this. But now the brain has adapted to that thing, so it’s gonna want it, want it, want it. The more that you engage in that, the more that the brain’s structure actually changes to make it easier to get access and it’s easier to think about those things again and again.
So I try to help clients realize that not only could this be a spiritual issue, but maybe even more powerfully, there’s a brain issue going on. We want to lean on some of the good brain research out there.
“So I try to help clients realize that not only could this be a spiritual issue, but maybe even more powerfully, there’s a brain issue going on.
When you look at the brain structure of someone who is steeped in their addiction, and then you look at the brain structure of the same person after abstaining for 90 days, you’ll be amazed to see how the structure is different. It just shows that God made the brain to be a very malleable organ that can heal if given the proper time to abstain from harmful behaviors.
I try to teach people that these first 90 days are very important to give your brain rest. We’re not going to go deep into trauma, focus, or family of origin stuff. We’re not going to give yourself that opportunity to be traumatized and then try to go back to the porn to soothe yourself.
Instead, we’re just going to go towards — what is it in your life that you keep gravitating towards? Is it devices? Is it the massage parlor? Is it the strip clubs? Is it anonymous sex? What can we do, structurally speaking, so that you don’t have access to those things for 90 days. If it’s a porn blocker, if it’s a phone call from your sponsor every single day, if it’s going to group every single night, then so be it.
Then once we’re done with those 90 days and we’ve kind of really felt that your brain has had some time to heal, then we’ll roll up our sleeves some more, and start doing some of the deeper work of abandonment issues of fears of, of traumas of worthlessness.
This could be for Christians or non-Christians, just really doing that deeper work. For some Christians, they might even need to do some healing work when it comes to their own relationship with God or the church. Maybe they feel like God has done something to spite them or God has given blessings to other people and not to them. Because sometimes we feel so antagonized by God, even though Scripture says that’s not the case.
But you know, the mind has a way of convincing ourselves that this is true. When we really start to believe that not only is the world against us, but God is against us, too, there’s only one real way to get relief from that, and that is through these escape hatches. They have found ways to get to these escape hatches through sexual means when they feel like the whole world is against them, including their family and God. So there’s a protocol to follow as you go through this, and the research shows that these protocols really are effective for long-term sobriety.