As a biblical counselor in a predominately Asian American church, one of the most common issues that I counsel is adult children navigating difficult relationships with their Asian immigrant parents. A question that is often asked is how can they lovingly honor their parents when it feels like nothing they do will ever meet their parents’ expectations or if expectations of them seem harsh, unreasonable, or unbiblical?
A Worldly Definition of Honoring Your Parents
There are a number of cultural and generational differences that can make it difficult for Asian American adults to navigate loving their immigrant parents. First, many Asian cultures hold to the concept of filial piety: the belief in respecting, being loyal to, obeying, and caring for one’s elders. This concept can go as far as to say that individuals should defer to their parents’ judgment even in matters such as marriage and family life. And while Ephesians 6:1 commands that children obey their parents, as children enter adulthood, it is biblical that they become free and responsible to make their own choices in life (Gen 2:24). There are also times when parents may pressure their children to do something that goes against God’s revealed will. Therefore, honoring your parents cannot mean always obeying or agreeing with them (Acts 5:29, Matt 10:37). However, many of my counselees with traditional immigrant parents have learned that disobeying or disagreeing with their parents is a direct challenge against authority and a sign of disrespect.
The Consequences of Worldly Honor
I’ve seen honor and shame often used by parents to motivate or discourage their children. Financial status, educational attainment, and good reputation are important assets because they bring honor to the family whereas failure to obtain such assets bring shame. Tension can arise when children either disagree with their parents’ standards or fail to live up to their parents’ expectations.
My counselees often experience guilt tripping, shaming, and other negative consequences when they fail to meet their parents’ expectations. Sadly, it is not uncommon for these relationships to be oppressive, where the child is subject to the harsh and manipulative control of their parents. More extreme punishments have included emotional abuse, withdrawal of financial support, violence or threats of violence, and disownment. As a result, many of my counselees struggle with fear of facing negative consequences, confusion over how to navigate this relationship, guilt and shame for falling short of their parents’ expectations, and anger and hopelessness when they are repeatedly manipulated and guilt tripped. Yet as Christians, we are still called to honor and love our parents, so how can we do this when the task feels impossible?
A Biblical Definition of Love
Honoring someone is to give that person special recognition and to treat the individual with esteem, value, or great respect. Scripture makes it clear that we are called to honor specific groups of people including our parents, the elderly, and those in authority like church elders or government leaders (Eph 6:2, Lev 19:32, Rom 13:1). However, in order to correctly honor our parents, we must first start with a biblical definition of love.
Love can be defined as an unconditional commitment to an imperfect person that seeks their highest good. However, what makes Christian love radically different from the world’s definition of love is that it always focuses on the individual’s relationship with God. A person’s ultimate good is that he or she would know, obey, and enjoy Christ for His glory. Therefore, to love our parents—or to seek their highest good—means to consider what they need in each moment to grow in trusting and loving Christ.
Sometimes, their highest good means that you choose to overlook their sin and to live peaceably with them (Rom 12:18) as a demonstration of God’s mercy. Other times, love is helping your parents in their weaknesses even though it is time-consuming or financially costly because as Christians, we are called to consider others more than ourselves (Phil 2:3). Finally, biblical love can mean speaking or acting in a way that may not be what your parents expect or want.
Challenges of Love Biblically
In 1 Samuel 20, Jonathan is torn between obeying his father Saul and protecting his best friend, David, whom Saul seeks to kill. Jonathan first attempts to use ordinary means to protect David, such as speaking highly of David and trying to reason with Saul. But when all attempts fail, Jonathan ultimately chooses to aid David in escaping Saul’s house, even while knowing that his father would be furious at his supposed act of betrayal. Jonathan ultimately chooses to do the most God-honoring thing, which is to protect the life of an innocent man and his dear friend, even at the cost of facing his father’s wrath. Although Saul did not acknowledge it as such, Jonathan’s actions ultimately honored his father by preventing Saul from committing an even more egregious sin.
In the same way, Christ always chose to submit to the Father’s plan above the desires of man. When Peter protests Jesus’s plan to be killed at the hands of the religious leaders, Jesus rebukes him, saying, “Get behind me, Satan! You are a stumbling block to me; you do not have in mind the concerns of God, but merely human concerns (Mat 16:23).” Appeasing your parents may feel like love because you are giving them what they want and meeting their definition of love, but we must always ask ourselves the same question: am I merely considering human concerns or am I considering the things that God is concerned about? Therefore loving your parents can include speaking up against their sin in order to prevent further harm to you or to others, knowing that it may lead to relational conflict. Love can mean allowing your parents to experience consequences to their sin in order for them to understand that their actions are displeasing to God and that ultimately, they need to repent of their sins in order to receive salvation.
Loving your parents is no easy task, but God does not leave us in the dark on the topic of honoring difficult parents. In fact, God’s divine power has granted to us all things pertaining to life and godliness (2 Pet 1:3). We can trust that as we strive to love God and love others, He will equip us with the wisdom that we need. In Part 2 of this topic, I will provide 5 guiding questions to consider when thinking through what love may look like for your particular relationship with your parents.
Photo Credit: Steve Shreve