Five Questions to Help Navigate Your Relationship with Difficult Parents
Part 1 of this article can be found here.
When the subject of honoring parents is brought up in counseling, the question we are really asking is, what does love look like in the context of the parent-child relationship? While there is no formula to wisdom, Scripture offers biblical principles that you can use to navigate these seemingly impossible relationships with your parents. Here are five guiding questions to help you think through what it may look like to honor your parents.
1. Who am I dealing with? Admonish the unruly, encourage the fainthearted, help the weak, be patient with them all (1 Thess. 5:14)
In other words, what is the condition of your parents’ hearts? Are they unrepentant and abusive or emotionally immature but open to reason? Are they simply ignorant or intentionally manipulative? Scripture teaches us that in order to love, we must first understand the condition of their heart and use that to determine what their greatest good is and what a wise and appropriate response would be. For example, Proverbs 9:8 instructs to not reprove a scoffer, or he will hate you. But reprove a wise man, and he will love you. If your parents have demonstrated a pattern of unwillingness to listen and take ownership over their wrongs, it is godly wisdom to avoid confronting their sin and to keep things cordial and even superficial. On the other hand, if your parents have demonstrated a willingness to receive feedback, love would be to patiently and gently establish new patterns of communication with them, even if it may be awkward, time-consuming, or frustrating.
2. Are these godly standards or worldly standards? For the Lord sees not as man sees: man looks on the outward appearance, but the Lord looks on the heart (1 Sam 16:7)
When your parents place certain expectations or standards onto you, you can take a step back and ask, does God hold me to these standards? Expectations about physical appearance, educational attainment, or financial status are all worldly standards that God does not measure us by. Rather, God evaluates us by the conduct of our character and the intentions of our heart. What we judge as right or wrong must be determined by Scripture. Similarly, love is defined in 1 Corinthians 13 to be patient, kind, humble, persevering. Love is not defined as always agreeing with your parents. It does not mean automatically giving your parents a say in how you raise your children. It does not mean breaking up with a partner for unbiblical reasons. We must ask ourselves if God would hold us to these standards, and if He doesn’t, then we do not need to subject ourselves to them.
3. What are my God given responsibilities vs concerns? Honor your father and your mother, that your days may be long in the land that the LORD your God is giving you ( Exodus 20:12)
The fifth commandment says that children should honor their parents. It is God’s desire that we care for our parents and consider their needs. When you are interacting with your parents, it is your responsibility to let your words be gracious and seasoned with salt (Colossians 4:6). It is your responsibility to fight bitterness and not be overcome with evil, but to overcome evil with good (Romans 12:21). However, it is not your responsibility to meet all your parents’ physical, emotional, or spiritual needs. It is not your responsibility to mediate conflict between your parents. It is not your responsibility to ensure your parent’s salvation or their happiness. These are things that only God has control over. Therefore we must let go of the expectations that may be placed on us or that we place on ourselves to do what only God can do. Rather, in trust, we can submit our concerns to God in prayer, but ultimately let go of the burdens that we are not capable of carrying.
4. Am I sinning or not? For godly grief produces a repentance that leads to salvation without regret, whereas worldly grief produces death – 1 Corinthians 7:10
As simple as this question may sound, the immediate gut reaction that many of my counselees experience is overwhelming guilt whenever they fail to meet their parents’ expectations. However guilt is only appropriate when we have committed a sin before God. For example, you should feel guilty about cheating on a test, but you wouldn’t need to feel guilty about accidentally breaking a cup. Mistakes, areas of weakness, and ignorance are all things we can learn and grow from, but we do not need to feel guilty. If you can objectively say that what you did was not sin, then you can reject the feelings of false guilt that may come as a result of experiencing your parent’s disapproval and have freedom to move forward with a clear conscience.
5. Am I being motivated out of fear or love? There is no fear in love, but perfect love casts out fear (1 John 4:18).
Obeying your parents may feel like the loving thing to do, but God cares more about our heart motivation. If you are obeying your parents out of fear of negative repercussions, then your obedience is not necessarily loving or God-honoring, even if it may appease your parents in the moment. Love is to do nothing from selfish ambition or conceit, but to consider the interests of others (Phil 2:3-4). The path of least resistance may outwardly look like peace, but may not actually be what your parents need most at that moment. Again, consider what is their greatest good, not what will make things easiest for you.
Ultimately, our greatest purpose in obeying the commandment to honor our parents is so that God can be glorified and his perfecting work in us can be brought to completion. It can be tempting to feel discouraged and confused when our pursuit of love is met with backlash. But know that even when there are times that your parents may view your “honor” towards them as “dishonor,” you can rest knowing that you have made it your aim to please God. He will aid and comfort you, and you can persevere in loving your parents who may reject a gospel love that does not conform to their cultural traditions or expectations.
Photo Credit: Marco Ceschi