We are made to draw near to each other in times of grief. Romans 12:15 calls us to weep with those who weep. But what do you do if your Skype connection is interrupted while a friend is in tears? That vulnerable friend who longs for a hug but is settling for the sound of your voice is left staring at your frozen image on a screen. This is one example of the complicated mourning and profound pain of losing someone you love in this season.
Scripture frequently points to the importance of closeness with others in the face of great loss: loved ones gathering at Lazarus’ passing, Paul reminding a grieving church to encourage one another, and God himself pointing to his nearness as our great hope in the face of loss. (See John 11:19, 1Thess 4:18, Psalm 23:4, Psalm 34:18, Isaiah 41:10)
All of these examples point to the reality that we need God and one another to be near as we grieve. So, what do we do when we cannot share a meal, hug a friend, or wipe away a tear? Where do we go with our grief when we are limited from physical closeness with others?
Our Heavenly Father knows that total isolation is not what we need when we’re grieving. He wants to be on the receiving end of our grief and he promises to listen. No technology can prevent God from hearing your pain, identifying with your pain, and sustaining you through the pain. Scripture is full of images showing how much God wants us to draw near to him in our suffering — He counts your tossings and turnings, he puts your tears in a bottle, he writes your pain in his book, he hears your every cry, your darkness is not dark to him, and many more. (See Psalm 56:8, Psalm 116:1-2, Psalm 139:12.)
Our close relationships, when they are at their best, bear this image of Christ to us. Like Christ they hear us, care for our tears, accept us, and don’t offer quick fixes or silver linings. Yet through prayer and sensitivity, they are somehow able to take us by the hand and journey with us toward Christ through the suffering. Distance from our friends who reflect Christ to us is an additional loss in a season of grief. So, what can we do? Scripture points to a critical way to express the messiness and complexity of our grief to God: lament.
Lament is how Christians talk honestly with God in the valley of the shadow of death and experience him restoring their souls. Here are four elements of lament to help you pray through your current suffering and find the nearness of God.
1. Pray Honestly
Example from Psalm 55:4-6 (ESV):
“My heart is in anguish within me; the terrors of death have fallen upon me. Fear and trembling come upon me, and horror overwhelms me. And I say, “Oh, that I had wings like a dove! I would fly away and be at rest;”
In lament, you are moving toward God with an honest story of sorrow. Grief is messy and can be filled with confusing and unanswerable questions, but God wants us to pour out everything racing through our minds to him. Your grief might be complicated by temptations toward things like:
- Legalistic guilt: “Why did they die while I get to live?”
- Anger: “Why is this happening during a pandemic?!”
- Envy: “Why can’t our lives look like someone else’s?
- Doubt, “God isn’t good, how could he be good in this season?”
- Anxiety, “What will I do without them? How will I face life without them?”
It will take faith to move towards God with your pain, especially if he doesn’t feel real or safe and life seems out of control. But he wants every part of your life to come before him. He wants your pain, questions, feelings, confusion, and doubts. So, as you tell your story honestly to him, talk freely.
To help you pray in this way, consider these two questions:
- What thoughts, emotions, and questions do you want to hide from people in this season?
- Can you begin to put some of your grief into words and speak those words to your Heavenly Father?
2. Protest
Example from Psalm 13:1-2 (ESV):
“How long, O Lord? Will you forget me forever? How long will you hide your face from me? How long must I take counsel in my soul and have sorrow in my heart all the day?””
The second element of lament is protest. In this step of lament, use your knowledge of the character of God to specifically protest what He is allowing that goes against His character. Theology professor J. Todd Billings writes, “Writers of laments and complaints in the psalms often seek to make their ‘case’ against God, frequently citing God’s promises in order to complain that God seems to be forgetting his promises. They throw the promises of God back at him.”
As we wrestle with the promises of God, the truth about him has more of a presence in our thoughts and can lay a foundation of seeing him clearly in the fog of suffering. We don’t need to minimize our grieving or try to just “suck it up” because God invites our prayers of protest.
To help you pray in this way, consider these two questions:
- What parts of your story do not make sense in light of who God is?
- What attributes of God do you struggle to understand in this situation?
3. Make Bold Requests
Example from Psalm 44:23-24, 26 (ESV):
“Awake! Why are you sleeping, O Lord? Rouse yourself! Do not reject us forever! Why do you hide your face? Why do you forget our affliction and oppression? Rise up; come to our help! Redeem us for the sake of your steadfast love!”
This third element of lament calls upon God to act according to His character and past faithfulness. Here you can ask boldly and confidently for God to be who He has promised to be. As you make your requests based on who God is, your focus is encouraged to shift from “Why is this happening?” to “Who is God in the midst of this?”
To help you pray in this way, consider these two questions:
- What bold requests do you want to bring before your God?
- How do you long to see God act in the midst of your suffering?
4. Move Toward Trust and Praise
Example from Psalm 13:5-6 (ESV):
“But I have trusted in your steadfast love; my heart shall rejoice in your salvation. I will sing to the Lord, because he has dealt bountifully with me.”
By taking this step of trust and praise, you are re-centering your life on Christ. Vroegop writes, “While there may be painful circumstances beyond our control, our waiting can be spiritually productive as we intentionally follow the pathway to trust. That is why trust is active patience. We keep trusting by lamenting.”
The enemy wants to use all your suffering to move you away from Christ by making your past or present circumstances the center of your life. But as you exalt Christ, you will discover once again the hope and freedom that can only be found as you worship and adore your Savior. In the midst of grief, the deepest comfort comes when our hearts are able to move toward trusting God.
To help you pray in this way, consider these two questions:
- Can you say to God, “Lord, I believe you more than I believe anyone, including myself”?
- What promises do you already know in the gospel that speak directly to how you feel?
Whatever grief you’re feeling or suffering you’re facing, take time now to lament and bring the complexity of your pain to your Heavenly Father. He hears you.