Dear Oli,
How have you been, little one? Right now, you’re almost two years old! I don’t really believe it. Where has the time gone? You’ve grown so much since we first met. You talk more and more everyday. You run faster and faster every time we play together, and I get more and more out of breath each and every single time.
I actually don’t know if or when you will come to read this. There’s a part of me that’s a little nervous to write this to you, but there’s also a part of me that’s really excited. In the short time I’ve gotten to spend with you, you have taught me so many things, many of which I want to share with and affirm to you.
When your parents first told me about you, I was so excited. Two of the most treasured people in my life were growing their little family. How could I not be thrilled? But then, I was absolutely terrified. If this auntie is being completely honest, I will humbly admit that I’m quite bad with kids. The tiny ball of energy that you are, I feared I wouldn’t be able to keep up physically and emotionally. Seriously, I went through every possibility imaginable: What if I couldn’t catch up to you (literally)? What if I didn’t have enough patience? What if you didn’t think I was cool enough? What if I made you cry? You know, the first time your mother asked me if I wanted to hold you, I panicked. What if I dropped you? No, I still have not held you yet.
One of my earliest memories with you was at church. I walked into the sanctuary and saw your little head peek out of the baby carrier. I remember staring at your beady eyes and thinking, “Oh my gosh he’s real.” As weeks went on, I’d find you looking around the space I was all too familiar with with so much curiosity, finding another nook or cranny to explore, and, as you grew bigger, another pew to climb. You looked at everyone with your big beady eyes, wondering who they were, and greeted them with your big smile and hearty giggle. Did you know that when you smile, your eyes kind of disappear?
Each time I’m with you, I find myself cherishing your smile and giggle more and more. I love how you’re able to make others smile just by smiling. I love how your laughter fills the room. These are qualities of yours that I hope you never lose, and that I wish to protect.
But this auntie of yours is also a little scared. As I go through more and more of this life, I’m fearful of the day when you will begin experiencing the deeper pains of this world. When heartbreak is more than just watching your favorite toy fall out of your crib. When discomfort is more than your clothes not fitting quite right anymore. When disappointment is more than finding your bowl empty as your favorite snack suddenly runs out. When your smile is no longer as big, and your giggle no longer as hearty. I fear the day you ask me, “Why does this happen? Why does God allow this to happen?” How will I answer that? How do I affirm God’s goodness, graciousness and faithfulness to you in a world that’s so broken, in a way that’s easy to understand?
There’s a part of me that wants to protect you from all of that, and sometimes I even hope that you only experience the good things that this life brings. At the same time, this auntie knows that some of the best lessons and moments of growth come from these difficult times. They’re opportunities for us to not just grow, but to learn more about ourselves, those around us, and God. A cool pastor of ours likes to call these moments “growing pains”. Life is full of them. Just like how growing taller can be physically uncomfortable, sometimes growing ourselves on the inside can be painful. But that doesn’t necessarily mean that it’s bad. Sometimes a little bit of pain is good; it tells us that we’re changing. So, little one, don’t be afraid to ask the hard questions. Ask the “Whys?” and “How comes?” even if it’s uncomfortable and frustrating, because it’s in questions, not just answers, that we draw closer to God.
It’s not going to be easy. There will be days where he feels a little far from you, and you’ll question whether or not he’s there at all. There will be days where you don’t understand or agree with how things played out, and you’ll question whether he is fair and just. It’s in these moments where I will encourage you to bring these things up to him in prayer. Tell God you’re frustrated and that you don’t understand! Ask him the hard questions too! But don’t push him away either. Instead, invite him to pour into you and fill you up – to show you things you may not have seen, or consider things you may not have thought about – so that you can keep learning more about who God is, and experience his neverending goodness.
This probably sounds a little weird to understand right now, so don’t worry. When the time comes, I promise I will be here to sit with you and listen to it all.
When I first pitched the idea of this letter to your parents, your mother asked me why I wanted to write to you and what about. In a jumble of words, I tried to explain that you embody so many of life’s most precious lessons that I find myself forgetting time and time again: What it means to live not wracked by fears and anxieties (Matt. 6:34), what it means to love (John 13:34), and what it means to be humble (Matt. 18:3-4). To just live, excited about what each day brings and the new adventures that come with it.
As I kept tripping over my words, trying to consolidate my thoughts and feelings, your parents smiled at me. Looking back, I think what I was trying to articulate was both how much love I have for you, and how much of God’s love I have seen through you.
You know what my favorite thing to do with you is? Eat. Why? Because one of my fondest memories with you came from our first meal together. I watched as your parents held your little hands and prayed: “Dear God. Thank you for this food. Amen.” In that moment, I couldn’t help but smile. I remember telling God, “This kid is a blessing, and he is going to be so loved. Please don’t let him forget that. Please let him feel it all.” One thing I will always affirm time and time again is that you are loved, by your parents, by God, and by so many of us who feel so blessed to watch you grow up. And on days where you find yourself doubting that, I will sit with you, and share with you the moments where you’ve reminded me of what this love looks like.
Little one, there are so many stories I can’t wait to share with you, many of which are about how cool your parents are. I can’t wait to see you grow up, to watch you experience more of your firsts, and to laugh together until our stomachs hurt. Never stop growing, but don’t grow up too fast, ok?
With so much love,
Emily
Photo Credit: Tanaphong Toochinda