Episode 16: Generational Trauma and Its Impact on Asian American Parents and Their Families

Danny Kwon

Welcome to Asian American Parenting, a podcast from the Solar Network and Rooted Ministry. I’m one of your co-hosts, Danny Kwon and I’m with my other co-host, Monica Kim.

Monica Kim

It’s good to join you again today.

Danny Kwon

And Monica, as you guys know now, is a counselor and psychologist, biblical counselor. And I was a youth pastor for 29 years. And today we’re really getting into a heavy subject on generational trauma and its impact on Asian American parents. And just Monica, to introduce this subject thinking about one of our former youth group students who was an adult came to us for some counseling and marriage counseling and told the story of when he was in high school how his first-generation immigrant parents would go out to the store every day work 12 hours and the mother would come home, she would have a few drinks, and he would share about incidents where after she got a little tipsy and drunk, she would beat him with a lacrosse stick. And it was so shocking, but even kind of more scary and worse was how much it impacted him as a person, as a parent, some of the issues he had with parenting and anxiety, addiction. Even in my life, I had pretty decent parents, but sometimes watching them live the immigrant life, first-generation parents in America, and sometimes they fought and you know, some of those fights were very explosive. And, you know, in the brokenness of our world and ourselves, I didn’t realize, but seeing their arguments and sometimes explosive fighting, even though they were good parents, it really impacted me as a parent to my children and teenagers and, you know, you as a wife and really helped me see the impact that that generational trauma has been passed to me.

Monica Kim

Yeah, right, yeah. I think those are really important stories that you’re sharing about someone we know, but also yourself. I know I have my own generational trauma story too. And one of the things I’m reminded of is what, I suppose, just going back to the definition of it, I think the word in itself generational and it’s also sometimes known as intergenerational trauma. So it’s this understanding that trauma from one generation will impact the next generation and will have a lasting psychological and physiological effect from generation to generation. So it gets passed down. And that kind of pattern is, while there are many ways in which it can be passed down, for example, you mentioned from a trauma from one generation, it affects how the parent-parents. And then so how the parent-parents, because of the trauma, then passes down to the child and so on and so forth. Another way trauma, generational trauma can be passed down are from cultural narratives.

So it can be a part of a cultural story. Like for different kinds of cultures, there are narratives and stories that are passed down and understood and will continue down that, you know, to future generations. Another aspect of what in science has, you know, what has been found is that trauma affects folks biologically. So, you know, there are effects in terms of these various biological factors such as stress hormones that can be passed down from generation from, you know, parents to children increasing kind of their risk for more trauma. So again, there are these various ways in which trauma can be passed down from one generation to the next generation. Having said that, don’t want to minimize the importance of how trauma and its effects are passed down. But what we do also know is that scripture speaks about it too. We see in scripture stories that are passed down and how from one generation to the next generation, certain kinds of patterns continue on. And obviously, you know, what we are talking about is the effects of sin and brokenness after creation and how it impacts, all of us in various ways. And so we’re just talking a bit more specifically about intergenerational trauma and its impact on parenting.

Danny Kwon

And I guess, I don’t know if this is correct or not, but my focus in the two opening stories of our former student and myself was of my, of immigrant parents and some of their brokenness and sin and how that, seeing that being impacted by that being part of the bad consequences of their sin and their actions impacted our former student and impacted me and then seeing how that then negatively impacted me as a parent or this former student as a parent. Again, he was beaten by his mom, lacrosse stick, after she worked 12 hour days in her store and my parents, the stress of immigrant life. Again, I think they were good parents, but sometimes they had some explosive arguments and seeing that, you know, and then how that impacted me as a parent. And I had to realize that it really impacted my parenting. And again, maybe you can elaborate a little bit on other aspects of immigrant life and lifestyles of our parent that might have impacted our parenting now.

Monica Kim

Yeah, I’m just imagining the immigrant life itself is such a big transition. But as I think about a lot of folks who have immigrated from before our generation, right? I identify as a second generation Korean American. So folks who immigrated before I immigrated, my parents were running from war-torn societies where there’s just devastation. And so it’s a traumatized people group. There are so many traumatized people groups that have been fleeing from a lot of dangerous life circumstances. And so that’s traumatic in itself. In addition to now, you know, with the hopes of having a better lifestyle or more opportunities, while that is, you know, good hope on the, you know, one hand it is, but on the other hand, they’re also coming from a history of such trauma from their background and added then to how much transitioning they have to do with language, with understanding the culture, with trying to survive. And a lot of immigrants before us were living in poverty. There are so many, common stories about coming in with like not even a hundred dollars in the pocket. So you’re looking at poverty which is quite traumatic in itself and so if you layer all of those kind of pieces it just exacerbates the impact of all the trauma that they have already experienced from the countries that they have been fleeing from hoping for a better way of life.

And so I think that is important to identify or acknowledge as our parents may have adopted a kind of a style or an approach to life as they were immigrating and transitioning and trying to figure life out. And that kind of history has affected them in terms of what they how they might order the priorities of life and how then parenting sometimes really drops back from all of those things that they feel are more important to address in light of what has happened in their lives.

Danny Kwon 

Yeah, but they’re not necessarily saying our parents, our children are second, secondary, but it’s just a different way maybe to express their care even for us as children. Yeah.

Monica Kim

Yeah, right, right. Because they’re thinking of if I can provide for my children even if I can’t attend to them. I am loving them, which is not wrong in itself. At the same time, children left unattended or not provided good guidelines or an understanding of what’s expected of them as, but with great support though, with guidance, both have to be there, not just here’s what we expect, but not provide the support. That kind of parenting is so important, which they’re not able to provide because they’re doing what they feel like is important to do to survive.

Danny Kwon

And I know, yeah, go ahead, go ahead.

Monica Kim

I guess I’m also thinking about even in the Book of Ruth, the biblical kind of the story of Naomi and their family as there’s famine in the land and they’re sojourning away from Jerusalem in order to get food, right? Prioritizing that.

And it’s not so much then that because of that prioritizing then calamity falls them. It’s not as simple as that. And I think there is a greater understanding of who God is in the midst of such calamity. But certainly that was like a normal part of life too of trying to prioritize surviving and getting food and looking for it. Journeying to be able to get that. So that in itself is not saying it’s a bad thing, but it certainly impacts us and makes things a lot more stressful and complicated.

Danny Kwon

Yeah. And so as you were talking, you know, we didn’t really talk about this before the podcast, but I’m just wondering my generation looking at my Asian immigrant parents, like sometimes that can lead to a lot of bitterness or anger to them. And that can then translate into how I parent my own kids.

Monica Kim

Yeah, can you tell us a little bit about that? How did that become, how were you aware of that impact? And what was that impact like?

Danny Kwon

Yeah. Well, you know, I just, you know, sometimes, you know, just wanting more time with my parents, more interaction, you know, and, you know, being a little bit regretful or even bitter about that. It wasn’t as deep wounded as some of the students or former students that I’ve ministered to. Or peers that, you know, who are now second gen parents now, but I do hear that that kind of parenting that, or lack of parenting they might’ve received, affection, affirmation, things like that, really, you know, can cause bitterness and anger and even maybe the harshness of Asian American immigrant parents, the supposed harshness, you know, causes a lot of resentment and bitterness toward their parents. Yeah.

Monica Kim

Yeah. I know for myself, while growing up, I think a little bit about my parents and the kinds of styles they parented us with. It was not all that bad. In my experience growing up, but what really affected my mother’s particular parenting was the trauma that we had as a family. There was a lot of, well, when we were really young, younger brother, at the time I was six years old and he was five years old, or we were turning those ages. And he had died in an accident, a drowning accident. And my mom from that time became very, very obviously, she was severely in pain, distressed, and was quite traumatized. But just focusing in on how then she parented afterwards from the effect of that was from out of high anxiety. She was a very warm mom, provided a lot of things. She, you know, helped us with a lot of things or was thoughtful about that, us at the same time, she was really, really fearful and anxious. And so there was high also overprotection. We weren’t allowed to go out as much. We weren’t allowed to experience, let’s say, going out to learn how to use the bus system, which was very common at the time that I was growing up. So I didn’t know how to use the bus system and had to really learn about it later on. One story I do remember also is that every time we went out, whenever there was something that reminded my mom of the tragedy or the accident, she would warn us, hey, for example, today I saw a black bird crowing. And on the day of your brother’s death, a black bird crowed and I want you to be careful.” And so she would continue to pass down that kind of anxiety as we went out and tried to kind of live our lives. I don’t feel resentful to her about that kind of fear that she passed down to us, but I think it became more of a context to reflect on the way that her anxious parenting and fear it was very there was a lot of fear in her that was passed down and how that impacted my parenting. had been trying to be very thoughtful about that but because our hearts are deceitful and oftentimes who can know it, I know that there were many moments when I was fearful as I was parenting my children, our children growing up. Yet at the same time, you know, I really tried to trust in the Lord and be thoughtful about how to encourage them in the comfort of the Lord too. So yeah, there are, I mean, we could go on and on about various stories and how we were affected in our parenting, but yeah, I’m reminded of that too.

Danny Kwon

Yeah. You know, I think you’re thinking it’s very important that I think what you’re getting at and I’m trying to get at is we’re not trying to blame our parents, but we’re trying to point our listeners to recognize things that might have impacted us from our parents and in this intergenerational relationship and how it might have been passed down to impact now us as parents. So not necessarily blaming our parents. You know, they were too anxious or they had explosive fights. I mean, in the case of the former student, of course, getting beaten by a lacrosse stick is horrible. And that was wrong. And it caused a lot of symptoms of anxiety, depression, substance abuse in him. But how can we now as parents, you know, to our own kids recognize how generational or intergenerational trauma has affected or is affecting our parenting of our teenagers and our children?

I think is really, really important to recognize that. Be aware and think about it so we can be better gospel-centered parents.

Monica Kim

Mm-hmm. Yeah, I think that’s so important to emphasize that we’re not here about blaming the plant parents. At the same time, we do want to acknowledge for those who struggle with hurt from their parents that we’re not here saying you shouldn’t be heard either. So that’s really important. And that’s the effects of that kind of generational trauma is that it hurts and it can damage and we want to be aware so that as we as parents currently it’s important as you’re continuously working towards that healing from your parents or work towards what that might mean for you, still being thoughtful about your own parenting. That’s what we’re here to encourage that would you be thoughtful about your parenting as you consider how your children might be impacted if you do not consider how your parents’ trauma has affected you and how that might affect your parenting and how we might continue to pass that down from one generation to the next.

Danny Kwon

Yep. And I will reemphasize that again. We’re not absolving our parents of their wrongdoing. We’re not minimizing the hurt that we as parents might have received ourselves. You know, at least I’m trying to focus on, hey, let’s think about what has impacted us from our parents and how that’s impacted our parenting now and maybe the bad fruit of that has been passed on.

Monica Kim 

And I think that leads us to an important, important point, which we can talk a little bit more about, is that for us to be, it’s not to reverse that effect of trauma is not simply about us being simply aware and then making necessary changes to how we can parent better. But what I think is the most important aspect of reversal is knowing how gospel and the love of God in the story of all this intergenerational trauma has reversed the effects of sin, which is that we have now been made clean and made whole even as we are hurting and suffering and still weak and sinful. The Bible talks about even when we were weak when all have sinned, even though all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God, that it is Christ who has redeemed us in the midst of that. And that gospel hope is something that we really have to personally dig into in order to find that present, powerful comfort in order to reorient how we can parent our children in the midst of that foundation of gospel hope. And that gives us the heart and the ability to take one step at a time towards making those changes and being able to help our children to know the Lord and to be able to understand what growing up in the Lord would look like for them.

Danny Kwon

Yeah. And so for me, using what you said as a paradigm, know, seeing my parents explosive fighting, even though they were good parents, you know, I had to realize over time and with your help that I have an explosive temper too. And that was kind of generationally impacting, normalized to me. But in the gospel, there is a better way. There is the fruits of the Spirit. There is reconciliation in Christ. There is a call to gentleness and love and that I have to normalized you know, parent in a gospel way versus in my way that I thought was passed down to me. Yeah, yeah. And you know, sometimes as parents and adults, it’s hard to recognize, but there is a better, hopeful way in the gospel. And I guess my challenge to our listeners is to really begin to think about ways that maybe things have been impacted us from our parents and how that might be impacting our children, but how the gospel can speak into a better way. Yeah, yeah.

Monica Kim

On that note, just one more story I just want to share is even as we, while our children were growing up, we wanted to be thoughtful about the gospel hope in the midst of parenting and how that then informs what we will address with our children, what are some important expectations that we had for them and how to engage them and support them such that we could use those contexts to continue to instruct them in the knowledge of the Lord.

Having said that though, it really didn’t mean perfect parenting at all. I remember thinking that I am trying to parent from out of that gospel hope and knowing my anxiety or fears that were passed down or that I became impacted by. I did have a lot of fears when my children were growing up. And those were times where I occasioned, those were times where I saw them as also opportunities to run to the Lord in the midst of it. Let’s say for example, when my children would go swimming or would have to go to a camp that had swimming opportunities going on, that was a time that I would get very anxious about them going. I remember thinking, hey, I don’t want to give them warnings and say, be very careful because you might something bad might happen. But I remember those times when I sat with the Lord and prayed more deeply for his comfort in the midst of them going out swimming at a camp that I was not going to be there. Having said that, though, that didn’t mean that I was not going to be able to, that I was going to catch every place that I felt anxious or fearful. Fast forward to my teenage boys now being adult young men. One of my sons had shared with me about some of the hurts that he felt in the midst of my interactions with him, that while he was growing up, I would often instruct him to be careful or thoughtful about not hurting his younger brother because he was a lot bigger. And while that was really important in terms of raising him up in the Lord to be thoughtful or gentle or kind, he did the number of times I had said that to him over the long haul, he said that he internalized this belief that he was like a really bad boy or he used even this phrase, he felt like a monster. I felt so, so saddened by that impact. We sat down and talked about it. I repented and I apologized to him about that hurt. And we talked about it in the light of the Lord and how Jesus says He is because of who He is in Christ. He is not a monster as mom and in her actions seem to indicate. And we continue to reconcile that hurt together.

Danny Kwon

Yeah. What a beautiful but you know hard story to hear but a beautiful story and you know this is a really hard topic and a tough topic. I think we’re going to have to revisit it again in a part two episode of generational trauma. I know our next episode we have another interesting and tough topic called the Sandwich Generation.

So we’re looking forward to that. But thank you for sharing. I really appreciate our listeners listening to such a heavy topic. And until next time, when we get into the sandwich generation, may we embrace the hope and joy of the gospel and believe that it’s true, powerful, and transformative. Thanks for listening to Asian American Parenting.