Episode 17: The Sandwich Generation and How it Affects Parenting our Teenagers

Danny Kwon

Welcome to Asian American parenting, a podcast from the SOLA Network and ROOTED ministry. I’m one of your hosts. Danny Kwan from Rooted ministry. And this is my co host, Monica Kim from the SOLA Network. Good to be here. Good to be here, Monica. And Monica is a biblical counselor and psychologist, and I was a youth pastor for 29 years before joining Rooted as a senior director of content and cross cultural ministry. So today, last time we talked about generational trauma, and today we’re talking about another real heavy subject called the sandwich generation. And some of you might have heard this sociological term coined by Dorothy Miller, and I just want to illustrate what this term means to me.

My dad, 2009 was suffering from colon cancer, and I’m sorry, pancreatic cancer. And my wife had colon cancer, but it was really, really tough for him, and he had to go to the hospital almost every day. You know, pancreatic cancer is very aggressive. My mom was holding down our dry cleaning business, and so it became all up to me to take him to the hospital for radiation, chemotherapy, doctors, visits, visits to specialists, and I was in ministry at the time at a Church full time. I was doing PhD studies, I had three young children, and it was really, really hard for me, but I felt this urge and obligation as the son in my Asian family, to take care of my father, take care of my mom by taking him to the hospital every day. But then I still had my wife and kids. I still had my church, still had my PhD program, and in between this I was sandwiched between obligations to my parents and to my own family, and especially my children, and as Asian American parents, you know, we have these caregiver responsibilities to our own children and also, oftentimes, a lot of us have responsibility to supporting our parents, who are slowly turning into senior citizens over 65 and so Monica, how would you talk about and define maybe the sandwich generation?

Monica Kim

I think you gave a very good example of that and defined it well. And I think I would, yeah, add on. Not only are you feeling that pressure and the obligation and the desire, there could also be a lot of experiences of shame or guilt or even anger or frustrations, and that’s not, you know, uncommon to every culture in the midst of this experience of being the sandwich generation, both taking care of your parents and also obligated to really be there for your own family and your children. I think I would also add that while that experience is very common for all cultures, there could be an added experience, like you said of the filial kind of obligations that may be more expected from the parents, let’s say, from an Asian, American kind of a context some parents might not expect it. But you know, there might be a. The UN said expectation or hope from parents, and that being because of the kind of culture that we all come from. So I would say that that would have another added layer to it, is that there’s an expectation from the parents in a particular kind of way of, you know, honoring without it being talked about or being said with specific in specific ways. And I think about that when I think about you, I remember that time when you were in in the midst of caring for your dad, specifically, you didn’t even have a conversation with your mom, right? You know, your mom didn’t even ask for help. She just expected that you would be doing it. That there was a natural expectation that not not to kind of think about, not that she wasn’t thinking about your situation, but she simply thought how important it was for her to take care of the business on behalf of your dad. But then there was again, no kind of description or or or discussion about, then what happens? Everything else you just kind of naturally fell on you. And so there’s this almost natural way in which it falls on you to take care of things, and that’s really hard that happens. I would say that that is a little bit of a cultural aspect. There’s a bit of a cultural aspect to that.

Danny Kwon

Yeah, and for Asian Americans like us, who are parents now, who are sandwiched in between our older parents and raising our own children, you know, there’s not only like sickness, but like financial burdens of taking care of our parents, but also our own children. Time strains, and you know where our time and you know efforts and allegiance lies emotional support for our parents versus our own children, and just feeling the lack of support in general when you’re stuck in between these situations, And how do you deal with them. And you know, how do you prioritize self care and spiritual self care and mental care versus trying to care for your parents but trying to care for your own children? There’s all these dilemmas that are going on, and again, I think you put it well the aspect of shame, of honoring your parents, but also wanting to take care of our kids. And where does that all fit in? So I’m just trying to paint a picture for our listeners of where this all falls into.

Monica Kim

I appreciate, yeah, you continuing to build that kind of picture or understanding of the experiences. One of the priorities or hope. One hope for us in the midst of talking about this is just to be able to learn how to talk about it, to be able to acknowledge that there is this real pressure that’s going on in the midst of being a sandwich generation, and we just want to share stories of how we can also identify with that too. I do think that there isn’t an easy answer in the midst of it. It is so complex in terms of how you navigate through those kinds of pressures, and it gets so messy also. So again, our hope is that we could be able to talk about it and make something that feels invisible more visible, so we can talk about the kinds of experiences that we have as we look for greater community support and ways to pray for one another in the midst of it.

Danny Kwon

Because in my case, the solution wasn’t like. Okay, Dad, just go ahead and die. I have to take care of my kids. But sometimes, although my dad was a great father, it can get so frustrating and like I’m neglecting my own children that you kind of feel like that’s the reactionary response that I want to do. And you know, or sometimes you know, because you and I are married, I’ll put all the children responsibilities on you, and everything at home on you, and I’ll go do everything for my dad, and that’s not fair to you, either you know, or examples of couples where you know the parents are need financial support, but You have a mortgage, car payment, you know, other things to take care of for your own family. And what do you do about that?

Monica Kim

Yeah, those are really, really hard questions. One thing that comes to mind is, as I remember us going through all of that, rather than I think it’s important to identify who can you seek help in light of being able to work through all of that, we certainly talked about it in different ways, to be able to, let’s say with the children when they were very young, and you’ve had to spend days not only at work, in addition, not only did you have taking care of your, you know, caring for your dad, going to, you know, do ministry work, in addition To that, there were there were your studies that you had to tend to too while that then did bring a lot of pressure on me to kind of hold down the fort. I think what was helpful was when we were able to talk about how we care for each other in the midst of it, and how we can understand the different kind of pressures that we feel and the impact of those obligation as a sandwich generation person, and so I think that’s really important to know how to talk to one another, whether it is how to talk to your siblings who are helping you with your parents, along with having to take care of your child, right? How to Talk to your spouse, if you know, or a partner, or somebody who is in in that situation with you to some extent, and how do you come together? And what would being non judgmental and warm and supportive to one another look like? So that’s really important. I know that when my siblings we were trying to think about how to help my mom, who is taking care of my dad, who had Alzheimer’s, while we were also all having to take care of our own families, it was so important that we all as siblings, learned how to talk about it and start the conversation, not in a demanding way, but in a humble and honest way, exploring all the Different ways in which we could possibly think about support and resources.

Danny Kwon

Yeah, and you kind of touched on this earlier, about community support and again, maybe because I am so Asian, American, older, kind of, you know, thinking, you know, although we’re collective people, you know, at least in my Korean culture, we don’t want to burden other people. It’s called and yeah, in the Korean word, but I found that your support, support from my siblings and support from the community, like people at church, people willing to do meal chains. Again, I never knew what a meal chain was, but you know, once I. People started doing it for me. I was like, oh, I want to do that for others. Is there ways that you’re thinking about this idea of seeking community support and, you know, help?

Monica Kim

Yeah, I think you said it really well that oftentimes, as Asian Americans, we may have been taught not to burden others or not to ask others, but the way then it comes out, you know, is that we are so stressed that we might start to get more frustrated or angry or there are. There’s a lot more pressure, and you feel actually much more alone, and being able to push through that because of who God is to us, that He bears our shame and our burdens with us, and then being able to ask, or again, pushing through the shame to say, here’s where I need help from, whether it’s to the church or to the family or To, you know, community resources, looking for different ways for help. I think that is something that we can continue to be encouraged, encouraged to do as Asian Americans. That is something that oftentimes hard for us to do,

Danny Kwon

And then when it comes to us as parents in this sandwich generation, and dealing with the burdens of trying to take care of our parents, but also our own kids. I remember I was very encouraged to see this as a former youth pastor, but even in the Asian American church, like other parents, helping parents who are busy taking care of their own. You know, adult parents like driving the other you know, friends, kids, taking them to retreats. Even you know, you know, like one time the parents were so busy taking care of their own parents that the kid couldn’t pay for their retreat because the parents were so busy, so, so the one parent paid, you know, for the kid until the parents could, you know, not be as busy and things like that. And, you know, I’m thinking about ways that we can deal with the burdens of being a Sam Smith generation, as Asian American parents to our own teenagers and children, despite having the burdens of taking care of our own parents.

Monica Kim

Yeah, I think that’s a really good point. And I think the examples you gave are important examples. How do we be unabashed and creative in the midst of such a need and a complex need where a lot of you know, our Asian American communities have not been able to identify the more readily available resources for our parents to Feel comfortable grasping onto also so then being able to help one another in the midst of it is so important.

Danny Kwon 

We’re also thinking about, you know, again, when we’re taking care of our parents and it becomes burdensome and time consuming, the emotional stress that that causes us in taking care of our parents. And you know, what are some ways we might think about or recognize how then that’s impacting our own children, our own parenting. And you know, this is a parenting podcast, but even our marriages, you know, how do we begin to be aware and think about it? You know? 

Monica Kim.

I think we are both recognizing there really is no easy answer at the same time, what we have often come back to over and over again is while we’re raising more awareness of the impact the, you know, the emotional, mental, physical toll of being a sandwich generation, that if, If we can raise more of an awareness of how that’s impacting us, and how in the midst of that impact, let’s say the way that we might be physically, emotionally, spiritually or psychologically impacted, to be able to then thoughtfully, slow that down and be reflective of how we can find, first of all, rest for our souls through our relationship with Jesus. That is not the not, and I’m not. We’re not saying that that’s the easiest answer for every problem. We’re saying that’s an important part of what what we can do in the midst of such hard and complex and messy kind of issues. And in the midst of that, when, let’s say, for example, when one is able to recognize, I feel a lot of guilt from not doing more for my parents. And because of that, you recognize, then you get more frustrated with your children as you tend to them. I’m being pulled on every which in every which way. Why can’t my children just be a little bit easier for me to handle? Let’s say, for example, that might start to make its way through when you’re aware of that connection, and you’re aware of that through the work of the Spirit giving you more insight into it, it really enables you to then find comfort in the Lord Who says to you how he knows how hard it is to take care of your parents and to take care of your children, how he says that we are not alone, because now we have been united to Christ. How can we sit with that deep comfort in the present time, in order to feel the lifting of the guilt for a moment and then be able to find hope as you step into parenting, and then be a bit more patient with your kids, and then to step hope into recognizing you can’t fix it all for your parents, and to be able to pray for specific things. So it gives you ways to step into one thing at a time, when you sit with an awareness of how to run to Jesus over and over again.

Danny Kwon

And I guess that’s the most practical, pragmatic answer and gospel hope answer, because I’m going to bring up one last subject is this financial burden and stress. And I think the gospel hope that you have just offered to us is the hope that we have. And listeners, there’s no one solution or answer to this, but I’m just thinking about sometimes our parents needing some financial help. And you know, we have to support our own children. And you know, how do we reconcile parenting our kids responsibly, being good financial stewards for them and taking care of them. And then our parents asked for some financial help or money, and you know, like. Then I don’t think in one minute you can give the perfect answer, but you know, there is a way to at least communicate with your spouse and your siblings about the financial burden that you know you’re all facing as children of your parents, but also that we all face the need to take care of our children, to not let it overwhelm you, but find hope in the Gospel, and to really again, be able to talk about sensible options with your partners, like family and community and especially your spouse, yeah, anything you would add to that?

Monica Kim

Monica, yeah, I think you said you you covered it really well. That there is really no simple answer, yeah, one right answer. And I think what’s important is how people engage one another in the midst of it, yeah? Because oftentimes, when you know, people will come in with a what one thinks is right, wrong, right, there might be this idea that this is a right and this is a wrong way to approach it. I think it’s important to recognize there isn’t a right and a wrong necessarily, but it can actually be important to know how to come together, to understand each other’s hearts and burdens, and how to then come up together on the very important and creative, diverse ways they can address this issue of finances for The sandwich generation, the burden of the sandwich generation, yeah, yeah, in a godly and wise way,

Danny Kwon 

Well, you know, the last two episodes, Two episodes ago, two episodes ago, talking about generational trauma, and today, talking about the sandwich generation and how it affects our family and parenting. Can we smile and just because I know I’ve been really serious and maybe look tense on these episodes, but there is truly hope in the Gospel of Jesus and that we, you know, we encourage our listeners to embrace the whole hope and joy of the Gospel and believe that it’s true, powerful and transformative. Continue listening to Asian American parenting and thanks for listening to today’s episode.

Monica Kim

Thank you.