In this episode of Asian American Parenting, Monica and Danny discuss the realities of drama and friendships in the lives of teenagers, and for parents to not minimize it, because it is so important to teenagers, yet they are not fully mature enough to deal with it. They continue to talk about how parents can guide their teenagers through drama with their peers and how to guide their teenagers into godly gospel-centered relationships with their peers.
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Transcript
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Danny Kwon
Welcome to Asian American parenting, a podcast from Rooted Ministry and the SOLA Network, where the gospel meets Asian American faith culture and parenting. Each episode, we explore how to raise the next generation with a strong gospel foundation in Christ while navigating the unique challenges of our cultural identity. Thanks for joining us. Let’s dive in.
Danny Kwon
Welcome to Asian American parenting, a podcast of the SOLA Network and Rooted ministry. I’m one of your co hosts. Danny Kwan, and this is my other co host, Monica Kim.
Monica Kim
Hi, everyone. Good to be here.
Danny Kwon
Monica is a psychologist and biblical counselor, and I’m Rooted’s Senior Director of Youth Ministry content as well as I was a youth pastor for 29 years, and today we’re going to be talking about this very interesting topic of teenage friendships, drama, and how, as Asian American parents, we parent through this aspect of parenting.
And we’re considering this question today because probably for our parents, they really minimized this idea of friendships and drama. Maybe it wasn’t a cultural part of our cultural heritage, and our parents didn’t really think about our friendships and what it meant to us. But these days, God has blessed us with relationships. He’s called us to communities and teenagers are in development and in a season of identity formation, and that Jesus even modeled deep friendship. And so teenagers really crave deep friendship. And in my remembrance of youth ministry at a church for 29 years, I remember these stories of like girls posting up,
Monica Kim
Sorry, and and boys too.
Danny Kwon
I was gonna talk about, yeah, like, like, girls posting a picture on Instagram of four of them in a picture, and two of them missing in that picture, and it would cause a lot of drama between them, or some boys talking about, you know, they were once friends, but they they were bullying each other, and it caused a negative relationship in that and they wanted to really express it, because you and I know Monica that you know now teens, they value justice and authentic, authenticity and empathy and compassion for others, and they want to be included, and they want to be loved and have special relationship. So again, different from our own parents, Asian parents. It is important to recognize teenage drama and friendships and parenting. You know, any thoughts from your end Monica?
Monica Kim
I was thinking back to some of those teenage dramas and in the youth group that had happened, one that actually involved our son in it. Do you remember that? And we really, really had to guide him through it in the midst of this dynamic that felt really difficult for him, and how to really stay with him in the midst of that continued work with his friends, all the things that were going on with his friends.
That definitely when you were talking about what happened in youth group, that certainly brought to mind those incidents, not just for myself as a, you know, working walking alongside you in youth ministry, but also as a mom, tending to my son in the midst of some drama.
I also liked that while we’re talking about this real difficult topic about teenagers and friendship and some of the dramas that may happen and how we ought to parent them, in the midst of it, I think our parents, while they may not have disagreed with the idea of friendships being important, they really prioritized getting our work done more than talking about relationships and how to navigate through them. Even though I imagine they knew it was an important part of life for teenagers.
A third thought that came up I really appreciate is that while we’re talking about this topic of friendship and dramas within friendships among teenagers. How you did highlight that teenagers today, while there are quite intense reactions to friendship issues and circumstances and things that go on, I really did appreciate you recognizing that teenagers are actually the way God created them in this stage of life, there’s actually a lot of good things. They really do value authenticity and doing, you know, and justice. They’re also quite empathic and compassionate for others as much as they want to, they may behave in such a way that excludes others, they’re also quite quick to want to include others and do what is helpful, even in the midst of friendship drama. So yeah, those thoughts came to mind.
Danny Kwon
And so I think, like culturally, you and I as second gen parents who have partially or a lot of our life grown up here, we can be more sensitive and empathetic and understanding to our teenagers and some of their friendships and drama, and even sensitive to the pain and hurt it may cause and some of the negative consequences that might produce in our own teens as parents and being caring parents for them. That doesn’t mean that our first gen parents, our immigrant parents, were not caring. It’s just that it might not have been on their radar, but it is definitely an issue for teenagers today, and it does impact them and affect them in deep, personal ways.
Monica Kim
And on that note, I just want to emphasize how, how, why it might impact them. There might be a variety of reasons, one definitely being that God did make us for relationships. In Genesis 2:18, it says it is not good for man to be alone. So there is an understanding that we were made to be in relationship and have a sense of connection and a sense of belongingness in the midst of relationships and our friendships.
Danny Kwon
So one thing I think that, like, you can’t just go up to your teenager and be like, how’s your friendships? You know, what’s your drama going on with your friends? But there are times when we might notice some changes in friendships. They’re not calling certain people, certain friends aren’t coming over anymore. You might notice them not hanging out with certain people at church or at school anymore, and maybe that can be an opportunity to bring up this kind of issue with your teenager and say, Hey, have you grown apart? Is something affecting your friendship? Is there some something that’s going on, some something you know, you know, is there any other ways you might think of that? As parents, we might be able to just gently bring this up?
Monica Kim
Yeah, I appreciate how you’re recognizing it’s not something that you just want to jump into and feel like you have to rescue them from something difficult, but be able to really enter in and think about, what does it mean to walk alongside them, rather than, you know, micromanaging or trying to rescue them again. How do you guide them? And how can this become an opportunity to help our teenagers grow in wisdom in such a way that doesn’t avoid the hard feelings and reactions and all the discomfort, but be able to engage it with them in such a way that will help them to work through their emotional reactions, because that’s a really important part of the teenage stage. And you know, you and I can talk a little bit about what’s going on in terms of that teenage developmental stage that makes friendship circumstances become, feel more intense, and where we might think, oh, that doesn’t seem such a big issue, but to them, it feels like the world just crashed upon, you know, their lives.
Danny Kwon
Like it causes a lot of hurt and pain, because, like, for example, a lot of teenagers don’t know how to do conflict resolution. They lack the maturity. They struggle to regulate even their emotions during miscommunications and fights and texting wars. We’ve seen that in youth group where, like, three girls or three guys text one guy evil messages, and we’ve had parents, you know, complain when their child, their teenager is a recipient of those texts. And you know, they’re in the process of learning how to do conflict resolution.
Also, teens idealize friendships, and so when something goes wrong, it’s hard for them to deal with it. They think we’re going to be best friends, Best Buddies. We’re dudes, we’re gal pals. I’m sorry. I’m just making it up. But, but we are friends forever, and we love each other. And then an Instagram post, picture, a Tiktok video comes, and one person’s not included, and then they’re all of a sudden, not best friends, and it’s the end of the world. And so, you know, and as we can see, social media amplifies a lot of these conflicts.
Monica Kim
You were talking about those, you know, with social media, that kind of comparisons you might make, especially if you don’t see, if you see friends having gone to some kind of an event without you, even though there may have been a very good reason why that had happened, or you might see other friends that you’re not a part a group that you’re not a part of, and it really exacerbates this feeling of loneliness or not feeling a part of something while you’re while a teenager is sitting at home. And so I think you’re bringing up a really important point, how social media plays such a can play such a big part in the already, you know, challenging stage of life that they’re in, where they are trying to understand or make sense of this desire to belong and be in friendships and then lack some skills to manage conflict or manage some of the emotional reactions that are so intense that normally, that can normally come up during this stage of life.
On that note, just, just one more part to it. We know that a lot of folks and a lot of parents understand that during this adolescent developmental stage, there are lots of kind of growth that is happening, a lot of changes in the bodies and and their minds, and so much is starting to develop pretty quickly at this time. And so that does have some impact in terms of how they will experience the relationship hardship for themselves, like, let’s say, for example, as they are growing, there are so many different parts of their body and minds that are growing really quickly. But they’re also growing at different speeds, for example, sensory and motor tasks, along with the experience of emotions and trying to process them, along with the kind of the sense of a reward and feeling good about a reward. That part of the mind and the brain is developing sooner than the parts of the minds that try to process the emotionally leading situations, and have much more of the ability to control for it. So the cognitive control part of the mind is growing a little slower than the emotional part of the mind. And so if you imagine, then if that different kind of the differential growth that is going on when they’re encountering a situation that you know is pretty important to them as such as friendship, then the circumstances that they face can bring up much more intense, emotionally laden kind of reactions and responses and the difficulty then to control for or make sense of and think about conflict resolution is a bit more difficult at that.
Danny Kwon
So something as simple as your child says, I don’t want to go to church today, I don’t like the people. Or, you know, I don’t want to go to the football game on Friday because I’m not feeling it with my friends. You know, something like that can just be an indicator, could be an indicator of some kind of drama or conflict with their friends.
Let’s talk about like then, how do we guide our children through this drama as parents, what should we say and what shouldn’t we say? And I know I failed a lot of what I shouldn’t say, but I’ve said it often, like I’ve said to my you know, children, that’s not a big deal. You’re being sensitive, you’re being dumb. You should just avoid them. Just cut them off. I never liked them being your friend anyway. You know, just be the bigger person. You know, those are things that probably not a sensitive adult parent should say. It’s not what we should say. What are your thoughts on some ways that parents can guide teenagers through the drama?
Monica Kim
I liked what you said before in terms of, again, not just jumping in and saying just what happened. But being able to say, oh, I noticed that you didn’t feel good about going to church because of the friends that you don’t want to associate with. Can you tell me more about that? What happened? Were there things that happened and not so much about and you don’t want to force them to answering it, but you want to invite them to answering it.
So recognizing your attendant, maybe your own heart as a parent, where you may feel really worried and you want to rescue them, so you may want to really press in more and be more intrusive about the questions. So you want to guard against being intrusive with the questions, because our goal is to invite, walk alongside and guide them, rather than fix it or make it go away or rescue them from a situation.
I do remember again, our one of our older son, one the older son, our older son, who had gone through that at church with some of his friends, and in no way I’m saying he’s an innocent party, because I think he was part and parcel of some of the drama that took place among his friends. And his friends, I think some of them had posted really unthoughtful perspectives or had made fun of him on social media. And we happened to see it too, on social media. And so it was an occasion where we asked him, How are you doing with that? How is that feeling for you? And acknowledging if he’s having a hard time and he said, Yeah, you know, he felt really angry and hurt by it, being able to acknowledge how hurtful and angering that could feel for him.
So I think the first step is to, number one, recognize your own heart as a parent, and the desire to want to fix or rescue, rather than to walk alongside and guide as Christ, who is the shepherd, and point our children, our teenagers, to Jesus, who is the Good Shepherd indeed.
And so we had validated his feelings and reactions and were able to acknowledge that sounds really, really hard. Oh, I’m sorry they said that to you. That’s uncalled for. Sure, that kind of ridicule is hard for anybody. And then maybe even when you have the opportunity to even say, I understand your pain, and also Jesus, who guides you, understands your pain too.
Danny Kwon
These are things that a parent can say, versus the ones things that I mentioned not to say, things like, hey, let’s bring this to the Lord together. What’s one step of wisdom we can take?
Monica Kim
And you and you want to do that part a little bit later, in terms of guiding in such a way that helps them to solve a problem with it. Because one of the things that you are hoping to help them develop is an understanding of, if God is for you, then who can be against you, and then what that application would mean is that he would be able to also move towards his friends, if, if you know, if it is something that is doable, to be able to talk about it with his friends, and we want to encourage them to be able to move towards reconciling in some form too and and we understand it that not all situations reconciliation is possible, but in terms of some many situations, there could be ways towards it that can help our teenagers learn more about what does it mean to reconcile, to forgive, but also to confront in a way that could help and work through it.
Danny Kwon
So one last thing that we can talk about is this idea that you hinted at as parents, being guides versus micromanaging the situation, or being shepherds and not saviors of the situation. How can we? Let’s think about this question together. Monica about how can we, how can parents help their teenagers build healthy and godly friendships? How can the gospel shape how we guide our teens that our role is to walk with them, to teach them, to help them to become the kind of friend that God calls them to because of Christ and this drama, they have to learn To forgive and be compassionate and maybe even reconcile, right?
Monica Kim
Yeah, yeah. I think it’s one thing important in terms of how to help a teenager build that healthy and godly friendship, is, it does involve parents recognizing the importance of this goal. Because I think as parents, sometimes we want to protect our teenagers, and that’s a good thing, and what we may want to do is help them feel better and make sure the situation goes away, rather than help guide them, in order to help them to build a way through difficult kinds of situations that feel really dramatic to them.
And I keep thinking about my son, our son, when he was going through that real kind of drama with his friends, we certainly, I certainly felt upset about what they were doing and saying, it almost felt like they were ganging up on him. But when we started to walk with our son in the midst of it and to guide him through and to learn about how to build godly and healthy friendships, he in in knowing that he had support, he was able to talk about his part in that drama too, like what might have, how may, he may have participated in it, rather than he’s just a victim of it.
Mind you, I’m not saying that there aren’t situations where one a teenager is simply the victim of really, mean, other, you know, teens gang up on them, but this was not that type of situation. And so we were able to talk about what were some of his parts in it, and why did they do that? What was their purpose, and how can he then, because of his faith, and they, they share faith together. They, this was a group that loved Jesus at that time and and how can then he engaged them and talk about what was hurtful, how he hurt them and what was hurtful to him, considering what they did. And so that was an important part of helping our son build that godly friendship and reconciling and how the gospel, because of Jesus, would guide their hearts towards doing a better job with one another.
Danny Kwon
I mean, definitely, friendship is messy and drama is part of our normal living in this fractured world. But your teens are not alone. They have us as their parents, and we’re not alone as parents. We have the Lord and the gospel to guide us, and we have a role to walk alongside our teenagers, pray for them, and point them to the Gospel. And so, you know, in our journey as Asian American parents, let’s continue to do that and help our teenagers and love them.
So we appreciate you all listening to this episode, and we look forward to our next episode. May we embrace the hope and joy of the Gospel and believe that it’s true, powerful and transformative. Thanks for listening to Asian American parenting.
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