Episode 21: Building Bridges with Our Teenagers

Danny Kwon

Welcome to Asian American parenting, a podcast of the solar network and rooted ministry. I’m one of your co hosts, Danny Kwon, and this is my other co host, Monica Kim.

Monica Kim 

It’s good to be here. 

Danny Kwon

Monica is a psychologist and counselor, and we’ve been married for 29 years now, doing ministry together. I was a former youth pastor for 29 years at one church, and we’re also parents to three young adults who were once teenagers. Today, we’re going to talk about this topic of building bridges with our teenagers, and for a lot of us who grew up with first gen Asian American parents, our parents connected with us by saying things like, have you eaten? That was the way for them to connect with us, asking us if we’ve eaten. But the way that lot of us might connect with our teenagers is by saying, How is school today? And on its surface, there’s nothing harm, harmful about that. Asking your kid, how was school? But a lot of research on teens and adolescents saying are saying that they really are experiencing a lot of anxiety, a lot from school pressures, from social pressures. And again, academic pressures is one of the biggest pressures that they have. And so sometimes a question like how a school today might be something that tears down bridges with them, or causes them more stress and anxiety, versus helping with anxiety or even building a bridge with them. So this topic of, how do we build bridges and build relationships with our teen and one of the things I’m proposing is, one of the things I did was by showing interest in some of the things that they have interest in. You know, I know when our kids were teenagers, they were really interested in computer games like League of Legends. And instead of just saying it’s stupid or stop playing, I started reading about it, reading about the good teams in the world, reading about some of the great players. And it was a great point of building bridges with our teenagers and talking with them versus just killing bridges with them.

Monica Kim

Yeah, I think it’s a really important topic or point we often we we as parents, really love our teenagers and would like to be able to connect with them, but also be able to have conversations with them. Oftentimes, those conversations are quite stilted, or we don’t hear much from them and we feel uncomfortable in the midst of the kind of the disconnect or the silences at the same time, I think as parents, we don’t recognize we may actually be taking part in the stilted conversation we Like you said, come with that question, How was school? I just wanted to pause a little bit more on that in the sense that when we are asking them about school, it’s already emphasizing and adding to the amount of stress that they already feel about school. So we might think it’s like an open question to invite them into talking about school and what’s going on, but like you were mentioning in the research, teenagers are actually really stressed out about their grades, about their school. It’s, you know, the research is highlighting how grades are one of the biggest sources of pressure for teens today, and it’s always on their minds. And in addition to grades, how they think about the future and the kind of direction they want to go with their future career, or different kinds of areas that they’re trying to you know, whether it’s college or navigating through it. So we might think it’s an open question to kind of connect, but they actually. We experience, then more pressure added on to it. Yeah.

Danny Kwon

Well, how about this balance between that? You know, sometimes we view them as still children, even though they’re teenagers, but and sometimes we don’t view them as not yet adults, but we have to find this balance of you know that like they’re not yet adults, but they’re they’re not children anymore, and the fine topics of conversation and building bridges that are appropriate, but especially not treating them like children by talking down to them, but, you know, but you know, maybe treating them like emerging adults, adults that are still growing, but you know, being able to talk about topics that are important to them, yeah,

Monica Kim

Yeah, that can Be a little bit challenging for us, especially if we’re we have, we’re trying to meet them at that place where they’re not children, but also not fully adults. And they’re transitioning. There’s a transition as teenagers from continuously, you know, in in their development, and this is a really important time of development, how to meet them there is really important. So I think it’s important for parents. I don’t know about you, I think about how important it is for parents to recognize the challenge ourselves and oftentimes we think of our teenagers more in the context of we need to constantly teach them, or as we’ve often felt maybe many of us have felt growing up. My our parents are constantly lecturing to us, constantly trying to teach us about life and what to look out for. And that’s really not necessarily meeting them at that place then of seeing them as you know teenagers who are who have perspectives and are forming an understanding of themselves and being able to connect with them at that place of development. And so, having said that, again, parents needing to recognize our own fears and not being able to trust in God’s work in the midst of and also shepherding too in the midst of our own teenagers lives is important to Really think about as we consider this topic about building bridges during this developmental period, yeah, and not not going to our default mode of trying to teach them constantly or give them a lecture constantly, but Be able to connect and greet them all so well.

Danny Kwon

And that reminds me about this idea of wanting to lecture them or just teach them because we think they’re children. But, you know, reminds me of Proverbs 1813 where it says, If one gives an answer before he hears it’s folly and shame, and this idea of really, before we lecture them or teach them or give them an answer, sometimes we just have to hear them, and that’s a way to build a bridge to them. And I remember when you know, you know, our kids were teenagers, I would often want to just tell them something, or, you know, just give them an answer, or, you know, say this is the way it’s done, instead of trying to build that bridge by hearing them and and listening to them and really wanting to hear what their experiences are and how they’re feeling about certain things, and you know about, you know, the future, or their experiences on a day to day to build that bridge. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Monica Kim

I know we’re talking about, again, challenging our own default modes of as parents when we are engaging our teenagers, because sometimes our default mode from out of fears or from out of a perspective. Of of not understanding how that Jesus also is shepherding their hearts too and to entrust their care to him. We often will, because of that default mode, we will participate in a way of engaging that actually doesn’t build a bridge. And so, like you were saying, we’re trying to, we’re looking at the ways in which bridges are not built, but also trying to talk a little bit about how can then we build bridges. And I appreciate hearing about the focus on really listening to them first adding on to that. Just just an experience of even with my teenagers growing up, I really had to practice being aware of my urge or the compulsion whenever I saw them to say, How was school today? Or what did you do at school, or tell me about things that happened to you, because that’s you know, I’m thinking that’s the big context that they’re there they just were in. So I well, I think that it’s just an open question. The responses with that compulsive question was more about my heart too. But in addition, when I saw my son’s responses, it was more of a Yeah, nothing happened or or didn’t share. They wouldn’t share too much. I remember having to pull that back and really engage initially in a different posture of being able to pull that compulsion back and open up my posture to really wanting to greet them, well, yeah, hey, good to see you. So you know I’m so delighted, or I’m so happy you’re here, or those kind of comments and and it just and I think that that is something so important for parents to think about. I mean, we look at Scripture, and we see how all the Pauline epistles, if you like, a lot of the Pauline epistles, before digging into all of the teaching and the guidance and the truth the direction, Paul starts off. A lot of them with this really, you know, this warm greeting, let’s say Philippians, chapter one, verse two, Grace to you and peace from God our Father and the Lord Jesus Christ, what a posture to take, and how important that is for us as parents to kind of pull back and how to take a posture of first delighting in Our children or teens, and how to then engage them is important, yeah.

Danny Kwon

And to get a little bit more specific about building bridges with our teenagers, I want to talk about two things, about discussing similar experiences that you had as a teen we had as a teen versus them, and also this idea of the future, discussing the future with them. And I know, like, I’ll admit that, like sometimes, like, when you know, our son played football, and I said, hey, when I played football, and he would not want to listen. Or, you know, they all play tennis, they all played varsity tennis, and I’d be like, hey, when I play tennis and they didn’t want to listen. But research is showing that discussing similar experiences with our teens can be a way to build bridges with them, and I’m just wondering, because life has changed and things have changed since we were teenagers, but how do we talk about similar experiences? Well, that our teenagers can appreciate and embrace it, yeah,

Monica Kim

Yeah, that’s when you brought that point of connection up. Yeah, hi, hey, when you know I play tennis, yeah, right. Or football, this is my experience. Yeah. Yeah, I think we I think while that understanding of, you know, being able to share in a similar experience is a an important concept, I think as parents, we might not know how to do that well, right? Because it does kind of go back into now, let me tell you about my experience, versus saying, Oh, tell me about your experience. Ah, I experienced something similar to that, and then being able to join them in their experience. I don’t know if that distinction. Distinction makes sense. No, it’s good. Often pull them out of their experience to tell them we had the same experience. So listen to our experience, versus us identifying with their experience and joining them and recognizing and acknowledging their experience.

Danny Kwon 

Yeah, and I wonder if some of that has to do with, like, listening well, like we talked about a few minutes earlier, and also, I guess, how you share your experience, because I know that you know, Monica, you shared with our boys your experience going to college and how much stress it was, or the experience of you lost a brother when you were young, and they’ve really seemed to embrace it, and it’s become a real bridge that between you and the boys versus when I share I used to play tennis. You know, they kind of zone out.

Monica Kim

Right again. I think that might be due to the differences of the angle coming. Does that make sense? Like I think your angle might be. Now, tell me. I’ll tell you about my experience. Why don’t you listen to my experience? Yeah, for myself, I do think a lot about what are they telling me, and how can I acknowledge and accept and validate their experience by sharing how my how I understand their experience through my having experienced it, yeah, does that angle, yeah? Kind of focusing on acknowledging or accepting or validating their experience, yeah? You know, I’ll give you an example. You know, our son played football, Luke played football, and there were a lot of racial taunts that he had experienced. And I he and I may have shared similar taunting experiences in different contexts, but but his experience was slightly different in the sense that he experienced the taunting, but he looked at it as more fuel to be able to now do better. Yeah, whereas I experienced it as something that I just felt really punished by, or, you know, felt hurt by. So I’m not going to go to him and say, Oh, that that that was really hurtful, wasn’t it right? Because that’s my experience. But I I acknowledge that, yeah, that similar experience acknowledging and validating the racial taunting, yeah, that I experienced that too. That happened a lot, yeah, and that’s amazing. I’m glad that you experience it in such a way that you it gives you more fuel to be able to keep moving and persevering and and and being challenged by it. 

Danny Kwon 

Yeah, I, of course, I appreciate you my wonderful wife and counselor and psychologist and so and the last building of bridges that I want to talk about, which is a delicate balance, because they say, if you talk about it in a healthy way, talking about future and transition in life can be scary for teens, but can be a real opportunity to build bridges with your teens and as Asian American parents, how do we talk about you know, this is for me to answer too, but how do we talk about future and transition without stressing them out about academics and their you? Expectations and their success, and you know, because it can be, and as the research is showing, these unknowns can be a helpful way to create space and a place to talk with your teenagers and build bridges and for you to grow in your relationship. But you know, we can cause more stress too. And I guess, you know, obviously I would, you know, you know, say we have to be able to first be quick to listen, as James says, in a different context of anger, but James 119 this idea of, if we’re going to talk about the future, you know, be again, this idea of being quick to listen to our teenager about their thoughts about their future and their anxieties and stresses and just be a good ear to them.

Monica Kim

Yeah, yeah. I agree with you on that we need to be equipped to listen. Because what’s important about that for I think us as parents, is that we do come with a lot of concerns and a lot of worries and fears about our teenagers futures. How will they be able to live? Will they be able to be of character, of good character? Will they also still love the Lord success. Yeah. Will they succeed? Will they be able to adult? Yeah? Do adulting life and be responsible? A lot of questions come in our minds and when we when we ourselves think about future and and I am speaking on both of our, you know, on both of our behalf, in the sense that we would get worried and we’d want to tell our teenagers, when they were Teenagers, what to do, how to do it, and what we expect of them, and rather than while sharing expectations, I think is a good thing. I think if we are to build a bridge, we really need to guide them with questions about, how are they thinking about their future? What kind of goals do they have? What delights you? How is how do you feel? God is calling you to serve him. What does that look like? And then really delighting in that conversation, waiting for how the Lord may unfold his plan for them future. So more about joining with open questions.

Danny Kwon

Yeah, and I think that’s you know, especially for me as an Asian American second gen who grew up with parents who were hard working immigrants, and there was somewhat of a pressure to succeed and do well and go to a certain college, and then now with our kids, some of that has might have been passed on to me, you know, and I need to realize that, you know, to really healthy way to build bridges is to not project that onto my own teenager and to guard my own heart and to really Make sure that I’m not causing more stress and anxiety to our my own kids and teenagers, yeah.

Monica Kim

Because many of them are already thinking about it, yeah, already stressed.

Danny Kwon

So yeah, I just want to encourage our listeners to really work to build bridges in different ways. Future expectation, you know, really listening to their teenager and not just going and, you know, really developing interest in their lives and so well, we appreciate our listeners, the Asian American parenting podcast, and we encourage you to embrace the whole hope and joy of the Gospel and believe that it’s true powerful and transformative. Thanks for listening to Asian American parenting. We’ll see you next time you.