Episode 5: How Do We Deal With Our Misbehaving Teens? Part 1

Danny Kwon: Welcome to Asian American parenting, a podcast from rooted ministry and the sola network, where the gospel meets Asian American faith culture and parenting. Each episode, we explore how to raise the next generation with a strong gospel foundation in Christ while navigating the unique challenges of our cultural identity. Thanks for joining us. Let’s dive in. Welcome to Asian American parenting. I’m Danny Kwan from rooted ministry, and I’m with my co host, Monica Kim from the SOLA Network. 

Monica Kim: It’s good to be here.

Danny Kwon: Good to be here again. Just want to let everyone know that we’re excited. And today we’re going to be talking about dealing with misbehavior of our teenage children. And this is going to be a two part episode. In this first episode, we’re going to be focusing on the parents need to be reflective about themselves, their perspectives and their hearts as an important part of dealing with the misbehaviors of their children. And in part two, as we talk about misbehaviors of our children, we’re going to be talking about more specific ways of how we deal with misbehaviors of our children and address misbehaviors of our children. So we’re excited to talk about this now, when it comes to addressing misbehaviors of our teenage children, they can come in the form of various ways. Then not listening to you when you say, Put away your cell phone. It’s two in the morning, and you see that their light is still on and they’re not going to sleep, and they’re still on their computer or cell phone. You and I, Monica, we were at a parenting conference doing some talks, and I remember this one family, these parents coming up to us and sharing about they wanted to have dinner with their teenage child, but their child would never eat with them. And they were not only extremely sad, but you could see that they were really frustrated and even angry that their teenager was rebellious or disobedient or misbehaving, and it just kind of reminded me, for you Monica is a biblical counselor and a psychologist this idea of parents, you know, in this case, I felt like they were very sad, but also really frustrated and angry. And sometimes when our kids are misbehaving, we want to control. We are tempted to want to make them obey, make them study. And I know that you’ve pointed that that’s been a heart struggle of mine, a sin of mine. And you know, how can we work on that as parents in our hearts?

Monica Kim: Yeah, I appreciate you asking that question about, How can we as parents work on that in our hearts? I think it’s so important for parents, when we do have that tendency to want to control our teenagers, especially when they misbehave or aren’t listening to our words, that we need to be reflective and reflective parenting is really important overall, whether for little children or teens, reflecting on our hearts and our perspectives and how we are reacting to The misbehaviors of our children. Jeremiah, if we think about even Jeremiah, 17, verse nine, it says The heart is deceitful above all things and desperate, desperately sick. Who can understand it? But it says, I the LORD, search the heart and test the mind and so becoming reflective in our parent. Teaching is a couple fold number one, a attitude or posture of humility, in knowing that we ought to come to the Lord in that humility to gain insight about where we are becoming reactive, what is going on inside of us. So those two things, again, humility, and then turning to the Lord in that humility about insight into our hearts, really important. 

Danny Kwon: You know, and I think on that, like, for me, you know, wanting to control, like, make my kids go to sleep. Make my kids, you know, you know, making sure that they’re not on their computer too much, you know, making my kids listen to my instruction. And you know, it was maybe my desire to want to produce a certain result, which maybe in itself is not bad, but I had to think, where am I being deceitful? My heart is deceitful to me and what my calling is as a parent to my teenage children.

Monica Kim: Yeah, yeah, yeah, that’s important that you were able to think about that or to reflect on it, because while we as Christian parents are called to do that, we come with that humility and reflection because of what God has already done for us. That’s, you know, really reassuring, that it’s not that we have to be good parents in order to be good, but because we have been made already righteous because of the Lord’s work for us, that makes it so much more reassuring to be able to then reflect on what is going on in our hearts, especially in light of controlling or trying to make our children, our teen children, do what we want, even though what we want for them may not be bad in itself, even the Bible. Talks about children obey your parents in the Lord, for it is right. That’s Ephesians chapter six, Honor your father and mother. For this is the command, first commandment, with a promise that it may go well with you and that you may live long in the land. So there’s this idea that that children’s obedience will produce to parents will can produce some good in the end. However, as you said, we can’t make them obey, and so when we reflect on why we are getting really angry and frustrated. It’s so important for us to consider what’s going on in our hearts. What, what might we want to be controlling for? What? What is it that is capturing our desires for wanting it and then demanding it and then really getting angry about not getting it.

Danny Kwon: Yeah, and another issue that that makes me think of Monica, is what’s going on in our heart, you know, because you’re a psychologist and a biblical counselor, so maybe you can reflect on this. We grew up with more Korean parents who were traditional Koreans, Confucian ethic, Korean values, and we they were people who understood authority. Taught us to obey, and we were inculcated with this idea that you obey your parents, you obey your elders, you obey those of authority. But our children now were raised here in the West, in America, and they’re taught to be more independent, free thinkers, and even sometimes I wanted my kids to be free thinkers. And independent thinkers and stand up for themselves and be, you know, you know, speak out. And so it’s that kind of juxtaposition between where we were raised a certain way, and sometimes I expect my children to also follow that same first generation way, but I raised them in a different way. I raised them to be independent, and so my heart is conflicting with itself. It’s in turmoil, and these Asian, Asian American values are in conflict with themselves. And you’ve always told me when it comes to our kids, hey, you’ve taught them to be free thinkers and independent thinkers when they speak out even when they’re misbehaving and we have a little bit of an argument or a fight about it. 

Monica Kim: Yeah that’s a good example of parents having to reflect on how culture has influenced ourselves, but also influenced our children, yeah, and the ways in which we can get really, like you said, conflicted inside, yeah, that’s really important for us to humbly be aware of and make sense of that in some ways, because in that conflict, you actually are giving your children such mixed messages, and that in those mixed messages, their expectation to obey. And then on top of that, as Christians, we then highlight the importance of obedience, and then when we add that element in, then it creates a lot more tension or turmoil and confusion, also for our children, teen children, particularly, and so we need to be thoughtful about that. And how are we called then to understand that we may give our teen children mixed expectations and not be very clear about that. I know in our second part of this, we will be talking about the importance of really being clear about your expectations and how to do that well with them. 

Danny Kwon: And so we keep on going back to this idea of our hearts and even the hearts of our children when they are misbehaving, because the tendency, at least for me as a parent, and I think for a lot of parents, is when our kids misbehave, disobey, rebel, we get angry. We look at them and say, you piece of you know, you know, we get really upset at them. And how can we instead, really understand a biblical view and understand miso be misbehavior and obedience biblically and in terms of the condition of their heart and our heart as parents.

Monica Kim: Yeah, I know Proverbs. We often to kind of think about Proverbs, 2215 you know, we we talked about Jeremiah, 1719, in terms of our hearts are deceitful proverbs. 2215 specifically also says Folly is bound up in the heart of a child. You know, that’s part one of it, and there’s the call to to guide and discipline them. Having said that, it’s when we sometimes when we think about folly being bound up in the heart of a child. We may want to as parents, then want to control more by demanding more. And I think again it goes, we have to, again, go back to what’s going on in my heart as God calls us to even consider many approaches to our teen children. For example, A gentle answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger. That’s Proverbs, 15, one. Yeah, and rather than just continuing up the demand on our child, because we think that they are foolish in their hearts, and so we bring that up, not because we’re saying now parents be more demanding upon them, but it means that we’re going to actually feel like we have to be more demanding, because not only are we foolish and our hearts are deceitful, but so are they, and so if you put all that combination together, there’s that really it could bring up such a vicious cycle, and God has called us as parents to be able to be the one we as parents, to be able to be the ones who will raise them up in a the discipline and instruction of The Lord and not provoke our children to anger so or exasperate them. So we’re we’re called to be thoughtful about how we can manage that, and so we need to continue to really think about ourselves and how we can respond.

Danny Kwon: So in that idea, then I think about this idea of loving and caring for our teenager when they’re misbehaving, rebelling, not listening to us, and I know we’re going to talk again. You mentioned addressing misbehavior in the next episode. But how can we love and care for our teenager when they’re miso, disobeying or misbehavior, rebelling? I know for me some simple steps that I’ve taken is sometimes I just need to walk away from the situation, like if I am starting to get upset at my child that they’re not listening. They’re misbehaving. I need to tell them, hey, we’re going to talk about this later, but we are going to talk about it, but I need time the process so I don’t get angry at you, and in that way, I am showing a model of patience and love, saying that working on my heart is also a priority. Yes, that I’m going to calm down. I am going to revisit this, but I’m going to calm down, and in doing so, I’m going to love and care for them. It’s not excusing their misbehavior, but I’m going to calm down, reflect, find peace, and then I’m back and talk to them, and you’ve helped me with that, but I’m just thinking about other ways that maybe parents can seek to love and care for teenagers when they’re misbehaving or disobeying, not getting off their phone, you know? 

Monica Kim: Yeah, I know. Again, we’re that’s a an important question that we’ll dive into a lot more in the second episode. So I just, I want to encourage what you had said and emphasize that, I think this is really an important approach that parents need to take is again, be reflective about their reaction, where their hearts are in light of that. And as you said, if you recognize you are really emotionally unregulated or dysregulated, not able to stay calm, to be able to let your child, teen child, know that you need to step out to take that personal time to calm down and then come back. Ephesians, 426, to 27 says, Be angry and do not sin, right? And so you’re as a parent, really modeling that for them. That’s really important. James, you know, chapter one, verses 19 to 20, says, um. Know this, my beloved brothers, let every person be quick to hear, slow to speak, slow to anger, for the anger of man does not produce the righteousness of God. So I just want to emphasize that for this episode, that that’s where a good word or a gentle answer and a wise approach will be able to be maintained with your teen child, and that’s what we want to encourage for folks.

Danny Kwon: And one last question, you know, like when our kids, at times were not studying, for example, and they weren’t listening when I told them to study. I always had to reflect on they’re misbehaving, but where is the issue of my heart that I’m worried about their studies and their future, and I want them to be a success and succeed, or they don’t want to do an activity in school, and it’s going to ruin their college resume, and I’m so worried about their success. You know, where as a biblical counselor, how do you advise parents to think about our desires amidst the misbehavior of our teenage children, versus what God wants from us as our parents, and you know, the results that we hope to see in a humanistic way versus trusting in the Lord? 

Monica Kim: Sometimes those two things, what we want and what God wants, might not be in conflict necessarily right, because our desire for our children to do well in the world may not be apart from what God also wants, in the sense that God does say, from Out of the gospel of grace, He calls us to love and spur one another on to do good works. And part of you know that loving God and loving others and how to love God love others in practical ways, may include studying hard may include being faithful to the work God has given you as a student. May include being able to explore and enjoy or develop these talents that God has given to our teen children. It could include a lot of these things that are good, and so we don’t want to, I guess, like say this either or, in terms of, this is good and this is bad, but in terms of, you know, this is what God wants and This is what the world wants only but God is the one who has called his people to live reflecting, you know, loving him and loving others and so that, I guess that’s what I wanted to really emphasize as you’re sharing that a second thing want to address is our hearts do get really our hearts do wander and we do start wanting to we do, as parents, desire things more than God himself too. Yeah, we want for our children, maybe more than loving God and loving others to be a success. We may want our children more than loving God and loving others to really make a lot of money. We may want them to be very, you know, prominent in society for a lot of reasons, and particularly, especially if we’re thinking about our Asian American culture. We do we have grown up in culture. A culture, sometimes of shame so an honor, and the idea that we have to present our family name well or be successful. And we do, we may do a lot of comparisons concerning other families or other children how better they’re doing, and then we may use those kind of tactics to really want our teen child to really succeed, and that’s why it’s so important for us as parents of teens and also Asian American parents of teens, to be able to reflect on our own hearts. Where is it getting side tracked and wandering? Where are we making something good and idolatry, and how can we reorient ourselves back to God’s call in light of being parents who are called to raise up our children in instruction and discipline of The word. 
Danny Kwon: That’s really good. That’s really a graceful message and reflection for our parents. And I look forward to continuing this conversation in part two, where we talk about specific ways that we can address misbehavior in our beautiful and sometimes difficult teenagers. So until next time, may we embrace the hope and joy of the Gospel and believe that it’s true, powerful and transformative. Thanks for listening to Asian American parenting. Applause. We hope that you have enjoyed this podcast for more resources, visit the show notes, see you next time you.