Episode 6: How Do We Deal With Our Misbehaving teens? Part 2

Danny Kwon: Welcome to Asian American parenting, a podcast from Rooted ministry and the SOLA Network where the gospel meets Asian American faith culture and parenting. Each episode, we explore how to raise the next generation with a strong gospel foundation in Christ while navigating the unique challenges of our cultural identity. Thanks for joining us. Let’s dive in. Welcome to Asian American parenting. I’m Danny Kwan from rooted ministry, and this is my co host, Monica Kim from the solar network, good to be here. Yep, Monica is a counselor and biblical counselor and psychologist. And I was a youth pastor and family ministry pastor for 29 years at one church, and today, in our follow up episode, we’re going to be talking again about ways that parents can deal and address with misbehavior of their teenage child, and today we’re going to be talking about some practical and concrete ways we can deal with that Last time we talked about the importance of the parents need to be reflective about themselves and their hearts in dealing with a teenager who’s acting out and misbehaving. And I think it was very practical, but this week, we’re going to deal with even more practical and concrete steps and to begin the conversation, Monica, well, I’m going to ask you the question, what are some things generally that parents can do to address misbehavior?

Monica Kim: Well, as we start off with that question, I think what comes to mind, it seems important for parents to know is what not to do also. So here are just, you know, here are things that aren’t helpful for parents to do when they’re addressing misbehavior, especially as we reflect back on the importance of parents being reflective about their hearts, if we are doing responding to our children a teen child’s misbehavior from out of fear or from out of the desire form or control, especially in light of needing to understand or the importance of understanding a parent’s call before the Lord that we continue to raise them up in the Lord, it’s important for us as parents also to remember our union with Jesus is with us today because of His death and His resurrection, that’s good because of that. Then here are things not to do. Okay, blaming and accusing. When a misbehavior happens that’s almost, you know, that’s quite common. I told you not to do that. Why did you do that? You’re at fault for making that mistake. Yeah, so blaming and accusing name calling. I know that parents out of their frustration and anger because their teen child is not listening to them, sometimes name calling might come up

Danny Kwon: Or cursing at them. I know a lot of parents do that.

Monica Kim: So we want to really refrain from doing all of that, especially as we think about I think this is an important passage to consider in thinking about what to do and what not to do in light of response to our teen child’s misbehavior. James, chapter one, verses 19 to 20, says, Know this, my beloved brothers, let every person be quick to hear, slow to speak, slow to anger, for the anger of man does not produce the righteousness of God. So that’s, I think, a really important passage to think about, especially for parents dealing with teen children’s misbehavior, we often are actually quick to anger, yeah, and quick to, you know, speak and slow to hear. Actually, we don’t hear often times. Yeah, so here are a few things not to do. You don’t want to threaten them when they have they are misbehaving. You also don’t want to be lecturing them.

Danny Kwon: Can I interject on lecturing? I know that many times with my teenage boys, when they. They were misbehaving and did something wrong, I just wanted to sit them down and tell them what they’re doing wrong and how they should do it and how I did it when I was their age, and that often just led to their eyes being glazed over and them checking out and not wanting to listen. Yeah?

Monica Kim: And I do remember our teen children, when they grew up, they would let us know how lecturing them really did not work for them. Yeah? Just tuned out. So you don’t want to be lecturing them, yeah, shaming them, yeah. You know, I do so much for you can’t even do the simple little thing that I’m asking you to do. Yeah, right? Just shaming them, telling them they aren’t doing, you know, they’re not doing good enough. Or another way of, I guess, saying it is you’re guilting them too. Yeah, you’re shaming but you’re also guilting them.

Danny Kwon: Can I add on in another way of shaming them? I know you were going to speak to this is comparing them with other teenagers. And, you know, with our teenagers, I have to repent for this, but saying that that kid made district orchestra and you didn’t, or that that that female student got certain score on the st or things like that. And you know, it’s easy to compare our teenager with others when our teenager seems like they’re misbehaving and the somebody else is not right.

Monica Kim: And shaming or guilting and comparing are quite common reactions or approaches in the Asian American context. I just wanted to put that on the table in every cultural context for sure, but I think in the Asian American context, we often hear one another stories about parents having compared us to another child. And while I think my parents really try to do a good job not to do that, especially as they became disciples of Jesus, who wanted to trust in his call for us and trust in His plan and sovereignty. However, there were those occasions when they did do that. Yeah, and so I know how that feels, in terms of how less than you know, you feel when you’re compared to somebody else.

Danny Kwon: And you know, especially as Asian American parents parenting in the church and your teenage child is part of a youth group, it’s easy to fall in the temptation of comparing to others in their own youth group.

Monica Kim: Yeah, you hear a lot about other families and their children and what they had accomplished and the different kinds of scores they received. So that makes it so difficult. One added feature to that, because in our Asian American circles, education is such a high value that, you know, I understand a lot of other cultures value education at the same time. Asian American folks, we value it so much it becomes sometimes we fear so much. We don’t trust in the Lord in these areas, and we may even idolize that attainment and prestige and success that we would once compare out of fear or out of the desire to control that future for Our children, just two more things not to do, being sarcastic, yeah, with your teen child, I know that you can. Obviously, you can joke around, you know. But when a teen child misbehaves and you’re addressing that being sarcastic to them, you think you’re going to amount to anything now, yeah, look at this. If you can’t do this, how are you going to be able to do something even greater? Yeah, so those kinds of sarcasms are things not to do. And then finally, generalizing from one misbehavior to imagining and saying to them that they’re never going to make it because they did not listen with one thing. So if they had not listened to you, you might say to them, you’re never going to listen to others if you don’t listen now. Yeah, so this idea of generalizing and. Catastrophizing, looking into the future and imagining that this one moment will determine everything about their future. I think that that is, you know, obviously something really you don’t want to do, even though you’re afraid in your heart, and you run to the Lord with that fear, yeah, but we want to approach our children, particularly in their misbehaviors, being quick to hear, slow to speak and slow to anger, yeah.

Danny Kwon: And that slow to speak, slow to anger, kind of reminds me and segues into the idea of what are, again, some things that parents can do to mis address misbehavior. And I think about the book of Proverbs. And proverbs being about a wise king, a father addressing his foolish son. And again, sometimes my teenagers, our teenagers, our boys, were foolish. But why did the wise father in Proverbs have to address his foolish son? This contrast of wisdom and foolishness is because the son was foolish and he needed instruction. He needed help to address his ways, and is again foolishness. So we want to think a little bit about now. What are some things that parents can do to address a mis behavior when your kids are not listening. And the first thing I think we wanted to talk about was describing the problem clearly with your teenager when they’re misbehaving. An example can be, for example, I remember asking our teenagers to go to sleep at night and get off their computers, whether they’re playing games or on social media, and they wanted to stay on it, and sometimes they snuck back on it. They stayed up really late. They were really tired the next morning. What so way to define and describe the problem clearly with them?

Monica Kim: Especially when you see them not listening to expectations or instructions that parents had laid out. And that’s important for teenagers to know that clearly. It’s important that parents have made all of these expectations clear, though, in the first place, having said that when they have misbehaved and they had not been listening to instructions and guidelines and these expectations that are really important to them, especially as you said, that teenagers are foolish. And that’s also true in light of this is, I know that this is a time period when teenagers are developing and they’re trying to expand their independence. They’re trying to connect with friends and continue to make decisions on their own, but while they’re doing that because of the stage of development, they are not something oftentimes, they’re not going to be able to make good decisions. They will, in fact, make some really risky decisions and foolish decisions, as you said. And so it is really, really important for parents of teenagers to make expectations in the home very clear now, when they do misbehave, you want to define the problem clearly, and what that means is be able to let them know when they have misbehaved. Our tendency when we see that misbehavior is to say, I told you to get off the computer. Why didn’t you do that. Don’t you remember we talked about this, we made it really clear that you need to get off and not continue on, because your sleep is very important, and we want to continue to reprimand and lecture and etc. And so if we think about describing the problem, they would be being talking to your teenage child and say, here’s the problem that I see. We had talked about this before, and this is really important, an expectation that we have, and that. Been made clear to you is that you do get off the computer and sleep at a reasonable time. Make that very clear, right? So that’s how you can describe the problem clearly. Yeah,

Danny Kwon: Now sometimes, even when we do that, and I know we talk about this a lot when we speak at churches and do parenting seminars and some of this stuff, we’ve also borrowed some material from a great book. What’s the book called, again, Monica?

Monica Kim: The book is called How to Talk to teens. So how to talk, so teens will listen and listen. So teens will talk, yep.

Danny Kwon: So we this is a lot of our stuff, but some of it from this book. But when we define the problem clearly and describe it to them, sometimes they still don’t want to listen, and they’re going to have an emotional reaction. You know? They’re going to get upset. You know, why are you telling me to get off the computer, or I want to play a little bit more, or I want to be on a little bit more, or I don’t need sleep. What do we do when they have an emotional reaction to are trying to, you know, guide them in wisdom.

Monica Kim: Our off, our instinctual reaction is to get angry at their emotions, right? I can believe you’re getting frustrated. You’re in the wrong, and how dare you get angry? Yeah, right. But again, going back to James, chapter one, verses 19 to 20, I think that’s a really important passage to think about, especially as we are called as believers in Christ, because of him and because of his union with us, and because of his call to be able to live out in that union. Again. Know this, my beloved brothers, let every person be quick to hear, slow to speak, slow to anger, for the anger of man does not produce the righteousness of God. I’m just going to repeat that because we typically want to get angry at our children feeling like we are justified to get angry at them. So being slow to anger means being able to in that moment, it’s this really important balance of being firm with the boundaries that you’ve established and the expectations that you and your teen child have talked about, and being able to also at the same time, be thoughtful or kind about it. So be firm yet kind same time. And so with that, then, if they have an emotional reaction, you don’t want to ignore it or dismiss it, but you also want to acknowledge it. You’re hearing their frustration and you’re hearing their disappointment, so you might acknowledge it and say, I see that you are frustrated and I see that you’re disappointed that you need to get off and go to sleep right now. Okay, yeah, and then be able to again, clearly set your expectations again, so you want to acknowledge it at the same time, because you’re, you know, hearing them, hearing their emotional reactions and what’s behind it, yeah, and having heard them being able to then be kind but firm and speaking into it, because God has called us to instruct our children, yeah, and and then be able to say to them, here’s what we expect. Yeah, I’m sorry you were disappointed, or that must disappoint, and feeling disappointed is hard. We agreed that you need to get off your games and get to bed. Yeah, and while you may not agree with that, we that is our expectation and and rules or guideline in our home, yeah? Because we love you, and so you want to make it very firm,

Danny Kwon: Yeah. And that really again, goes back to James chapter one, slow to anger, slow to speak because, you know it’s going to be tempting when they have an emotional reaction to get angry versus give information clearly and set your expectations with them clearly with love. But. Firmly and again with clarity, right? Yeah, now I know after that. You know, if they continue to resist and misbehave and not listen, I know one thing we often talk about is to offer them a choice, yeah, like when we would ask our teenagers, in the past, our boys, Hey, get off your games. It’s time to eat dinner. And you know, at first they’d be like, No, I want to play more. I’m in the middle of a game. And you know, then we’d, you know, you know, accept their emotional reaction, as far as not ignore it and dismiss it, acknowledge it, and then set expectations for them. But when they continue to resist, we sometimes offer them a few choices. Like, for example, I would say, Hey, you can have one more hour this time, but in the future then, and you can take that one more hour this time, but the next time this happens, you’re going to have to turn off the game right away. So that was a way that I gave them two choices. It’s not the perfect example, but if your teenager continues to resist, is there a way that you can offer them a few choices to try to help them, guide them in wisdom.

Monica Kim: Yeah, I like what you were talking about in terms of offering a choice. I may make it a little bit more of a challenging choice, okay, because I’m just thinking that there, if you offer them one more hour and then the next time get off on time. Yeah. Like, it’s not a challenging choice, okay? It’s like, okay, I’ll take the one hour this time and sure i I’ll get off on time. Okay, I might say this. Maybe say you can either have a choice of, you know, like a 15 minute extension to finish up because, because oftentimes, you know, we had talked about how they felt bad just getting off a game when their team members are playing and they would feel like they’re abandoning their team members. So we would say, either you get off right away or get the 15 minutes extension and finish it up so that you’re not abandoning. You don’t feel like you’re abandoning but the next time, you will end half hour earlier, and you need to manage your time with it. So they might choose to either get off right away, yeah, or they might choose then to extend it 15 minutes. And then we would talk about following up on you have half an hour less meals time, yeah, something like that, so that you let them know that you had not kept to the expectations that we agreed upon. 

Danny Kwon: The next thing we’re thinking about when it comes to this idea of what we can do as parents to address misbehavior is appropriate consequences, and we know that scripture says that God disciplines out of love. How can we implement and think about appropriate consequences for misbehavior of our teenage children. And I’m thinking about, like, in my 29 years as a youth and family pastor, like something simple, like a parent coming and telling me my kid won’t get off their smartphone. And I’m like, Well, tell them you’re going to take it away. And they’re like, okay, but they never do. And what is the place for appropriate consequences? How do we practice discipline with our teenager when there is misappropriate behavior.

Monica Kim: I think that example is a good example in terms of being reasonable with the consequences if it is staying on the smartphone, even at times when they’re not. Allowed to, and they keep doing it over and over again after addressing it, then taking it away for a week, or you won’t be able to use it in these hours when you come back from home, because oftentimes, when they’re out, you may need it to communicate, but when they’re home, you take it back from them and and then hold it for a week. You know, each day they come back. That might be a suitable consequence. But I think what’s really important is another aspect of a suitable consequence is for the parents to be able to be consistent with following up on that consequence. So if the parent says that, that’s what they will do, you’ve got to be able to do it. If you do if you say it, but you don’t follow up. That makes it very confusing. And 14 that communicates to them, oh, okay, I can actually continue to challenge these expectations and boundaries, and my parents won’t really follow up with that.

Danny Kwon: And we’re talking about not only like cell phones, but like teenagers not doing their homework, or…

Monica Kim: Not coming home at the time that you agreed on, yeah,

Danny Kwon: Or just being rebellious. And, you know, like, like, really rudely speaking back and, you know, speaking back to you and talking back to you and treating you rudely, right? Yeah, but there must be some form of guidance showing them their foolishness and appropriate consequences.

Monica Kim: To be able to let them know that behavior is not appropriate, and also it is out of God’s call in terms of our character, if they are continuously getting angry, hitting you or calling you names.

Danny Kwon: Now lastly, we’re going to talk about this idea of coming up with plans for corrected direction together. And it’s very on Asian for me, because I grew up in a Korean immigrant household with, you know, parents who are, you know, believed, you know, practice confusion, kind of hierarchy, and you just listen and obey and do and for a lot of Asian American parents, practicing and coming up with plans for corrected direction together might be foreign or new or strange, But can you talk about this a little bit and elaborate on this.

Monica Kim: Yeah, this is something that we have done when our kids were growing up, also being able to talk to them about what because of their misbehavior and because they’re having a hard time doing the you know, what’s expected of them, yeah. Now, how can we address that? What are we going to come up together? What? What kind of plans can we make together? Yeah, so that they can be able to work towards or correct that expected behavior. So let’s say, for example, something is making it difficult for you know, let’s say, for example, they’re having a hard time getting off the game. And I bring this up because that this is what had happened in the past, right? We would give them expectations. We had this we had these guidelines where they’re not allowed to play during the week night, but when they play during the weekends, that there are still certain hours by which they need to get off their games, whether it is to eat dinner they or obviously if they have other plans, and also sleeping time, church the next day, yeah, things of that nature. So we would tell them, that’s our expectation, and they understood it, and they agreed on it, and they would continuously have a difficult time getting off of it at the time that we agreed on especially, let’s say for dinner time. And I’d go in their room, they’ll say, just give me 10 more minutes, mom, 10 more minutes. And we would talk about it. I’d give them that choice, or, you know, have them work on getting a. Off the games on time, right? But it would happen over and over again. So now I’m sitting down with them and asking them, hey, making the problem clear, we agreed that you’d get off the game by dinner time, and we agreed your my expectation for you is that we would be eating dinner together as a family, and that’s really important to us. That’s important because we love you. But it looks like because this is happening, this has happened now a few times, you know, up until now, something is making it difficult, yeah, for you to get off the computer on time, for you to get to dinner. Now, what’s making it difficult? First of all, you know, I give them an opportunity to share about what’s making it difficult and what I heard from them, and which is why I know that. You know they’re they’re expressions of difficulty, of abandoning their team on a game, yeah? And, you know, oftentimes, in the midst of them saying that my, you know, I would even think, in my mind, that’s only a game, and this is life, that’s a game, and this is life, right? I would be thinking that, but I would listen empathically or sympathetically and say, okay, so you don’t want to abandon your teammates, and you feel really bad. Okay, so now let’s figure this out. How are you going to end the game by the time that you need to eat dinner? What can you do prior to that to be able to get off at this time. So we talk about it. Well, how would they be able to work on a plan to get to be able to do what’s expected? And then they come up with different things? Well, you know, I think I have to start thinking about getting off by 30 minutes before Yeah, and then play, and know that it takes around that much time to be able to end the game and then get off, even if it is earlier than the time. And so we come up with that kind of plan for corrected direction together. So that’s an example of that. 

Danny Kwon: And that can be, like, used for, like, going to sleep on time, right? Making sure you’re sleeping for school.

Monica Kim: Yeah, asking them, hey, what’s making it difficult? 

Danny Kwon: How to get in the mindset to do homework or school work when they don’t want to do it, things like that. Yeah, that’s really, really good stuff. Yeah, so this whole idea of really thinking about ways that we as parents can think about how do we deal with misbehavior of our children, and what are some things we can do, is vast, but it takes a step by step, patient, thorough process and again, reminding each of us of James chapter one again, beloved. Let every person be quick to hear slow to speak and slow to anger, that’s great stuff. Monica, I appreciate it well. That’s about all the time we have today for Asian American parenting. May we embrace the hope and joy of the Gospel and believe that it’s true, powerful and transformative until next time you can find us on all the podcast channels that you find your favorite podcast and please subscribe to Asian American parenting. Thank you. We hope that you have enjoyed this podcast for more resources, visit the show notes, see you next time you.