There is a dangerous and damaging ideology that is making its way into Christian thought and life. It is “self-love” — the idea that the ability to love one’s self leads to happiness and well-being.
I’ve encountered and counseled more and more individuals within the church who are pursuing self-love and self-improvement. They are unhappy with who they see in the mirror and are struggling to love themselves. Understandably, many are turning to self-love to find ways to be comfortable with who they are.
What is driving us into the philosophy of self-love? This struggle isn’t unique to Asian Americans, but we do have specific experiences that contribute to our inability to love the self. Let us look at three in particular.
1. Home & Parents
Our immigrant parents’ primary way to show us love was by working hard, providing educational opportunities, and driving us to succeed. For the most part, their expressions of love were effective.
But because of this outcome-based focus, our parents weren’t as emotionally available to us. The only way we got attention from our parents was by either performing well or rebelling. When we did not meet expectations, the love was often withheld. But even when we succeeded, we feared the consequences of disappointing our parents the next time. Love often felt conditional, leading us to try to find unconditional love elsewhere.
2. School & Peers
The affirmations and affections that were lacking at home wouldn’t be found in school either. We were culturally Asian at home, while we were forced to code switch and be American at school.
Although many of us were able to switch effectively, we still struggled with being accepted because of our skin color, accent, and the shape of our eyes. We would regularly be bullied and called names. It was painfully obvious that we were different. To fit in meant to act and look like the majority culture, and although we could sometimes play the part, we could never fully blend in. Because of this we never felt fully accepted for being Asian and American.
3. Church & Pastors
Instead of being a place where we learned about God’s grace and love, the church taught us about the law and how to follow rules. Being a Christian meant being a good boy or girl. Moral behavior would be rewarded with stars on the chart, while disobedience would beget punishment or complete neglect. Acceptance and approval in the church, like home, would heavily depend on performance.
Even if we had good parents, had friends who loved us, and went to a church that preached grace and love, we’ve felt the urge to put on a face. We’ve lied to cover our true feelings or to hide our misbehavior. For those of us who grew up in harder and harsher environments, we’ve felt this burden to perform even more.
So we’ll turn to other things to fill that need for love and acceptance. In this cultural age, many of us are turning to ourselves to find love. We say that we must accept ourselves for who we are, and if other people can’t accept that, then they’re in the wrong. We say that we need to put ourselves first, then we can help others. But is that right?
What does the Bible say about the “self”?
First, there is inherent worth, value, and dignity embedded in the “self” because God created us in His image (Gen. 1:27). We were created to be His glorious representatives on this earth. Being created in God’s image is what sets us apart from the rest of creation. We are valuable simply and ultimately because we are image-bearers.
Second, because of sin, the truth of our value, worth, and dignity was twisted and marred. Adam and Eve decided they wanted nothing to do with their Creator. They chose to be their own authority, and sin estranged man’s relationship with God.
Although we are still created in the image of God, sin distorted how we viewed ourselves. Adam and Eve’s saw their nakedness and felt shame, even hiding in the garden after hearing God’s footsteps.
The further consequences of sin were laid out in the judgment of the Fall (Gen. 3:16-19). Rather than having fruitful working lives and healthy relationships, we now toil at work while having low self-esteem and dealing with painful insecurities.
But rather than to turn back to the infinite Creator who could restore us and our relationships, we’ve turned to finite created things that cannot offer lasting, sustainable joy or satisfaction.
Third, adherence to God’s law shows us our depravity but cannot restore our dignity. Culture can be cruel in its standards, but its requirements are nothing compared to God’s law that requires absolute perfection (Ja. 2:10; 1 Pet. 1:14-16). The law helps us realize that the self is broken and unfixable (Gal. 3:21), but it cannot cleanse us from our sins.
Finally, God’s mission is to renew the self through reconciliation. If our true worth and value is found in our relationships with God, then the sin that severed that union needs to be eliminated.
To do so, Jesus Christ came to earth to live a perfect life, die for our sins, and rise again after three days. We are called to actually deny the “self”, the take up the cross and follow him (Matt. 16:24). Our sinful self was crucified, and Jesus’ perfect life was credited to us (Gal. 2:20). In Him, our ultimate dignity and worth are redeemed and restored because His life becomes ours, and God accepts us based on the work of His Son.
This is the goodness of the Gospel. Unlike cultural trends that constantly shift their standards of beauty, worth, and acceptance, a Christian’s identity is grounded in a single act of Another. He accomplished our salvation, and in doing so, permanently restored worth to the “self.”
Better Than Self-Love
Instead of pursuing self-love, we must rest in the love God has for us, which has been made real in Christ’s work through the cross. The reason many of us struggle to love the self is because we haven’t enjoyed the depths of God’s love.
But how do we do that? Jesus teaches us that the way to the Father is by pursuing and loving God with all that we have.
“And you shall love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind and with all your strength.” (Mark 12:30)
We need to learn about the depths of his grace and mercy and the heights of his love. In doing so, our view of ourselves as redeemed sons and daughters will become solidified. We will be confident that we are loved by the one true God.
But the effects of his love do not stop there. Once we start to understand and experience God’s personal love for us, then we can love others as well.
“The second is this: ‘You shall love your neighbor as yourself.’ There is no other commandment greater than these.” (Mark 12:31)
Do you see the natural outflow of these two commandments? We are first called to love God and then to love others. Our own selves are third on that list. It is our job as fellow brothers and sisters to speak the truth of God’s love to our family, friends, co-workers, and church members. We are the tools He can use to break people out of the lies of self-love and self-improvement.
Self-love is not the Gospel. It is self-seeking and selfish. Instead, the goal of the Christian life is for Christ to increase and for the “self” to decrease. When Jesus’ love becomes a reality in our lives, we will find a greater ability to love ourselves and to love others. Jesus Christ emptied Himself and laid down His life, and God glorified Him. We are called to do the same. Let us stop pursuing self-love and pursue Christ’s love.