Editor’s Note: This piece was originally published on Heidi Tai’s blog. It has been republished here with permission from the author. Check out the rest of Heidi’s writings on her website.
The other day, my YouTube video was interrupted by a “Body Editor” advertisement. With the Australian summer fiercely at our doorstep, you can now download a mobile app to build the body of your dreams. With the option to give yourself a thigh gap with a single tap and chiseled abs with a single swipe, showing off a brand-new beach bod has never been easier!
Usually I skip YouTube ads, but this one got my attention. I had always thought that airbrushing was a tool used exclusively by models and celebrities, so I was surprised that I had been carefully profiled for an ad like this. Is this how everyone manages to look so perfect on social media these days? Are the faces and physiques of real people now also being curated by an online template? How #candid are your candids, really?
Now I have never used a “Body Editor” app, but I am no saint of authenticity. I confess that I too am guilty of manipulating my public image. Although the world tells me to embrace #selflove and to #liveauthentic, I am not always confident in my own skin. I use BB Cream to cover my pores, freckles, and acne scars. I try to photograph on my “good side” to avoid a double chin. I have used Photoshop to airbrush blemishes, and I’m quick to untag myself from unflattering candids.
I believe that our generation’s unquestionable use of filters and fake images actually unveils a deep longing for acceptance and redemption. Whether our public image is squeaky clean (or intimidatingly badass), we’ve all faked it at times to save face and to uphold a reputation. We all have secrets that we hope to take to the grave. Some of us might choose to expose ourselves before death, but even then, we’re selective about who we can trust. Our vulnerability comes with limits because experience has shown us that humans are capable of letting us down.
- Have you ever voiced a boundary only to be dismissed?
- Have you ever tried to express who you are, only to be told that you’ll never be enough?
- Have you voiced an insecurity only to be exploited by those with power?
- Have you tried to ‘be yourself’ and found yourself mocked by the popular majority?
- Have you grown up having to defend your emotions and a right to an opinion?
I believe most of us have trained ourselves to wear masks and build walls, to protect our hearts and to perfect first impressions. I shouldn’t be surprised that a “Body Editor” app exists because, in a world where relationships are complex and chaotic, the Internet is a virtual solace where our mess and blemishes can be carefully filtered out.
When I started my blog, I committed to sharing ‘honest words from a hope-filled heart’. In a filtered world consumed by fake news, I wanted my readers to see my humanity and the reason for my hope. For this reason, I’ve shared my childhood wounds that have contributed to adult insecurities. I’ve shared my struggles with Christianity, leadership, internalized racism, and mental health.
Many people have asked me how I feel about having such intimate thoughts ‘out there’ for the world to critique. I have to admit it’s terrifying. People judge and trolls exist, but what empowers me to hit the publish button is the knowledge that the only Reader whose opinion matters already knows me fully and loves me completely:
“You have searched me, Lord,
and you know me.You know when I sit and when I rise;
you perceive my thoughts from afar.You discern my going out and my lying down;
you are familiar with all my ways.Before a word is on my tongue
you, Lord, know it completely.”
(Psalm 139:1-4)
How well does God know me? Very well. My pen serves a God who is omniscient, meaning he is all-knowing, all-seeing, and all-wise. Far from simply knowing what I look like without my BB Cream on, my God is fully acquainted with the intricacies of my mind, heart, and soul. While I can trick and hide from humans, God has the sight to expose every invisible thought, emotion, and motive.
God sees my inconsistencies and insecurities. He knows when my true self doesn’t match up with my online presence. He knows when I’m facing the world with a brave face. He sees the guilt and shame that I shoulder in secret. He knows what I have done and what I’m scared to do. He knows the words that I will speak before they even leave my mouth! No matter my image under the spotlight, God sees all and knows exactly who I am.
Being seen and known by an omniscient God was once a terrifying idea, but I have learned that it is safe to be candid because His knowledge and love for me go hand in hand. Jesus shows us that he is a savior who has the power to expose and the willingness to redeem. Jesus had the supernatural ability to know strangers by name and to see hidden motives. He fed and healed crowds of people, knowing he would be deserted. He washed Judas’ feet, knowing he would be betrayed. He befriended Peter, knowing he would be denied. He invited Mary into his presence, knowing who she was: a sinner.
I see my inconsistencies and sin in all of these characters, and yet at the cross, it was the consistent and sinless Christ who was stripped so that my hypocrisy will never be exposed; it was he who was mocked, so that I will never be shamed; and he who was forsaken, so that I will never be rejected by my Creator. Jesus not only knows the skeletons in my closet – he nailed them to the cross and went to hell in my place.
In a world that persuades me to hide behind filters, masks, and walls, being candid before God and others has been a steep learning curve. On days when I’m tempted with “Body Editor” apps, I have to remind myself that it is safe to be #candid before God because Jesus has freed me to stand bare-faced before my Judge without blemish:
“Once you were alienated from God…But now he has reconciled you by Christ’s physical body through death to present you holy in his sight, without blemish and free from accusation…” – Colossians 1:21-22
So…how #candid are your candids, really?