The better I listen, the better I lead.
That’s what I’ve learned from being trained as a spiritual director. Someone who helps others notice the work of God in their lives and move forward in step with Him.
Listening means more than simply hearing the words the other person is saying. It encompasses taking everything the person presents into account: words, tone, gestures, emotions, energy level, and more. It also involves giving the other person the place of honor in the conversation and responding in ways that help validate and deepen what they have shared. The way I present myself as the listener can encourage the other person to bring forth more of themselves.
How I Learned to Listen
I learned to truly listen through the Institute for Spiritual Formation at Biola University. There, I received the gift of being immersed in a community of listeners. I felt incredibly valued as others gave me so much time and space to process my inner world. I felt loved, affirmed, and wanted as others interacted with me without making me feel shame or guilt or trying to fix me. And through this community, I learned how to listen well. I certainly gained a wealth of skills through my training as a spiritual director. Yet beyond that, I learned how to give myself to others through the act of listening. Listening became part of who I am. And I became convinced of the power of listening as I saw others around me live in greater freedom with God through how they were being heard.
Why Listening Matters for Leadership
Listening is essential to leadership. Whether in the church, the workplace, or the home, the better you listen, the more effectively you can lead. Here are three reasons why:
- Listening helps open people’s hearts so they can experience God
All throughout Scripture, we are encouraged to give our hearts to God. Whether our praise (Ps. 150), our lament (Ps. 13), our anxiety (1 Pet. 5:7), our anger (Ps. 137), our requests (Phil. 4:6), and more. Yet at times, that can feel difficult to do. Especially if we hold images of God in our hearts that lead us to believe that He won’t hear. Or that He’ll judge. Or be distant. Or silent.
Listening well gives someone an experience of feeling cared for. It provides someone with the sense that you treasure their words and honor their story. That you seek to be with them in love. The more someone experiences this from you, the more their hearts are open to also seeing that God is this way. Which then opens their hearts to experiencing more of Him. As a leader, the more you listen, the more opportunities you have to draw others closer to God.
- Listening helps us live out the commands to love each other
Conversations are a regular venue for us to practice loving each other. Sadly, we have all been in conversations where we have left feeling misheard, unheard, devalued, or condemned. Yet conversation is also the place where we can experience compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness, and patience from others. (Col. 3:12) As a leader, you can model these virtues through the ways you listen to others. And the more you do so, the more you transform every conversation into a venue for love.
- Listening helps draw out a person’s heart
Proverbs 20:5 states that “The purposes of a man’s heart are deep waters, but a man of understanding draws them out.” In other words, the deepest parts of our hearts can be unknown to us until a wise and skilled person is able to help us surface them. As a leader, you have the privilege of drawing out the deepest parts of another person. Listening is the way you can do that. And the more you help others surface what’s in their hearts, the more they can experience healing from God and freedom in the Spirit.
Ten Principles I Keep in Mind while Listening
- I set aside my personal issues so I can be fully present with the other person.
- I seek to provide a non-anxious presence to others so they will feel safe enough to speak honestly.
- I convey respect, genuineness, and an openness to listen through my body posture and actions. I put away anything that would draw away my attention (laptop, phone, papers), turn my whole body toward the person, and provide eye contact. (Exception: if I need to take notes, I will indicate this so the other person knows what I’m doing.)
- If someone is sharing something difficult, my first job is to listen empathetically, reflecting both the content and emotion of what they are experiencing.
- I refrain from asking “Why” questions, as they can lead to confusion or defensiveness, and instead draw out more details by asking concrete questions that start with “Who”, “What”, “Where”, “When”, and “How”.
- Questions can be more powerful than statements in helping others develop new insights.
- Paying attention to the smallest details can help yield valuable insights. Word choice, change in tone, shift in body posture—all of these are key elements to notice.
- It’s more important to keep the conversation moving forward than it is for me to have the right answers. Insights can arrive through the continued development of the conversation. I don’t need to be the expert.
- It’s better for me to focus on listening rather than focusing on how I want to respond.
- I know I’m listening well when the other person has “A-ha!” moments that unlock a new way forward.
Becoming a better listener has strengthened my leadership. I have deeper connections with friends, family, and coworkers. And I have become better able to help them open their hearts to a fuller experience of God. I hope my reflections help you grow in your listening so that you can lead others to a deeper experience of the God who loves us.
Header Photo Credit: Kobu Agency