Editor’s Note: This article is part of a series called Letters to a Young English Pastor, which features open letters to a new English-speaking pastor at a multi-lingual Asian church in North America.
Dear Young Pastor,
You may have encountered this problem already. There is a small group of church members who don’t truly warm up to you the way that others do when you socialize and interact with them. To the best of your knowledge, you haven’t done anything to offend them. Here’s the reality check: They’re just happy staying within their own cliquish circles.
They are polite when they see you but the interactions are surface-level. They may even serve in a church ministry along with you, but you don’t get the “warm fuzzies” from them. You may even have gone out of your way to try to get them to open up to you—you’ve noticed that they seemed a bit “stand-offish”—all to no avail. Let me assure you that it’s not you, it’s them. Let me explain.
This situation pops up all too frequently in churches that have been in existence for a certain length of time, especially in those that have a long history. Let me share two explanations that are not mutually exclusive:
• They resist you because they do not see you as “their pastor”
• They resist the changes you wish to initiate
1. They resist you because they do not see you as “their pastor.”
Their loyalty may still lie with a previous pastor, a previous pastoral staff member, or even someone currently on the pastoral staff or in some other prime leadership position. Because of their prior experiences with these individuals and the relationships formed, they are not open to having you replace the aforementioned individuals for direction.
They have a history with these leaders. Perhaps they were helped in some way, or they served together in a common ministry. Regardless of the circumstances, ties were established, bonds were formed, and they are not willing to uproot these for the “new kid on the block.”
It is not that you are seeking to replace what they cherish. The onus is on their part. That’s why I say that it’s not you, it’s them. They’re holding on to the past. Not all church members will passively resist you the way this small circle does. The majority will not; they will be neutral at the onset of your ministry (the honeymoon period) and make an evaluation of you as things unfold. Just don’t be discouraged by these few individuals.
Some will also be reserved because of your age. As the apostle Paul wisely exhorted his disciple Timothy, “Don’t let anyone look down on you because you are young, but set an example for the believers in speech, in conduct, in love, in faith and in purity” (1 Tim. 4:12).
I’ve seen older members who have a difficult time fully accepting a much younger pastor as “their pastor.” However, some long-time and even older members can accept a younger leader warmly, especially as that pastor serves faithfully. The sheep respond to a caring and loving shepherd!
2. They resist the changes you wish to initiate.
Unless you are serving in a relatively young church, the likelihood is great that you will encounter some members who will resist your leadership. This occurs when you advocate changes that conflict with the path of the past by laying down a blueprint for the future. In fact, you might not even be promoting a drastic new idea. It could even be a minor tweak. However, it is a departure from the way things have been done in the past.
Regardless of whose assessment is more accurate, what you’re confronting is resistance to change. Churches typically are conservative institutions; congregations are slow to react to societal shifts. A general rule of thumb: The older the average age of adult members, the slower the congregation adapts to change.
Church culture can be deadly. As the adage goes, “Culture eats strategy for breakfast, lunch, and dinner.” You, young pastor, may have the best of intentions. You may have studied a particular issue diligently and poured hours and hours of blood and sweat into a carefully crafted plan. You come to the meeting with the church leaders armed with PowerPoint slides. You make impassioned and persuasive arguments to initiate changes that are of benefit to the church and will advance her long-term welfare. However, your ideas are rejected due to the existing church culture.
When church members are presented with several alternatives for change, the default is to stay with what is known rather than venture into the unknown. The status quo has carried them to this point in their history so the easiest way for them to face change is to take the path of least resistance—being passive and doing little that is different. “Let It Be” as the Beatles sang. After all, Sacred Cows Make Gourmet Burgers.
(Covid-19 is an anomaly. Because churches were ordered to shut down by the government, they had no choice except to adapt by moving to online services. They were forced to learn how to stream worship services and conduct meetings via Zoom or some other web-based platform in order to survive.)
My Advice for Dealing With the Reluctant
I’ve encountered some long-time members who were somewhat adversarial in the beginning of my ministry. This was evident by the way I was treated and the words that were spoken. In time, their tone changed and they became supportive. However, most of the handful of holdouts remained on the cool side, not hostile but distant.
My advice is to be faithful to your call and go about your ministry doing the best you can, both with those who will support you and those who are less enthusiastic. Be cordial, even friendly. “If it is possible, as far as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone” (Rom 12:18). But don’t lose sleep if they maintain their distance. Not everyone is going to like you.
In due time, there’s a chance that some of these reluctant folks may sway to your side when they see the fruit of your labor. But if they don’t, there’s little you can do about this. Don’t be discouraged. It’s them, and not you.
Young pastor, you will discover that many of those most loyal to you will turn out to be new members who came into your church because you were the pastor. They made a conscious decision to become a part of your congregation having heard you preach and teach, knowing your character and what you stand for, and having developed a relationship with you. Some may even become lifelong friends because of the impact you’ve made in their lives. Treasure these relationships and don’t be derailed by the few who remain on the sideline.