One of the reasons that gospel-centered understanding of marriage informs our dating is because we can go into our dating relationships being pretty selfish. We focus on ourselves — What does it mean to me? How does make me feel? What do we look like together? But if we have a big understanding of marriage that drives the understanding of dating, it can change everything.
Note from SOLA: This video was recorded during The SOLA Conference 2019. Below is a transcript of the video. It has been lightly edited for readability.
To understand marriage, we need to understand the Gospel. The gospel tells us that the purpose of marriage is to display the gospel. People are supposed to be able to look at the unique love between husband and wife, and it’s supposed to say something great about Christ. It’s an amazing thing that we get to be involved in this relationship, which tells something about our savior to the world.
“People are supposed to be able to look at the unique love between husband and wife, and it’s supposed to say something great about Christ.”
With this in mind, it changes what relationships are about. Often we think that life is about Jesus making our marriage great, but it’s really about our marriages making much of Jesus and who he is. And hopefully, our dating relationships can follow suit. There can be a certain gravity to them because we want to grow in love and humility and move towards wisdom, ultimately to make wise decisions that lead to a relationship that displays the gospel.
“Often we think that life is about Jesus making our marriage great, but it’s really about our marriages making much of Jesus and who he is.”
Practically speaking, one of the things this means is that if we go into a relationship being fully satisfied in Christ, finding our identity in him, then we don’t need the relationship to provide those things for us. Imagine I have everything I need in Christ — I have my identity, my security, and my joy — then I’m not seeking that in another person. This is important because other people can’t bear the weight of our soul’s happiness, and when I expect them to do that, that’s where relational problems come from — I need them to act a certain way for me to be happy. But if I’m fully satisfied in Christ, then I just get to love well and be humble.
And that’s preparing yourself a marriage where that’s you want — a marriage where you’re so satisfied in Christ that you’re free to love well and to be humble.