When I entered college, the battle of finding stillness by hiding in Christ was a discipline that had been placed on the back burner. Little did I know that the hurried footsteps, distracted minds, and fears of this world primed me for a distorted reality of how God actually designed us to live.
For many, Christian books about purpose, identity, and progress lead to self-examination and reevaluation of how we live our lives for God. However, in my youthful immaturity, reading these kinds of books motivated me to want to show others how “Christian” I was, instead of convicting me to pursue Jesus more humbly. I believed that my pride-filled words that were spoken in church settings would provide the passageway towards the praised Christian life. Displaying a “good Christian” life to others was doable for a while, but my grasp on control slipped from my hands in my late teens. I was no longer able to keep up this warped reality that I so desperately wanted to live out.
Recently, spiraling thoughts consumed me. I was no longer driven towards surrender and sacrifice; rather, the fears of what my closest friends and church family perceived of my faith drove me to despair. These endless loops of obsessive thoughts and anxious tendencies seeped into my rest, my walks, and my prayers.
My wandering and clouded mind dampened any urgency to seek God. However, I have been so blessed to walk alongside a few friends who embody an uninterrupted, soul-seeking, slow-walking faith. My housemates, in particular, were filled with a quiet stillness in the busyness of their semester. Their packed schedules and difficulty in classes seemed so overwhelming, yet their urge towards prayer and seeking the Lord behind closed doors revealed where their peace was grounded. Each time I knocked on their door, despite carrying heavy burdens, I was met with their Bibles opened and their journals filled. It was an echo of what Jesus says in John 14:27: “Peace I leave with you; my peace I give to you. Not as the world gives do I give to you. Let not your hearts be troubled, neither let them be afraid.” It was a type of Jesus-promised peace where He urged His followers to place their aching hearts in the hands of a good and perfect God.
I recently came across a book that reminded me of the truth of Jesus’ heart. From Gentle and Lowly, Dane Ortlund states, “… we are not told that he is ‘ austere and demanding in heart.’ We are not told that he is ‘exalted and dignified in heart.’ We are not even told that he is ‘joyful and generous in heart.’ Letting Jesus set the terms, his surprising claim is that he is ‘gentle and lowly in heart.’” If my intrusive thoughts were greater than the One who rescued me from death, my life would be an utter mess at all times. I am prone to wonder, prone to fear, prone to be anxious, and yet, Jesus came to rescue and bring peace even to the lowest.
Upon reflection of this season, I am so thankful for these sisters who have taught me to hide in Christ and to walk with a meek and gentle spirit that comes from the Lord. They have shown me what Jesus meant when He said, “But when you pray, go into your room and shut the door and pray to your Father who is in secret. And your Father who sees in secret will reward you.” (Matthew 6:6). These rewards that He describes contain the spirit of peace. This type of reward was not given to those who performed “Christianess”, nor was it given to those who put on a front and searched for validation. It was given to those who searched for him in private and searched for him with their whole heart. It is because of the cross, that we are guaranteed that our cries and longings will be met with His tender desperation of offering glimpses of the eternal peace that we will receive when we meet Him face to face.
Header Photo Credit: Mariam G