The words “domestic violence” and “abuse” generate powerful images in our mind of physical fights or violence. However, the reality is that discovering the presence of abuse in someone’s life is far more subtle.
Domestic abuse is defined as “an abuse of power, manifested through selfishly motivated patterns of behavior intended to exercise or maintain control over one’s partner.”
In that way, identifying domestic violence can be like putting together a 10,000-piece puzzle in which you are considering thousands of little moments and asking the right questions. It involves carefully looking at patterns of behavior, the intentions behind those patterns, and the outcomes of those patterns.
Often, it takes a friend who has known the person for a long time and who can observe negative changes in their life. The once expressive person becomes more withdrawn. The gifted artist no longer uses her skills. The writer no longer writes. As long as an oppressor is able to use their power to control another person, there will no longer be room for that person to do anything but to live for the one who is in power.
The Reality of Statistics
The truth is that each of us have people in our church who have suffered or are currently suffering as victims of domestic violence. The National Center for Injury Prevention and Control states that one in four women experience severe physical violence from an intimate partner. While it’s true that men can also be victims of domestic violence, it’s important to note that 85% are women.1 But perhaps what is most heartbreaking is that those statistics are the same both inside and outside the church.2
The Call to Help the Oppressed
Psalm 103:6 declares, “The Lord works righteousness and justice for all who are oppressed.” And Psalm 9:9 offers comfort saying, “The Lord is a stronghold for the oppressed, a stronghold in times of trouble.” If the church is going to reflect our Lord’s heart for the oppressed by advocating for victims and rescuing those in danger, we need eyes to locate the oppressed in our own churches. If they are in danger, they will likely not self-identify as victims or ask for help. Sadly, they may not even realize that they are in an oppressive relationship because they have been trained to justify the abusive actions of their spouse and to personally take the blame when there is an incident in the home.
While you might not be able to see what happens in the privacy of someone’s home, you can look for several red flags. All sin has consequences, and the consequences of domestic violence cannot be hidden for long if we know how to look. Here are a few signs to consider and some questions to ask that could help bring this sin to the light. As you examine these different signs, notice that the common bond between them is that they are subtle indicators of someone exerting control over someone else.
Sign #1 – Fear of man
Imagine you are meeting with a friend and sharing prayer requests. Your friend tells you that she has been struggling with fear of man, so you ask more about it. She says, “I just care too much about my husband’s approval. I want him to appreciate the food I make, the work I do, and the ways I serve the kids. I know part of the problem is I’m not doing enough to serve our family, but I just can’t help but feel like I’m disappointing him. I know the root problem really is my own pride that wants recognition, but please pray that I will live to please God more than my husband.” A key question to ask here is, “How does he express his disapproval?”
Sign #2 – Anger
Your friend tells you that she has been struggling with anger in her marriage. She says, “I think I’m just tired of always being wrong and my husband always being right. He always has a Bible verse and logical reason for his point of view and I just can’t ever match that. Maybe I’m just jealous. He’s a really mature Christian and it’s pretty obvious that I have a long way to go.”
Some key questions to ask could include, “Your husband is a sinner too. What does it look like for him to confess sin and be vulnerable about his weaknesses? How does he value your voice as his wife and sister in Christ? What does it look like when you disagree with your spouse?”
Sign #3 – Shame
Your friend asks you to pray that she would have a more gentle and quiet spirit in the home. From what you’ve observed, she is already humble in conversations with others so you ask her why she feels this way. She says, “My husband tells me I ask too many questions and that even when I ask, my questions just don’t make any sense. He’s so patient to endure and so loving to call me out. I wish I could ask questions like him, but it always comes out wrong. I’m really trying just to understand my weaknesses and not try to express myself too much. It is hard though, because there are so many things I’m trying to understand and I don’t know how to understand if I don’t ask questions.”
Some key questions to ask here are, “Has anyone else ever said that your questions don’t make sense? Why do you think it is that only your husband struggles with you asking questions and expressing yourself? What else does he do to make it uncomfortable for you to express yourself?”
Once you suspect that there is oppression occurring in someone’s life and can begin to see specific patterns of behavior that seek to control and isolate, it’s vital to get more information. While physically harmful actions might be more obvious expressions of domestic violence, we must ask questions to see if other sinful actions are part of a pattern of maintaining control over another person.
In her book Is It Abuse?, Darby Strickland gives questions to ask about some of the actions of a husband:
- Was this a punishment? If so, for what?
- How often does this occur?
- For how long?
- Does it accomplish something for the husband?
- What is its effect on the wife?
- How does it change the wife’s future behavior?
- Can the wife express how this is hurting her without receiving further punishment?
- Who repairs the relationship after this happens, and why?
- Does the husband display true repentance and recognition that this behavior is wrong?3
These questions help us go deeper to explore the motivation. They provide a scale to measure the intensity of abusive patterns, and they reveal the outcomes of these actions. For more help recognizing patterns of punishing behaviors where the oppressor establishes power over their victim, see this abuse inventory. Since we are looking for patterns, it’s vital to not only identify sinful actions but also to ask questions that reveal frequency (how often does it happen), duration (how long does it last), and intensity (how bad does it get). After talking with the abused friend, you should have a video in your mind of what an abusive moment looks like (e.g. where the husband is standing relative to his wife, what he’s doing with his hands, etc.).
Proverbs 31:8-9 calls us to open our mouths to advocate for the rights of those who are destitute and to defend the rights of the poor and needy. May all of us do this important work, going deeper in our relationships, and ask more questions when we see these signs. The more we work to bring this sin to the light, the more our churches will reflect our Savior’s heart and become refuges for those who are oppressed.
Additional Resources:
- See Callie Marie Rennison, Intimate Partner Violence, 1993-2001 (Washington, D.C.: U.S. Department of Justice, 2003), https://www.bjs.gov/content/pub/pdf/ipv01.pdf
- See “From Religious Leaders,” The Rave Project, accessed October 20, 2021, https://www.theraveproject.org/resources/from-religious-leaders/
- Darby Strickland, Is it abuse?: A biblical guide to identifying domestic abuse and helping victims (pp. 26). P&R Publishing.