Dear 18-year-old Char,
I still remember the day you realized you weren’t going to attend your dream college. You saw your friends move into college and live the “college life”, while you still lived at home. I remember you yelling and crying at Mama because you didn’t want to be at Cal State Fullerton anymore. I remember you questioning the goodness of God because you wondered why he would put you in a place where you thought you couldn’t find joy.
But I also remember you completing your first college math final. You smiled because you knew you finished your first semester. I remember seeing you thank God because you got straight A’s, even when you didn’t believe that you would. I remember you celebrating your 19th birthday with your friends when they came back from college. I remember the joy you felt when you were in their presence.
Char, I remember when COVID hit. I remember the feeling of being stuck at home, not being able to see your friends, not being able to go to church, not being able to eat out, not being able to study in the library. A wave of discontentment hit you, and you had to learn that contentment isn’t anchored in your circumstances. I remember you had to fight for joy again.
But Char, I also remember all the Korean recipes that you found after watching Crash Landing on You. You spent more time with Sunnie, your dog. She was full of joy because now the house was always full. I remember you picked up different hobbies such as working out, video editing, and yoga.
I remember you studying for your first actuary exam while at home. I remember the mental breakdowns you experienced. You didn’t think you would pass. I remember you telling Mama that you were going to give up. You even researched how to change concentrations so you didn’t have to be an actuary anymore. I remember you only passing half of your practice exams. I remember you feeling like you were a failure.
But Char, I remember you passing your first actuary exam in September 2020. Your hands shook when you pressed the submit button. You teared up when you saw your exam results in the testing center. I remember you starting to believe that maybe, just maybe, this is what God wanted you to do.
I remember you interviewing for actuary internships. I also remember how you felt so underqualified. You thought you wouldn’t get the summer internship at Pacific Life because you thought everyone else in the group interview was so much more qualified.
I also remember your Nationwide interview for a spring internship. You thought you failed because the interviewer asked questions that you didn’t prepare for. But you told yourself that it was okay because God will lay out his plans for you, just like how he carried you through your first actuary exam. I remember you knew he would provide you with what he wills.
Do you remember that day when you got a call from a random number while watching Netflix? You thought it was spam, but you still picked up the phone. You heard a voice saying, “I’m pleased to inform you that we’re extending the Nationwide spring internship to you…”. You threw your iPad onto the bed and sat up straight, listening and digesting every single word the recruiter said. And do you remember the day when you received an email from your summer internship opportunity that read, “I have some good news to share with you…”? Truly what a blessing, Char.
I will always remember January 11, 2021. It was your first day as an actuary intern at Nationwide!! I remember all the different projects you worked on during the few months you were there. I remember the frustrations when your code would say “Error,” but I also remember the conversations you had with coworkers, the encouragement from your manager, and the strength from God as he supported you throughout the semester.
I remember you taking your second actuary exam in February 2021. You felt those feelings of failure again. You barely had two months to study for this exam, and you didn’t pass a single practice exam—not even one. You told your community group at church that you were going to fail, but also that you knew God will do what he desires. If he wanted you to pass, you would pass.
And so you took the exam, closing your eyes when submitting it. A second later, you opened your eyes and saw the words, “Congratulations!” I remember you tearing up again and thanking God for helping you pass. He really did it again.
Char, I remember when Sunnie passed away in March 2021. I remember you waking up, walking downstairs to work out, but not hearing her little bark to let her in the house. I remember the pain you felt for the next few weeks. I remember the tears you shed every day.
I remember you asking God every single day to help you regain your strength to find joy in everyday life. You didn’t know how to make yourself whole again. You didn’t know how to make yourself feel better. But I remember with time, God mended your broken heart and filled you with his love. His faithfulness to you, Char, is what kept you going.
Char, I remember you completing that spring semester and crying tears of joy when you turned in your last final. I remember you thought to yourself, that was the most difficult semester of your life. But you did it! You finished your most difficult semester, and you did extremely well. Thank God for his provisions.
I remember you starting your summer internship at Pacific Life in May 2021. You felt nervous again as you navigated through new territory. But you met amazing people, learned about different life products, and worked on exciting projects. Soon your nervousness faded and it was replaced with respect and admiration. You realized this was where you wanted to work and grow as an actuary.
Do you remember your end-of-the-summer presentation? You were stressed and nervous for weeks because you wanted to do well. I remember that morning when you delivered your presentation with style, confidence, and eloquence. You felt relaxed and pleased after you presented. Thank God for providing you with the words to say and knowledge to share.
I remember you wondering whether or not you would get an offer as a full-time actuary at Pacific LIfe after graduating. You wondered if you would need to move away, since there aren’t too many life insurance companies around here. You wondered if you would even have a job after graduating.
Char, I remember the day you sobbed tears of joy. You were about to change the music on your phone when you got an email notification from Pacific Life’s Human Resources Department. You wondered why you had gotten a personal email, not a work email.
I remember you opening the email and reading, “I’m excited to share with you that we will be extending an offer to you…” With hands shaking and tears rolling down your face, you messaged all your friends, family, and professor with this great news. I remember you praising God because you knew that this was all by his grace and his grace alone.
Char, you got your dream job. Can you believe it? Every single event that has happened in the past three years happened for a reason. Isn’t it crazy how you are where you are today?
Dear 18-year-old Char, how would you have known that God had placed you exactly where he wanted you to be? I am truly so overjoyed because I am able to tell you that your life in college is a testament of his grace and love to you. It’s not you that made your life how it is now, but it is the Lord and Him alone.
You didn’t know that the three years at Cal State Fullerton would grow and mold you into the person you are today. You didn’t know how resilient you could be. You didn’t know that you would learn to love learning because of the actuarial science program at your school. You didn’t know that you would meet the people that guided you, encouraged you, and supported you. You didn’t know that you would be working at your dream job. You didn’t know that you would become someone that others look up to, a role model, someone that people seek for help and encouragement. You didn’t know that you would be a positive influence, a helper, a servant for others and for the Lord. You couldn’t have known any of that.
But Char, now I know. And Char, I remember.
Editor’s Note: This essay was originally published on Charlene Hao’s blog. It has been adapted and republished here with permission from the author.