As Asian Americans, we often straddle two worlds. This liminal experience between American and Eastern values often hampers our decision-making.
On the one hand, we hear messages steeped in American individualistic values: Be true to yourself. Fulfill your deepest desire. You do you. These voices might sound like common sense. We want to believe that following our desires is right. We want to make decisions that are consistent with the deepest part of ourselves. Individualism teaches us to look in.
On the other hand, Eastern values urge us to prioritize the collective rather than our individual selves: Put the family first. Consider the wishes of those we love. How will society view our people? These voices also seem right. After all, it’s noble to think of others before ourselves. We want to make our parents proud. It’s an honor to represent our group well. Collectivism teaches us to look around.
These values often conflict with one another. We find ourselves choosing between our individual desires and the priority of the group. We want to be true to ourselves, but it feels selfish to put ourselves above those around us. It can be tiring as we experience a clash of principles. How then should we make decisions?
Reordering Our Decision-Making
Trevin Wax addresses the “look in-look around” conflict. In his book Rethink Yourself: The Power of Looking Up Before Looking In (B&H Publishing, 2020), he presents a paradigm for decision-making that involves seeing yourself in relation to the world in a different way.
Wax observes that Americans make decisions in this order: look in, look around, look up. In other words, we first look inside ourselves to discover what makes us unique. By looking inside for identity, we express ourselves in the name of “authenticity.” Second, we look around to find people who celebrate and affirm us and our desires. With social media, it’s easy to find people to cheer us on. Third, some look up to add something missing in our lives: a spiritual dimension–something transcendent. This can come through meditation, prayer, or religious activities.
But the notion of following one’s desires first has deep flaws. When a person hits setbacks, he or she blames themselves and others. Sometimes one’s desires can conflict, either within ourselves or with others’ desires. Wax also points out that the “look in” way of life resists any kind of criticism: questions about our values or decisions end up being received as personal attacks–a condemnation. Also, desires can lead us astray. Anyone who has struggled with addictions can tell you that you shouldn’t always follow your desires. The question comes up: What do we do with our desires?
Wax’s next observation resonates with many Asian Americans: the priority of looking in isn’t necessarily common sense. For most people around the world, the community takes precedent over the individual. With this other-centric commitment, the concept of purpose becomes a community exercise. In other words, for the majority of cultures, the collective group–the family, tribe, nation–tells you who you are, not the other way around. For many Asian Americans familiar with Eastern values, this notion of first looking around makes sense.
But the approach of first looking around also has pitfalls. Wax writes that this value can create “stifling conformity.” The shame of failing one’s entire community can lead to despair, self-harm, and even suicide. Therefore, while looking around first is commendable, it also ultimately falls short of fulfillment.
Wax presents a different process: look up, look around, look in. This priority is what we see when we look at the Bible.
Why We Must Look Up First
As the central figure in the Scriptures, God receives the priority as the Creator and Sustainer of all things. When God created human beings, he set us apart from creation by having us bear his image. Each person has worth because we reflect our Creator. We do not define ourselves nor do others define us. We are God-defined. We have a God who claims authority over us. Therefore, we must look up before we do anything else.
The Bible also reveals that human nature is bent towards rebellion against God, prominently described as “sin.” Sin is not just breaking a rule: it’s a condition that defies God’s authority. Sin is an obstacle in our pursuit of fulfillment. Our purpose is to reflect God, and sin distorts that reflection.
Sin even deforms our desires–our hearts often lead us astray. The Bible warns against trusting our hearts (Jeremiah 17:9, Galatians 5:17). Wax points out that maturity involves evaluating our desires to determine which are worth following. After all, parents don’t always give their children everything they want because many of their desires are immature. We need an external benchmark–an objective standard, for evaluating our desires and actions. Neither American individual desires nor Asian collectivistic values can be this objective standard. This is why we need to look up before looking around and looking in.
By looking up first, we find that objective standard. Jesus challenged the “look in” approach, calling people to deny themselves and to lose their lives to find it (Matthew 10:39). When he warns that he will make all things right, it comes with the destruction of things that are wrong. This restoration of right things involves judgment. On which side of this judgment will we be?
Jesus’ death on the cross served to fix the problem of sin and judgment. Not only did he willingly die, but he also rose from the dead. Conquering death, he has ascended to be King of the universe, worthy of everyone’s allegiance. His redeeming death and resurrection provide the solution to the selfish human impulse.
Jesus also calls us to become what we were created to be: a reflection of God’s character and glory. By the power of the Spirit and the accountability of the community, those who follow Jesus are reshaped to the image of the God who created us. Following Jesus is not the denial of our desires; it is the development of a better desire. Our purpose is to fulfill the desire to love God and love others.
Following the Correct Desires
The priority of looking up adds more purpose to looking around. Deeper relationships, ones that encourage and challenge us, are found in the church. When everyone is looking up together, the church recognizes that its mission is bigger than personal fulfillment. When those who follow Jesus are honest and submit to one another, transformation can happen. Selfish desires can be reshaped.
Asian Americans might be more adept at looking around than others, but let’s follow Jesus’ call to first look up. Then, as we consider how we are defined by God (and not ourselves nor others), we can look around to build a God-centric community.
As Trevin Wax’s book points out, we were created to look up, then look around, and then look in. This is rethinking yourself.
“…you have heard about him and were taught in him, as the truth is in Jesus, to put off your old self, which belongs to your former manner of life and is corrupt through deceitful desires, and to be renewed in the spirit of your minds, and to put on the new self, created after the likeness of God in true righteousness and holiness.
(Ephesians 4:21b-24)
Disclosure: B&H Publishing provided a complimentary copy of Trevin Wax’s book for this article.