Editor’s Note: This article is part of a series called “Letters from Grandpa.” Each entry is written by Cory Ishida, the senior pastor of Evergreen Baptist Church of San Gabriel Valley until his retirement. During the pandemic, he texted devotions to his grandchildren to encourage them while they were apart. We at the SOLA Network are honored to republish Pastor Cory’s devotions in hopes that they will be a blessing to the church.
According to Dr. Gary Chapman, there are five primary love languages that people speak. These include words of affirmation, quality time, physical touch, acts of service, and receiving gifts. You can take the love language quiz to see what your love languages are.
Let’s begin with a principle regarding love languages: The way you show love is the way you feel loved, and the way you feel loved is the way you show love.
So how does this principle impact the different love languages? Let us look at each in turn.
1. Words of Affirmation
Affirmation means “emotional support or encouragement” (Oxford Dictionaries).
Words of affirmation are powerful. Proverbs 16:24 says, “Pleasant words are a honeycomb, sweet to the soul and healing to the bones.” Proverbs 25:11 states, “Like apples of gold in settings of silver is a word spoken in right circumstances.”
Words of affirmation are impactful even when it is not someone’s primary love language. They become even more influential when it is their love language.
Before my father passed away, he began coming to worship services on Sundays. One day, he told my mom that I preached as well as Billy Graham. Two things struck me about this. First, I didn’t know that my dad even knew about Billy Graham. Second, he didn’t tell me directly. My mother was the conduit of his words of affirmation. Regardless, I felt supported and encouraged by my father’s words.
My mom told me what my father said after he died, so I was never able to thank him. Some of the major regrets I have in life revolve around my father.
As a pastor, every Sunday, I tried to thank someone serving for their excellent work and enduring commitment. For some, I may have hit the sweet spot of their love language. Regardless, the Bible says that we should encourage one another.
So, be on the alert to use words of affirmation as often as possible, especially if it is the love language of the person to whom you are speaking.
2. Quality Time
Quality time means giving undivided attention to the one whose language is quality time.
Some people feel loved when they have face time with those they love. Others express their love by giving quality time to those whom they love. Regardless, quality time is a love language of presence.
There is an account in the Bible of Jesus spending time at the home of his friends, Mary and Martha in Luke 10:38-42. During his stay, Martha was busy with all of her preparations. Mary, on the other hand, “was seated at the Lord’s feet, listening to his word” (verse 39). Martha complained about her sister’s lack of help, and Jesus said to her, “Martha, Martha, you are worried and bothered about so many things; but only one thing is necessary, for Mary has chosen the good part, which shall not be taken away from her” (verses 41-42).
Mary chose the better portion. She gave her undivided attention to Jesus, which, by definition, was quality time. Jesus extolled Mary for choosing quality time over being busy with service. So, it seems as though Jesus was a believer in the importance of quality time.
May we be like Mary, not only with Jesus but with everyone we love, especially those whose language of love is quality time.
3. Receiving Gifts
One of the highlights for me during Christmas was watching our children open their gifts from us. I loved seeing their expressions of joy, and I could sense that they felt loved as they took their packages in their little hands.
I now get to experience it all over again with our grandchildren. Sometimes, I just give them a random gift. They are always so thankful and give me a warm hug that says, “Thank you, Grandpa, for loving me.”
I think almost everyone feels special and cared for when they receive a gift from someone. It may not be their primary love language, but the receiving of gifts speaks of love to just about everyone.
When my children gave me a ticket to the Super Bowl, I knew they did so because they loved me. It was an expression of love, and I received it as such.
God showed his great love for us by sending his only Son into this world to die for our sins. As it says in John 3:16, “For God so loved the world, that He gave his only begotten Son, that whoever believes in Him shall not perish, but have eternal life.” God expressed his love for us through the giving of a gift. And Jesus was a gift of love.
God intends for us to know and feel loved when we realize what Jesus did for us and accept Him as our Lord and Savior. Jesus said, “Greater love has no one than this, that one lay down his life for his friend” (John 15:13). It is apparent that Jesus wants us to know we are loved by the price He paid to express his love for us and secure our salvation.
Through Jesus’ example, we learn that the greatest gift we can ever give or receive is the gift of self. Perhaps, the best gift you can give someone whose love language is receiving gifts (aside from introducing them to Jesus), is the gift of giving yourself.
4. Acts of Service
Mark 10:45 “For even the Son of Man did not come to be served, but to serve, and to give his life a ransom for many.”
Jesus showed his love through acts of service. He showed his love by healing the blind, feeding the five thousand, and raising Lazarus from the dead.
Jesus’ decisive and definitive act of service was his death on the cross. He said in John 15:13, “Greater love has no one than this, that one lay down his life for his friends.” Jesus himself said that his death was an ultimate act of love.
One of the ways I view love is through acts of service. As my family knows, one of my love languages is food (Chapman would categorize it as an act of service). I feed people I love. I love taking the family out to dinner or barbecuing them a meal. It is my expression of love.
I think I know how my love language developed.
When I was a boy, my father took me to see the Baltimore Colts and Johnny Unitas play the Los Angeles Rams in the Los Angeles Memorial Coliseum. It was raining cats and dogs, and because of the rain, my dad parked the car in the parking lot instead of at a friend’s house near the stadium. You should know my dad didn’t like to park in the lot because it took so long to depart.
So, after the game, instead of fighting the parking lot traffic, my dad bought me a hamburger, French fries, and a root beer. We sat in the car and ate our sumptuous repast. It was one of those moments that I felt loved and cared for by my father. I believe it influenced me greatly.
My mother also loved to cook for our family. I am sure it was her love language.
I really appreciate it when your grandma makes me fresh peach pie, when Tiffany always cooks something special for me on Thursday nights, when Sunday makes me alligator cookies, and when Bethany gives me my favorite snacks on my birthday and Christmas.
I am so grateful that I always feel loved by everyone in my family. Thank you all!
5. Physical (or Significant) Touch
Genesis 48:14 “But Israel stretched out his right hand and laid it on the head of Ephraim, who was the younger, and his left hand on Manasseh’s head, crossing his hands, although Manasseh was the firstborn.”
One of the more significant things a patriarch could do for his family was to bless them. Part of the blessing included a physical touch. When Israel saw Joseph’s sons, he expressed his love for them with a kiss, an embrace, and a hand on the head of his grandson.
Love can be expressed through some kind of significant touch… a kiss, a hug, a hand of blessing to the head. Some people feel loved when they receive a significant touch. Some people express love with a significant touch.
Let’s go back to when my father took me to the rainy Rams vs. Colts game. My mom was reluctant to let me go due to the inclement weather, but she let me go with my dad on one condition: I had to wear my yellow rain pants and jacket that every elementary child had in those days. I also wore my rain boots and poncho. I was prepared for a hurricane.
Every once and a while, during the course of the game, my dad would reach over to make sure I was snug and dry. In order to do so, he had to touch me. To this day, I remember those touches from my father. I felt loved and cared for by him. It was one of the most significant moments with my dad.
A significant touch can go a long way in expressing love. For some, it is their love language. Your grandma and I made it a point to touch our daughters on the forehead every night as we blessed them before they went to sleep. It was our regular significant touch given with love and devotion. It was one of my favorite things to do because it was always a tender moment that carried with it a blessing from the Lord.
Read more of the “Letters from Grandpa” series.