We always live better when we are surrounded by a community that loves us and walks with us down the path of wisdom. However, building that type of personal community can be a challenge. You may even have experienced some of those challenges yourself.
For example, you decided to be vulnerable with a friend, only to be met with snap judgments, silence, or harsh rebukes, resulting in shame, fear, and loss of trust. Or perhaps you were the one listening, and as your friend shared about a difficult marriage, a rebellious child, a serious diagnosis, or a habitual sin, you felt incredibly intimidated and left wondering how to be a faithful friend at that moment.
The hope of this article is to provide some clear, biblical guidance on how to approach one another in humility and honesty, knowing that our main hope is to depend primarily on Christ, not on each other.
Defining Accountability
At our church, we define accountability in this way: Church relationships that know one another fully and point each other to Christ by mutually loving one another as sufferers, sinners, and saints. That definition might sound like something every friendship should do, but it is not so.
Not every friend will know (or should know) everything about you. Not every friend has the freedom to ask hard questions and check your heart. It’s true that every friendship in your church should encourage, comfort, and speak truth into your life (1 Thess. 5:14), but each of us also needs certain friends who know everything about us—people we trust will love us enough to understand our hearts, bear our burdens, warn us of the dangers of our sin, and compassionately walk with us toward Christ.
Choosing a Partner
When we open ourselves for accountability, we are giving trusted friends in the church family a window into our hearts and lives and granting them permission to ask the hard questions and tell us what they see. This takes incredible humility. Rather than processing your life on your own, you are asking a member of the body of Christ to consider your life with you. This invitation says, “I cannot do this on my own. I need help to see myself rightly.”
Galatians 6:1-2 describes the type of person who is qualified to bear burdens and come alongside us. The helper must have spiritual maturity, gentleness, and awareness of temptations that he or she might face.
If you’ve ever moved to a new home, think about the types of people that you’ve asked to help you. They would likely be people that you believe are gentle enough to handle your fragile belongings carefully, mature enough to help you shoulder heavy objects, and self-aware enough not to endanger themselves while trying to help you. These are the friends that we must seek to invite as consistent helpers into our lives. As Proverbs 13:20 states, “Whoever walks with the wise becomes wise, but the companion of fools will suffer harm.”
Another passage that describes the great care and tender touch necessary for accountability is Matthew 7:1-5. Robert Chapman, referring to this passage, talks about the skill and tenderness that must be displayed in removing a speck from a brother or sister’s eye. He states, “Who would trust so precious a member as the eye to a rough, unskillful hand?”
Through the simple invitation of accountability, we make a statement about the Christlike character of a friend. This invitation honors others in saying, “I have seen Christ in you. I trust that you will point me to my Savior. I trust that you will help remove the speck from my eye with a tender touch.”
We don’t know specifically what a person will say when we are transparent about the most troubling parts of our lives. Yet, while there is no guarantee that your sharing will be met with wisdom and love, it is wise to consider whom you share with carefully. Remember you are opening up about your heart in order to invite help, not simply to tell a story.
Before committing to an accountability relationship, it’s important to observe their maturity and wisdom. Start by sharing prayer requests or asking them to check your heart on more common topics (e.g., an everyday worry or concern). If those details are met with wise care, then move toward sharing more personal troubles (e.g., intense suffering from your past, a sin struggle where you feel a great deal of shame or a major decision that you need to make). As your friends respond to more significant burdens with wisdom, love, and humility, it will encourage you to go deeper with one another until you fully know each other and know how to direct each other toward Christ.
Mutual Sharing
Now that we’ve talked about what accountability is and who we can consider doing this with, let’s talk about what it might actually look like. Before you meet, prepare to share by reflecting on yourself as a sufferer, sinner, and saint. We are sufferers who face hard things in this life (John 16:33), we are sinners who wrestle with ongoing sins and temptations (1 John 1:8), and by God’s grace, we are saints in Christ whose lives display the fruit of the Spirit and God’s grace (Gal 2:20).
In accountability, all three dimensions of sufferer, sinner, and saint are vital to share together to build a relationship of mutual understanding and spiritual care. Here are some categories and reflection questions to help you observe them in someone else’s life:
- Situation – What recurring situations are they facing? What significant event(s) have occurred? What temptations have they faced in those situations? (1Cor 10:13)
- Intention – What does their heart long for or fear in those situations? (James 4:1-2)
- Action – What particular works of the flesh or fruit of the Spirit do they display? (Gal 5:19-23)
- Outcome – What consequences come as a result of their actions? (Gal 6:7-8)
- Reflection – How do they remember, interpret, and think about it now? (Deut 8:2)
- Relationship – How am I equipped to love them wisely and what questions do I need to recommend they discuss with someone else? (1Thess 5:14)
As you reflect on these questions, you will begin to have a picture of someone’s life and know what works of God’s grace to affirm and celebrate with them (saint), what significant sufferings to make room for and lament (sufferer), and what sin struggles to acknowledge and help them address before the Lord (sinner).
It’s important to prepare for these times of fellowship, but we also must accept that vulnerability always involves risks. Even friends who have proven themselves to be trustworthy and mature in Christ can fail to respond with wisdom to your disclosures.
Jesus Himself gave us an example of vulnerability. On the night before He was crucified, He openly shared with His close friends, Peter, James, and John, “My soul is very sorrowful, even to death” (Mark 14:34). He even tells them how to partner with Him: “Watch and pray.” Yet what did they do? They fell asleep!
Sharing your life is not primarily about safety and receiving the proper response. People might fail to love you as you hoped but don’t give up or look for a new community. Give them honest feedback about the ways you would like specific help, and trust that God will use that moment to deepen the love in your relationship.
We all need relationships of care that love us wisely and personally. As we take steps to invite accountability, may our churches be filled with deeper, gospel-shaped friendships that know one another personally and faithfully run together toward Christ (Heb 12:1-2).
Reflection Questions:
- How have you tried to build accountability and deepen your community within your church?
- Who has modeled wise accountability for you?