“Hey, can we talk?”
My heart sank as I received that text message from a church member. Immediately, my mind went racing towards a dozen possibilities as to what those cryptic words could mean. Did they have questions about a theological issue? Were they wrestling through a difficult life circumstance? Were they dealing with a relational conflict?
All these thoughts ran through my head, but in the back of my mind, I knew it was probably one thing.
Sure enough, over coffee and with some awkward pauses, this long-standing church member announced to me that they would no longer be attending the church. They were moving on. Final decision.
Inevitable Experience
Scenarios like this have played out countless times for pastors in local churches. Of course, the underlying reasons for leaving the church vary: a new job, relational conflict, disagreement with the vision, feelings of discontentment. And of course, each scenario is unique. Sometimes there are tears, sometimes laughter. Sometimes it happens in coffee shops, sometimes in the church lobby. Sometimes the conversation is long, and sometimes the conversation never even happens. But regardless of the form it takes, people leaving the church is not a question of if, but when.
During a recent monthly meeting for our pastors’ cohort, we discussed how to process people leaving our churches. Of the ten lead pastors who were present, every single person had experienced the pain of saying goodbye.
Given the inevitability of this experience, we wanted to share some words of encouragement and wisdom gleaned from our cohort’s discussion. May it serve fellow pastors and ministry leaders who are called to faithfully shepherd the flock that Christ has entrusted to them, even when their sheep move on to different pastures.
Processing Your Pain
While it may not always be personal, when someone leaves the church, it will always feel personal. Here are some insights for processing your pain:
- Draw near to Jesus. He knows firsthand what it feels like to be disappointed and even betrayed by people leaving him (Matthew 26:36–56). As a result, he is well acquainted with our grief and can sympathize with our weaknesses. As you hold on to others lightly, hold on to Jesus tightly.
- Recognize that feeling hurt is not only normal (i.e., a part of being human), but it’s also one of the marks of a good pastor. A good pastor will care when people leave. A good pastor will feel some heartache when they see old pictures filled with people who are no longer at their church. Don’t beat yourself up because you feel hurt or disappointed when people leave.
- Don’t ignore your grief, but process it. Acknowledge that you are feeling hurt and know that grief doesn’t have an expiration date. In processing your grief, talk with people who are able to handle your pains without stumbling. It can be helpful to talk with seasoned pastors outside your church context, as well as trained counselors and therapists, to process what you’re feeling.
- Where relevant and necessary, extend forgiveness and ask for forgiveness. Intentionally release your hurts to the Lord, let go of the desire to seek vindication, and pray for God’s blessings over those who have left. And where possible and needed, pursue reconciliation.
- Recognize that God is graciously carrying out his work of sanctification in you. There are things in your heart that need to be pruned. Humbly submit to God’s gracious work as you remember that God is sovereign over the situation, which includes not just the member who is leaving but also you.
Helping People Leave Well
As difficult as it can be for pastors and ministry leaders to see people leave, it can also be difficult for those very people who are leaving. Here are some insights for helping people to leave well:
- Don’t burn bridges, but leave the door open. As appropriate to do so, follow up with people even after they have left to see how they are doing. Offer your care, encouragement, and prayers as they navigate the transitions they are facing.
- If the member is willing, conduct an exit interview. These interviews can be useful to help them transition well and to help you see if there are weaknesses to address in your leadership or in the church’s ministry.
- Help them connect with another healthy local church. Tap into your network or look up churches in the area in order to provide a list of recommended churches. It can feel overwhelming for someone to even know which churches to visit. Related to this, don’t give in to bitterness or jealousy towards those other churches that former members are now attending. Pray for God’s grace upon those churches to faithfully carry out fruitful ministry.
- Recognize that when someone who was deeply connected to the church leaves, their departure can really shake up the church. Don’t just carry on with business as usual, but address their departure as appropriate to do so, and provide space for people to process.
- If possible, send people off openly. Celebrate God’s work of grace in their lives and give thanks to God for the opportunity to have shared life and done ministry together. Pray for them and bless them as they move on.
Faithful Undershepherds
Everyone will eventually leave one day, whether of their own volition or because the Lord calls them home, including pastors. Jesus alone is the Chief Shepherd. Our calling is to shepherd the people Jesus has entrusted to our care for that limited season. May we faithfully carry out what our Chief Shepherd has called us to as his undershepherds!
Editor’s Note: Applications are open for the 2026 SOLA Ministry Cohorts—a yearlong journey for pastors and ministry leaders to grow together in gospel health and leadership. Through monthly gatherings and guided peer learning, participants will be equipped, encouraged, and connected with others serving the emerging generation of Asian Americans and beyond.
Cohorts available: Lead Pastors, Associate/Assistant Pastors, Youth Pastors, and Children’s Pastors. We’re also open to launching cohorts for College Pastors and Women in Ministry if there’s enough interest.
Apply by December 15, 2025:https://sola.network/ministry-leader-cohort/
This article is part of the Leaders’ Line blog, written by various leaders and geared specifically toward those serving in leadership. Our email newsletter goes out twice a month. In addition to Leaders’ Line articles, each newsletter includes news and notes curated especially for ministry leaders. Sign up here to receive it directly in your inbox.