The following article is a part of the new Parenting series that will run for the next several weeks.
Teenagers don’t like to talk…until they do.
Most teens, especially boys, give grunts and one-word answers when asked about their day. Yet the art of conversing with teens is a bit like talking with an AI bot: Much depends on user input.
So, what can you do to encourage conversation with your teen? Here are some ideas I’m still experimenting with myself.
1. First, discover what they like
Explore their interests—not because it appeals to you, but because you want to know your child. Venture into the realm of pop music, video games, and social media sensations. Get to know their friends. Spend money on activities they like to do. Then, introduce them to foods that you love or books and games as well. Find commonalities. Families who share their joys have increased joy together.
2. Second, ask better questions
You might start with yes-no questions to prime the pump, but move into open-ended ones which invite response: “What was the best thing that happened to you today? If you could do that over again, what would you change?” I’ve found it helpful to be consistent. So, every dinner, I ask our kids to all share one thing they learned in school. Good questions show that you are curious about their life.
3. Yet like a flower, give them time to open up
This usually happens in that magic moment when the hour hand strikes and you turn into a pumpkin. But if you can pry your eyelids open for just a season, you might gain entry into your child’s heart. I meet with each son once a week, providing space for them to talk. And then, I wait. Some conversations lead to nothing, but others touch eternity.
4. Also, be a listener, not a lecturer
If your teen thinks that every conversation ends in criticism or more for them to do, they won’t reveal as much the next time. They don’t need to always know you dislike their music or plan to nag them about chores. Sometimes, they simply want your ear and not your expertise. You should set expectations, of course, like nixing cellphones at the table and earbuds during conversation. Yet we can all be better listeners.
5. Most importantly, look for what Paul Tripp calls “doors of opportunity”: insecurity, rebellion, and a widening world (22-27)
- Almost every teen deals with insecurity (How do I look? What do people think of me? What’s right and wrong in my given situation?). They welcome guidance from wise and loving parents when they’re scared.
- Yet teens also struggle with rebellion. They want independence without responsibility. They question rules and disobey. Be ready to speak the truth with grace—to know when mercy is the need of the moment versus loving discipline. Teenage rebellion gives you opportunities to ask, “So, what were you thinking at the time?”
- Lastly, teens are experiencing an ever-widening world. They are learning and growing with each day’s new discovery. You may have forgotten over time such small delights, but parenting your teen reminds you that God’s world is wonderful and wild. Celebrate their first roller coaster, first job, first date, their Christian baptism, and so forth. Take this adventure with your teen and enjoy the journey.
Finally, don’t give up. You and your child were created by God to communicate. That’s why he gave you ears and vocal chords and minds that wrestle with the complexities of life. This means your child was designed by God to talk with you. So, don’t give up. Be patient in your parenting whether you feel in the season or out (2 Tim 4:2).
* This post is my reflection on Paul Tripp’s helpful book, Age of Opportunity: A Biblical Guide to Parenting Teens (Phillipsburg, NJ: P&R Publishing, 2001).
Editor’s Note: This piece was originally published on Tom’s blog. It has been republished here with permission from the author.