Editor’s Note: This is the second essay by Thomas Hwang, SOLA Editorial Board member, on spiritual abuse. Read the previous essay here.
Previously, I wrote about the problem of spiritual abuse and how churches need to talk about this more. That’s because spiritual abuse takes place far more often than people think. By definition, spiritual abuse takes place when a spiritual leader wields his/her authority in a way that domineers, manipulates, and bullies people in their congregation. What makes spiritual abuse so dangerous is that it’s hidden under the guise of spiritual language and often damages people’s relationship with God and the church.
But if spiritual abuse is so pervasive, why don’t people do something about it? I mean, if people see leaders acting spiritually abusive, why don’t they call it out more often?
For example, spiritually abusive situations in Mars Hill (Mark Driscoll), RZIM (Ravi Zacharias), and Hillsong (Carl Lentz) did not come out of nowhere. In each of these situations, people on the inside knew bad things were happening. After all, when you read the stories, so many staff members and leaders point to a toxic leadership culture that developed over the years.
While a lot has been written about why leaders become spiritually abusive (e.g., narcissism, broken past, etc.), why do churches seem to allow for such spiritual abuse to take place? Why don’t more leaders and members call out their spiritually abusive leaders? Well, it’s more difficult and complicated than you think. Here are some reasons why.
1. Leaders Slowly Turn Spiritually Abusive
Most pastors don’t come to church as a spiritually abusive leader. They turn spiritually abusive. In his book Lead, author Paul Tripp argues that in a lifetime of ministry, it’s important to realize that leaders change. Over the years of ministry, pastors (especially lead pastors) will go through a range of different experiences. They experience ministry failures; they receive constant criticism; they witness painful departures.
And here’s the thing—these experiences will change a pastor.
While some pastors will change for the better, other pastors will change for the worse. But no matter what, these experiences will change him, and these changes will rarely take place overnight. Rather, as Tripp observes, “[T]hey happen in bits and pieces over a period of years.”
The problem, though, is that most people won’t ever realize this. Everyone presumes their pastor will always be the same faithful guy they met when they first attended his church. And since his change happens slowly over time, nobody will notice just how spiritually unhealthy he’s become over the years. This leads to the second problem.
2. Benefit of the Doubt Syndrome
Because pastors weren’t always unhealthy or spiritually abusive, they’ve likely built up years and years of social credibility with their staff and congregation. Therefore, when that pastor starts to do wonky things, you can’t help but make excuses for him. “Ah, he’s just going through a rough time.” “That sermon was weird, but he means well.” “I’m sure someone is keeping him accountable.”
In other words, people often interpret a spiritual leader’s behavior by always giving them the benefit of the doubt.
Don’t get me wrong: this is usually a good thing. There’s something wrong if say my wife is out late at night and I immediately conclude she’s having an affair. My wife likely built enough credibility with me where that’s not my first conclusion—and this is probably a healthy perspective. Same with pastors. They’ve often built enough credibility that people can’t help but interpret their actions in the most charitable light—and this is probably a healthy perspective.
But the problem is when a spiritual leader is hurting a lot of folks, but people are still giving him the benefit of the doubt. “There’s two sides to every story.” “I feel so bad for him.” “He just needs a break.”
Why do people do this? It’s because the pastor has built up so much credibility that you almost don’t want to believe he’s doing bad things. So rather than empathizing with his victims, people end up empathizing with their spiritually abusive leader.
3. The Problem of Grooming
Do you ever wonder why people who are closest to a spiritually abusive pastor are often their most staunch defenders? Why are those who seem most capable of addressing spiritual abuse end up being the most complicit? Oftentimes it’s because they’ve experienced what psychologists refer to as “grooming.” Grooming is when someone in authority builds a relationship, trust, and emotional connection with a person to manipulate, exploit, and abuse them. I’m not saying this always happens intentionally, but pastors often “groom” fellow leaders and members through years of relational investment.
What are some ways spiritual leaders “groom” people? Two of the most common signs are flattery and alliances. Flattery often takes place when a spiritual leader constantly notices something special about you. He seems to always point out how gifted you are or how much leadership potential you have. Even though the compliments are exaggerated, you want to believe them because you feel empowered by them. This creates a sense of gratitude and loyalty towards that leader.
Alliances take place when a spiritual leader makes you believe you have a special place in his life. “Man, we get each other.” “You’re the only real friend I have in the church.” “You’re the only person who has my back.” This makes you feel like you have a special, unique connection that creates a sense of loyalty to this leader. Therefore, you feel obligated to defend him against all detractors and critics because nobody understands him except for you.
I’m not saying every compliment a pastor gives you should be seen as “grooming.” Affirmation is great to receive from a spiritual leader. But when it’s frequent and over-the-top, it will sometimes feel like a person is under a spiritual leader’s “spell.” He makes you feel special in his life, so he becomes special in your life. Therefore, it’s hard to see his spiritual abuse for what it is.
4. Spiritually Abusive Leaders Are Often Spiritually Gifted
Spiritually abusive leaders are almost always super-gifted. If they weren’t, nobody would tolerate their abuse. And this is the problem: we tend to equate spiritual gifts with spiritual maturity. Therefore, when a pastor is preaching amazing sermons or is leading a vibrant church, it’s difficult for people to imagine that he can also be spiritually abusive. I mean, how can God use someone so bad to do such good for His kingdom?
But this is what we see God doing all the time. He uses the weak and foolish things to shame to accomplish His purposes (1 Cor 1:27-29); He uses what people mean for evil to accomplish something good (Gen 50:20). From Judah and King David to Bill Hybels and Ravi Zacharias, God constantly uses bad leaders to advance His kingdom.
However, we often struggle to see this and tend to think a leader’s spiritual gifts and accomplishments justify their behavior. I mean, who are we to speak out against someone God is using so mightily? But even though Tamar called out Judah (Gen 38:25), Nathan called out David (2 Sam 12:1-15), and brave victims called out Hybels and Zacharias, people in church leadership often have a difficult time doing the same.
5. Broken Systems/Unclear Protocols
Imagine if you see you’re a staff member or volunteer and you see your boss act in a spiritually abusive way. What are you supposed to do? What is the protocol?
Unfortunately, most staff and church members don’t know. Unless your local church has a clear constitution/by-laws that address this issue, it will likely be a hazy, messy process that often protects the leaders and silences the victims. That’s because, in a culture where the lead pastor wields so much authority and is surrounded by elders/leaders who have been groomed, it’s difficult to know how to approach this situation.
This isn’t to say that it’s impossible. I believe in the biblical process of Matthew 18:15-20 and 1 Tim 5:19. But oftentimes, people don’t know how to apply these biblical principles in abusive situations. Plus, nobody wants to be “that guy/girl” who’s causing problems in the church. Therefore, what often happens is that a person will stay silent, act as a passive staff/member, and then quietly leave the church under the pretense of “a greater calling” to a different church.
Conclusion
I’m sure there are other reasons why so many spiritual leaders continue to practice spiritual abuse in their churches. But I hope the few I mentioned can give a glimpse of why it’s often difficult for people to do anything about it. The context makes it difficult, the relational ties make people biased, and the stakes are often very high.
But I hope people and churches can grow more aware of this category of abuse so that they know how to recognize it, create protocols to deal with it, and gain the courage to confront it. As mentioned last week, the church is not a secular institution or business but the very place God has instituted safety, healing, and security.
May God’s people and leaders help make this a reality.
Editor’s Note: This essay was originally published on Tom Talks on June 9, 2021. It has been republished here with light editing with permission from the author.