Several recent, high-profile cases of spiritual abuse in my denomination have left many of us pastors feeling uneasy. If those leaders can be guilty of spiritual abuse, what’s to say more of us aren’t headed in the same direction? Is it possible to recognize abusive-ish behavior before it’s too late?
Then it occurred to me. I was watching a Netflix documentary about cults in South Korea when I realized the abusive patterns in cults are prevalent in “healthy” churches all around us but in subtle, less severe forms. Consequently, it dawned on me that spiritual abuse operates less like an on-off power switch and more like a dimmer switch.
Indeed, if spiritual abuse is reframed as a matter of degree from subtle to severe, then far more of us have spiritually abusive tendencies than we’d like to admit. If left unaddressed, many of our respective ministries are potentially ticking time bombs for scandal, disqualification, and moral failure.
Defining Spiritual Abuse
According to Michael Kruger, spiritual abuse “is when a spiritual leader—such as a pastor, elder, or head of a Christian organization—wields his position of spiritual authority in such a way that he manipulates, domineers, bullies, and intimidates those under him, as a means of accomplishing what he takes to be biblical and/or spiritual goals.”
But not all spiritually abusive tendencies are as recognizable, nor is it (dare I say) technically wrong. For example, spiritual leaders frequently have to make tough leadership decisions that may hurt feelings or disappoint others. As such, it would be inappropriate to characterize all such decisions as spiritual abuse. Yet, the repeated presence of multiple abusive-ish tendencies, as listed below under “red flags,” could reveal something far worse than what appears on the surface and should compel us to take an inventory of our leadership practices and norms.
Partiality over Radical Inclusivity
There are times when spiritual leaders need to select and invest in certain members based on their character, availability, and faithfulness, especially when it concerns raising new leaders. However, spiritually abusive leaders distort this practice by showing strong preference for the wealthy, the powerful, and the neurotypical (people without neurodivergent conditions like ADHD, autism, dyslexia, etc.)—a practice emphatically condemned in James 2. They consciously overlook those who are needy, difficult, draining, or awkward out of a desire to preserve their status of comfort and/or power.
Typically, this type of behavior doesn’t appear abusive in and of itself (though it’s arguably unwise and perhaps even sinful in other ways), but it does raise red flags about one’s leadership practices and ministry culture, often manifesting in subtle forms of spiritual abuse. Indeed, the more these red flag behaviors are present, the greater the likelihood spiritual abuse is occurring:
- When senior pastors delegate all hospital visits and weddings to their assistant pastors because they have more “important” ministry work to do.
- When ministry leaders refuse to build friendships across ideological or tribal lines.
- When ministry leaders demonstrate preference for spending time with politicians (or other powerful, wealthy people) over serving their neighborhood poor.
- When ministry leaders demonstrate preference for eyewitness accounts of men over eyewitness accounts of women and children, particularly in patriarchal communities.
- When ministry leaders demonstrate preference for the majority culture while ignoring the minority cultures within their sphere of ecclesiological influence.
- When ministry leaders find opportunities for judgment even when there isn’t a sin issue out of a desire to demonstrate preferential difference.
Personality/Institutional Branding over Kingdom Expansion
Similar to the need to show preference at times, personality or institutional branding isn’t wrong in and of itself. After all, book endorsements by respected authors and denominational affiliations are a form of personality and institutional branding. Yet, such ministry approaches can quickly take an abusive turn when Kingdom expansion gets overlooked due to narcissistic leadership.
In these toxic contexts, ministry leaders tend to value loyalty over truth, submissiveness over genuine humility, and personality/institutional branding over Kingdom expansion. Take note of how leaders treat or talk about their critics: Do they follow our Savior in wanting restoration with friends that let them down, or is there no room for restoration?
“Betrayal” is an unforgivable sin to an abusive leader. Abusive leaders tend to build a culture of either shunning or threatening those who speak up or leave their community (so that the fear of isolation prevents one from speaking up or leaving). Non-disclosure agreements are usually weaponized for such purposes.
Other red flags for potential spiritual abuse brewing in narcissistic contexts include the following:
- When ministry leaders view other orthodox ministries as competition rather than allies.
- When ministry leaders are more concerned about their brand or territorial claims than Kingdom expansion in their respective neighborhoods.
- When ministry leaders are incapable of extending mercy toward detractors.
- When ministry leaders rarely confess their mistakes and failures while frequently critiquing others.
- When ministry leaders cast judgment upon judgment for a sin issue rather than grace upon grace, inflicting secondary wounds upon those who are already suffering from the consequences of their sins.
Strong Leadership versus Apostolic Leadership
Whether they’re bishops, senior pastors, moderators, parachurch leaders, or serial church planters, there are legitimate cases for “apostolic” leadership (“a leader amongst leaders”) in this day and age. True apostolic leadership requires availability, great effort to reach across the aisle, and unbiased investment into those within your sphere of ecclesiological influence.
Spiritually abusive leaders will often platform themselves as apostolic leaders, which can be confusing to those serving under them. Spiritually abusive leaders tend to use their platform to delineate those who are “in” from those who are “out.” Unsuspecting believers are usually drawn to these leaders for their “strong” leadership.
During instances of “apostolic” spiritual abuse, it’s often the case that the least emotionally-intelligent person (i.e., the abuser) thinks they’re the most emotionally-intelligent person in the room. What’s worse is that those around them often believe them in their claims. But emotional awareness should never be confused with emotional self-awareness. Ministry leaders who can read a room are often the most prone to committing spiritual abuse and skilled at manipulation (oftentimes without them even realizing it).
Other red flags for potential spiritual abuse brewing in “apostolic” contexts include the following:
- When ministry leaders give a pass to other leaders who speak about individual church members in ways that they would never speak about them to their face.
- When ministry leaders believe they have “made it” in some area of spiritual growth (whether emotional awareness, cultural awareness, or theological certainty) in comparison to other leaders, resulting in judging other leaders or servants as being inferior.
- When ministry leaders label anyone not in their theological tribe as preaching “another gospel.”
My hope in writing this article isn’t for us to point fingers at our ministry leaders for displaying the red flags of potentially abusive behavior. I’m of the opinion that far too many of us are simply unaware of the abusive-ish tendencies that have become the norm in many Christian contexts (i.e., we don’t know what we don’t know).
But by recognizing the ways we’re guilty of potentially demonstrating spiritually abusive behavior, I pray that we’ll be quick to repent and reconcile where necessary, take a break from ministry work if appropriate, and invite greater scrutiny over the way we steward our ministries and lead our flock.
As John Frame once wrote, “Restore, reprove, rebuke; but don’t let the gentleness of Jesus ever be lost…Maybe you love people, but you don’t know how to correct them in a truly gentle way, without harshness, without hurting. If so, find someone who can serve as a model and teacher for you in this area; it is tremendously important. And, for the sake of our Lord Jesus Christ and for the love of his sheep, stay out of the pastorate until you have learned.”