Recently there’s been a lot written about the hurt and pain caused by the statements made by John MacArthur at the Truth Matters Conference when he dismissively told Beth Moore to, “Go home.” (You can read the details here.) Like so many others, I was also bothered not only by his comments but the mocking laughter and applause from the audience. As many people have pointed out, it revealed an unhealthy, presumptuous culture that seems to permeate a lot of self-professing complementarian churches.
One particular response though, was insightfully titled “A Letter to My Complementarian Brothers,” written by Soojin Park. I do not know this sister, but her open letter was honest, humble, and thought-provoking. As a male pastor of a local church, it helped me better understand what Christian women experience in a congregation that often presupposes a complementarian theology. While I am a complementarian and have written about this subject several times, I feel like I received a fresh perspective on how people – particularly women – experience such environments.
That being said, I wanted to attempt a humble response to her as well as any woman who may have resonated with what Park wrote. I know this is a risky endeavor and that my words may unintentionally come off as insensitive, tone-deaf, or, worst of all, as mansplaining.
But I’m imagining what I’d say to anyone in my own congregation who would raise similar concerns to me. So here are three responses that I’d hope to offer to my complementarian sisters.
1. I’m No Longer Assuming That It’s Easy For Women to be Complementarians
There are so many great things written in Park’s letter. However, the one that stood out most to me was the simple yet straight-forward plea she makes: “Please don’t take it for granted that the women in your church should easily and quickly subscribe to your interpretation of complementarianism just because you see it as biblical.”
I must confess that this is probably something that most of us male pastors take for granted. After all, we were trained in seminary to “shepherd the flock of God” (1 Peter 5:2) by preaching the word “in season and out of season” (2 Tim 4:2). And in this cultural moment, it seems to be “out of season” to teach on the distinctive gender roles that God seems to prescribe. Therefore, if complementarianism is biblical but threatened, I think a lot of us pastors automatically see it as something that needs to be defended and protected.
Admittedly, I think I’ve approached the subject this way in the past. I’d often talk about complementarianism at a theoretical level. If women had issues with what the Bible seemed to say about gender roles, I felt like my primary job was to show the scriptures and explain how it made sense. But doctrine is never meant to be left at the theoretical level. It’s always supposed to be personal. And as Park helpfully pointed out, I think women view this topic personally because of what they go through on a daily basis.
As other sisters in my church have told me, I will never understand what it feels like to be gawked at on a regular basis. I am statistically far less likely to experience sexual assault or harassment in the workplace. I’ve never felt dismissed or questioned at church due to my gender. And I’ve always felt if you don’t know much about something, you should always be humble and sensitive when talking about it.
One experience that helped me begin to understand what women go through at church when I spend time with Christians and pastors outside of my church context. As an Asian American, I’m quite often one of the few minorities in the room. I’ve felt marginalized, dismissed, and unheard in such settings. I feel like I have to prove myself to them that I’m legit. I naturally have my guard up when I hear white leaders talking about multiethnic churches because I see it being under their terms. I feel a lot of white pastors come off tone-deaf when it comes to racial issues.
But I realize this is probably what Christian women go through all the time. Women are sadly marginalized, dismissed, and unheard by men in the church. They’re often the only woman in a leadership team filled with men. They understandably have their guard up when they hear a man talk about gender roles. And I’m sure a lot of men come off as tone-deaf when they do address it.
So one of the biggest takeaways I’ve had is to realize the difficulties women experience regarding this topic and trying to create spaces for genuine dialogue. Rather than presuming this topic upon people, I think the gospel requires us to meet people where they are and journey with them with love and grace. There are many commands in the Bible that I have a hard time understanding and submitting to. I hope I can better understand the challenges women have with this one.
2. Help Us Men By Using Your Strengths
Another great point that Park pointed out is that when complementarians teach on gender roles, it’s often focused on what women aren’t allowed to do. Even though pastors always begin with highlighting the equal value and worth men and women have, for some reason, we tend to emphasize the distinctions and limitations of women. In our desire to protect orthodoxy, I think we end up relegating rather than celebrating the strengths God gives to women.
From the beginning, women have been given the title “helper.” Even though our modern culture sees this term in a derogatory sense, the Hebrew (“ezer”) is actually an empowering word. In the Old Testament, God frequently describes Himself as Israel’s “ezer” (Exodus 18:4; Psalm 33:20; 70:5) because He is able to do something that Israel could not do for themselves.
Similarly, when God designed women as “helpers,” this means they have attributes and strengths that men do not have but desperately need to flourish in both the home and in the church.
But a lot of men (myself included) don’t fully understand this. Like our fellow sisters, most men have grown up in a context where we’re influenced by chauvinistic leaders, sexist peers, and emotionally distant fathers. Many of us were taught to objectify women. Very few of us were taught what it means to understand, let alone respect women. In fact, more and more of us don’t even understand what it means to be a man.
This must be understandably frustrating for women. “Why can’t men just get it?” While Park’s article is super-gracious to dummies like us, I think this is sadly the exception. Quite often, women fall into the trap of becoming overly critical and angry towards men and ironically dismissing them in the same way they’ve been dismissed. And I call it a trap because it’s falling into the curse of the Fall (Gen 3:16), where rather than complementing one another, men and women are in conflict with one another.
But this is where I humbly ask my complementarian sisters for grace because I think men don’t know how to approach this subject in the church. We don’t want to be labeled a sexist or chauvinist, so we don’t talk about it. We don’t want our words to get picked apart, so we stay silent. I know personally, I feel like the only way I can publicly speak on this matter is not when I have a Bible in my hand but if I have a woman by my side.
While men probably deserve criticism, we actually need help. Men lack many things that women have, but in this cultural moment, it seems like one glaring weakness is the lack of perspective on how to approach this subject-matter. We are weak and foolish. We need to learn empathy and humility. We need to recognize women were created not to be dismissed but to be praised (Genesis 2:23), understood (1 Peter 3:7), and sacrificially loved (Ephesians 5:25).
But we probably can’t do this without women functioning as loving and gracious “ezers” in the church. Therefore, my hope is that women would see these moments of weakness in men as moments to minister to us in love and grace.
3. Don’t Lose Hope in the Church of Christ
One thing that breaks my heart is when I see women leave complementarian churches and start seeking with egalitarian ones that seem to do a far better job of empowering women. However, it’s understandable. I mean, if this is how complementarian churches treat women, there must be something wrong with this theology, right?
What’s interesting though is that if you look at history, the church has always maintained distinct gender roles. Yet at the same time, the church has always been known as a place of refuge for women. In every study of every region, it’s known fact that the ordinary participants in churches throughout history have been predominantly women. Why so?
According to historian Rodney Stark, “Women were especially drawn to Christianity because it offered them a life that was so greatly superior to the life they otherwise would have led.” That’s because in secular culture, women were treated more like chattel than people. They weren’t allowed to own personal property; their testimonies were considered invalid in court; and they weren’t able to have an education.
But in the church, women were seen as the “image of God” (Genesis 1:27) and treated as heirs of the promise (Galatians 3:28-29). In other words, the church was known to have always dignified women in a way the surrounding culture failed to do. And that’s because Jesus dignified women.
Throughout His earthly ministry, Jesus regularly interacted with women (Matthew 15:21-28; Luke 7:36-50; John 4:1-42). Some of Jesus’ earliest followers were women (Luke 8:2-3). His teachings and parables featured women (Matthew 25:1-10; Luke 15:8-10). The first witnesses of Jesus’ resurrection were women (Mattthew 28:1-10).
The church treated women with unprecedented dignity because Jesus treated women with unprecedented dignity. As author Dorothy Sayers writes,
“[Women] had never known a man like this Man…A prophet and teacher who never nagged at them, never flattered or coaxed or patronized; who never made jokes about them…who rebuked without querulousness and praised without condescension; who took their questions and arguments seriously; who never mapped out their sphere for them, never urged them to be feminine or jeered at them for being female; who had no axe to grind and no uneasy male dignity to defend; who took them as he found them and was completely unself-conscious.”
While the church always maintained gender distinctions and roles, it somehow simultaneously always empowered women like no other institution in the world. That’s because when a church is true to being like Jesus, the founder and perfecter of our faith (Heb 12:2), the church functioned as a city on a hill for women in the world. And I believe the church can still function as one today.
Therefore, I hope any woman who is discouraged by their complementarian brothers would not dismiss this doctrine but would help the church be true to it. Because when a church is truly complementarian, there can be no safer and dignifying place for a woman. I know it’s not easy to believe this in today’s #churchtoo climate where there are so many stories of abusive men in the church. But praise God that our hope lies not in men but in Christ to build up His church. May our hope lie in Him.
Conclusion
Once again, I know I may catch flack for writing this response. I might have said things that came off wrong. In a world where identity politics permeate our social media interactions, I know I’m not supposed to say anything to my complementarian sisters except, “I’m sorry.’“
But as I’ve learned from marriage, seeking dialogue and understanding tends to be more effective than apologies. As a pastor, I hope to help build a church culture where women are heard and dignified. I hope the women in our church would feel not relegated for their genders but celebrated because of how God uniquely designed them.
And I hope complementarianism wouldn’t just be seen as a challenge to women but for men as well. Hopefully, men can see the importance of knowing how God uniquely designed the genders to beautifully compliment one another in the household of God. But I think this can only be possible with a lot of help from our sisters in Christ. By God’s grace, I think it’s more than possible.