What Ezra, a Priest from Ancient Israel, Can Teach Us
Maybe you’ve tried dating Christians for years, but you haven’t met the one. All your friends are getting married and having kids, and you still RSVP as a party of one. As time passes you by, your options seem fewer and fewer, and your partner’s faith becomes more and more negotiable.
And if you’re a woman, it may seem like for every single Christian man there are two single Christian women. Your odds are much better outside of the church.
You wonder: Should I date someone who isn’t Christian? It seems like such a modern question. What could Ezra, a priest who lived in Israel 2,500 years ago, have to say to a person living in the 21st century?
No doubt there are big differences between the customs in Ezra’s time and ours today. And dating today has its own unique challenges. But if we’re willing to listen, the book of Ezra gives us timeless wisdom for navigating dating relationships in 2020.
Ezra’s Grief
After 70 years in exile, Israel had returned to the promised land. The temple that had been destroyed by the Babylonians was rebuilt and dedicated, the people celebrated Passover, and Ezra taught Israel about God. Things were looking good.
But when Ezra discovered that some of the Israelites had married women who didn’t worship the Lord, he was overwhelmed with grief (Ezra 9:1-2). Ezra cries out, “O my God, I am ashamed and blush to lift my face to you, my God, for our iniquities have risen higher than our heads, and our guilt has mounted up to the heavens” (Ezra 9:6). To our shock, when the Israelites see Ezra’s reaction, they repent and send away their wives and their children (Ezra 10:2-3).
It’s an extreme response. Does it apply to us today? Should a Christian divorce their spouse if they’re not Christian? Or to apply this to a less drastic situation: Should a Christian date someone who isn’t Christian?
In Ezra, Some Things Were Different
Before we dig deeper, let’s make sure we understand the context. Ezra made all of Israel take an oath that they would divorce their wiveswho did not worship the Lord (Ezra 10:1-5). It’s important to note that this command was given at a specific time in Israel’s history. It’s different from the present in at least two ways.
First, when God’s people were in the promised land, God’s judgment was sometimes sudden and final. It was a glimpse of the judgment God will bring at the end of the age.
Second, God had specifically commanded Israel, “You shall not intermarry with [the people of the land], giving your daughters to their sons or taking their daughters for your sons, for they would turn away your sons from following me, to serve other gods.” (Deuteronomy 7:3-4). But we don’t have a direct command like this today.
In the New Testament, we see that God has chosen to delay his judgment so that people might repent and worship him. He “is patient toward you, not wishing that any should perish, but that all should reach repentance” (2 Peter 3:9).
That’s why the apostle Paul gives us a different command in 1 Corinthians. “If any brother has a wife who is an unbeliever, and she consents to live with him, he should not divorce her. If any woman has a husband who is an unbeliever, and he consents to live with her, she should not divorce him” (1 Corinthians 7:12-13). Unlike the Israelites during the time of Ezra, we’re not commanded to divorce our spouses if they don’t worship God. So does this passage in Ezra apply to us today at all? I believe it does.
Ezra Gives Us Wisdom for Marriage
God commands the Israelites to not marry foreign women because “they would turn away your sons from following me, to serve other gods” (Deuteronomy 7:4). God does not forbid interracial marriages. I myself am in an interracial marriage. What God forbids is inter-religion marriages. God knew that spouses who did not share the faith of Israel would lead his people astray. The same thing happens today.
Sure, there are exceptions. My dad is one of them. He became a Christian more than 20 years after my mom converted. In fact, I became a Christian before he did. Praise God that my dad now worships the Lord! But for every exception, I know a dozen others who were led astray by a partner who didn’t share their love for God.
Even Solomon, who was “wiser than all other men,” was not immune to this (1 Kings 4:31). We’re told that he “loved many foreign women… And his wives turned away his heart. For when Solomon was old his wives turned away his heart after other gods, and his heart was not wholly true to the Lord his God, as was the heart of David his father” (1 Kings 11:1-4).
In fact, it is Solomon’s unfaithfulness to God in 1 Kings 11 that leads to the fracturing of the kingdom of Israel into two kingdoms. Solomon’s marriages to those who did not worship God had history-altering consequences.
In his letter to the church in Corinth, Paul says something quite similar to Deuteronomy 7:4. “A wife is bound to her husband as long as he lives. But if her husband dies, she is free to be married to whom she wishes, only in the Lord” (1 Corinthians 7:39, emphasis mine).
Theologians are largely in agreement that Paul is telling us we should only marry fellow believers. 1 If you become a Christian after marriage, you should not divorce your unbelieving spouse (1 Corinthians 7:12-13). But you shouldn’t join yourself to an unbeliever if you’re already a Christian.
If you marry someone who isn’t Christian, you’ll find yourself in a constant battle. You’ll know it’s important to worship with God’s people on Sunday morning, but staying in bed is all the more alluring when your spouse is under the covers, asking you to stay and watch T.V. You’ll want to raise your kids to know and love God, but your spouse’s unbelief will also influence them. Instead of your spouse being an encouragement and help in your faith (cf. Genesis 2:18), they’ll be a challenge to your faith.
Ezra Gives Us Wisdom for Dating
The Bible is clear: You should only marry another Christian. But what about dating?
While the book of Ezra and 1 Corinthians don’t specifically address dating relationships, they do give us wisdom for navigating such relationships. Consider how anguished Ezra was when he found out his fellow Israelites had married women who didn’t worship God. Ezra, like Paul after him, knew how easily unbelieving spouses can turn our hearts away from God. The same can happen in a dating relationship.
When you’re married, your spouse has a tremendous influence on you. They’re the person with whom you spend the most time, the one whose opinion you value most. My wife has changed me in the three years we’ve been married. Aside from imparting a craving for Vietnamese banh uot, she’s also made me more flexible, empathetic, and kind.
In dating, your partner won’t have the same level of influence on you, but it will still be significant. Their appreciation for jazz or their enthusiasm for the Chicago Cubs can rub off on you. So can their negativity or laziness or their indifference towards Christianity.
It’s just as Ezra said: Our romantic partners will inevitably change us. They can point you to Christ when you’re anxious or make you doubt God’s goodness when life gets tough. They can turn your heart towards God or away from God. And that’s something to take very seriously. Our sinful hearts are prone to wander, prone to leave the God we love. We need the forgiveness of Jesus Christ, who lived wholeheartedly for the glory of the Father. We need his Holy Spirit to strengthen our faith. And we need those closest to us to encourage us in our walk each day.
Here’s my advice: If you wouldn’t marry someone who isn’t Christian, don’t date someone who isn’t Christian.