When I was in seminary, professors and guest speakers would frequently remark that there was an epidemic of pastors not finishing well or not at retirement age. Many rightly argued that part of the reason for this burnout was loneliness; most pastors don’t have friends. In response, different fellowships and networks were started to create opportunities for relationships to grow organically.
Yet, when ministry longevity becomes the end goal, we invite abusive behavior to grow and thrive as red flags are ignored or those serving faithfully in the “lower rungs” of ministry are often sidelined or neglected out of selfishness, self-preservation, or comfort.
The Abusiveness of Social Uniformity
Friendships are vital for ministry health. Too often, however, friendships for the sake of ministry longevity imply a type of social uniformity that one must conform to in order for one to belong. A sense of entitlement often creeps in where, as laborers of the gospel, we believe we deserve a certain type of friend who can pour into us because we’re always pouring ourselves out in ministry. We begin to believe the lie that we must avoid people who drain us, especially fellow pastors, in order to survive in ministry.
Yet, pastors of all people should know that ministry is a daily call to take up the cross, not a daily call to take the easy way out. In practice, self-preservation through avoiding social non-conformists implies neglecting those with mental health issues, are neurodivergent, or bear various traumas.
But pastors are human too. They may not know in what ways they’re awkward, draining, or insecure. If they don’t know what they don’t know, is it our place to punish them for it? Rather than dismissing them for their lack of self-awareness, is it not more like our Savior to exercise patience and wait for teaching opportunities?
The result of social uniformity is an inner ring of power and favoritism that looks more like a middle school cafeteria than the Kingdom of God. But pastors of all people should model what friendships with people of different ideologies, personality quirks, and “sinners” should look like.
Because of the spaces of power we occupy, this isn’t merely a dynamic of “cool kids versus losers.” This is abuse. Abuse occurs when fellow ministry leaders are thrown under the bus or excluded from fellowship due to no moral fault of their own. The higher we go up on the ecclesiological ladder, the more abusive we can become.
Friendship as an Agent for Sanctification, not Self-Preservation
We need to stop seeing friends as a means for self-preservation but as one of God’s agents for sanctification. Accountability among friends in ministry is appropriate and needed. Yet, when accountability or vulnerability becomes an excuse for social uniformity, then we’ve missed the sanctifying purpose of friendships.
Just as Jacob prefers the speckled and spotted (i.e., non-conforming) sheep and adds them to his flock, Christ ultimately shows us that Kingdom shepherding means inviting the least likely of friends (tax collectors, fishermen, academics, and political zealots) to mold them into friends. He even gives opportunities to those who betrayed him to restore their friendships with him.
Not surprisingly, how pastors pursue friendships is often a model for how the rest of their congregation pursues friendships. Friendships based on self-preservation are inherently class-based. Churches can’t adequately address racial and elitist systemic issues and serve “the least of these” in a social sense when friendships are about comfort and familiarity.
You can tell right away whether a church is confronting racial and socioeconomic issues simply based on the kinds of friends the pastors have. There’s nothing countercultural or impressive about only having friends that dress like us, talk like us, share the same hobbies as we do, eat at the same restaurants as we do, etc.
Finish Well, not Finish at Retirement Age
Perhaps it’s time we stop idolizing ministry longevity. It’s okay to take a long sabbatical, to change jobs mid-career, or to simply just quit ministry. There’s no shame in throwing in the towel unexpectedly. Ultimately, as Christ’s righteousness is the source of our worth as pastors, our job isn’t to finish at retirement age. Rather, our job is to finish well and, in this case, by modeling friendships across the aisle with different and difficult people.
This isn’t to say we ought to be friends with everyone everywhere. But we ought to prayerfully consider who God has strategically placed in our lives that he has called us to love, serve, encourage, and form friendships with for their good and ours.
As a Presbyterian, I’ve often been discouraged by and guilty of the lip service we give to the principle of connectionalism in our polity. I’ll be the first to confess that I haven’t done this well. It’s easy to make excuses for why I only want to “invest” into the people that will bring me the best social or emotional returns.
But as I repent of my capitalistic worldview and a transactional approach to friendships, I’m seeing how I have hurt people in the past and my need to repent of selfishness and self-preserving posture. Sure, we ought to protect ourselves and our families from people who intend to cause us harm, but we should never let caution overtake our responsibility to take up the cross and follow our Savior in developing friendships with people not like us.