Editor’s Note: This essay was originally published at the Emmaus Counseling and Consulting Services blog here. It has been republished with permission with light editing.
October is Pastors Appreciation Month. Over the years, my husband, now in this 28th year of ministry, has been showered with written words, delicious meals, generous gift cards, and much-desired services like babysitting for our then toddlers, all affirming his impact in ministry. But as I think of some, trudging through prolonged and unrelenting seasons of discouragement, I wonder, what else is needed to help pastors finish faithfully.
Within the past year, stories of pastors have circulated our social media feeds and inboxes. Sadly, a significant number of them have been disheartening: pastors struggling with their mental health, some struggles intensifying to unbearable levels, and even tragic suicides. They expose marital affairs, promiscuous behaviors; allegations of sexual and spiritual abuse; and manipulative use of power. Our current dealings with COVID-19 have also elevated weariness and insecurity in pastors.
In my counseling office, I’ve had the privilege of sitting with a handful of pastors and their wives, hearing their recounts of restlessness, depression, loneliness, burnout, doubt, hurt, addictions, betrayal, and relational and marital strife. In my marriage, I sit courtside, bearing witness to the highs and lows of ministry and their impact on my husband spiritually, emotionally, mentally, and physically.
Given these vantage points, I hope this essay can help explore how we — those who have benefited in some way from Biblical guidance, pastoral care, leadership, and wisdom — can play a salient role in our pastors’ well-being and how they cross their finish line. Because many pastors, if not all, began with earnestness, passion, dynamism, certainty, and hopefulness. And we desire even more to see them end well by joining Paul’s proclamation, “I have fought the good fight, I have finished the race, I have kept the faith” (2 Timothy 4:7).
We begin by 1) asking curious questions and 2) encouraging them to cultivate personal desires.
Ask Curious Questions
The needs that fill a pastor’s inbox and voicemail are endless. They are approached with one problem after another. They hear confidential requests for prayer after being fired from a job, for counsel after addictions have wreaked relational havoc, and for visitation upon learning of a child’s terminal medical diagnosis. People ask them for input on administrative tasks like what font to use on an announcement or where to display the welcome signs in the church lobby.
While their role prepares them for these types of questions, the amount of questions they must answer on behalf of others versus themselves is grossly lopsided. That’s because when pastors provide pastoral care, they are asking questions on behalf of others, wanting them to be known and loved by the gospel. They are constantly pouring out. But who is pouring into them?
Pastors need people who are willing to see them for more than what they can offer their congregation and the community. Their humanity needs to be weighed and remembered. This means they need people who are willing to be honest about how they might be projecting personal and potentially unrealistic expectations on their church leaders and pastoral staff.
Pastors need their congregation to ask curious questions that genuinely seek to know their story. What hopes did they have when they began ministry but felt like they had to forgo? What spoken or unspoken expectations weigh heavy on their heart but are not well for their soul? What does good care look like and how do they best feel cared for?
We need to ask the kind of questions that extend the conversation past the usual, “Thanks for sharing,” response and inquire about their rescue from the fall and their glorious redemption. And this needs to happen not just once, but continuously. They too need reminders of the goodness of the gospel. They too are prone to forget that in Christ, they are beloved and enough.
Encourage Them To Cultivate Personal Desires
Growing in personal desires is an area that pastors often overlook. They are bent on serving the welfare of others and seeking their growth. Moreover, they work hard to meet public and private expectations of performance and productivity. They don’t want to disappoint or let down; they want to please. Unfortunately, these standards dishearten and demoralize over time. They are not sustainable and will likely lead to burnout and disillusionment.
Pastors need to be encouraged to cultivate personal interests and pleasures that are life-giving and point them to the rest and feasting promised in Christ. They need laughter to reverberate through their bodies, good food and good company to awaken their senses, and satisfaction that accompanies creating to satiate their appetite for goodness and beauty, such as hiking a rocky terrain to reach the cliff and take in the view, creating a bonfire with wood you split, or honing the art of making drip coffee. They need to be reminded that they are created with glory and for glory (Psalm 8:5).
If you find yourself hesitant about this point, I sympathize with you. It’s understandable to wonder if these “personal desires” will lead to idolatry and sin. In our marriage, we’ve experienced the evolution of an interest into an addiction, and it was like living a bad dream.
But jumping into black-and-white, all-or-nothing thinking is not the solution. These reactions may give the illusion of protection from devastation, but it will also riddle you with anxiety. It will consume your thoughts with fear and rob you of the joy of being fully engaged in life. It will taunt your sleep and your body will absorb the stress of excessive worrying. Instead, remember that seeking things that reflect Jesus’ promise for “life and life abundantly” found in John 10:10 does not come without struggle.
Lastly, the gospel allows us to wrestle with the tension between delight that increases our hunger for Christ and the lures of this world that takes good things and morphs them into idols.
If you are contemplating how to show appreciation to your pastor, consider praying for them and even sharing with them how you are praying. Celebrate with them when they discover and grow in interests and hobbies that bring them satisfaction and joy. Let us be part of the crowd in a long-distance race cheering our pastors through the mundane and arduous, toward the glorious finish.