I remember the moment when I knew she was the one. That’s right—there was a point when I knew who my wife would be. I even remember the exact date and even the location of when I knew.
When did I know she was the one?
It was the moment I was pledging my marriage vows.
Standing with my wife on that wedding day, making a promise before God—that was when I knew I’d spend my life with her. Before that, I didn’t know. I hadn’t made the promise yet.
Many of us believe in “The One,” the idea of a soulmate or a single person meant for each person. In other words, it’s the belief that there is only one particular person God has reserved for each of us.
But accompanying this belief is the worry that we have to figure out who this person is. It’s as if God gives us the burden of solving a mystery in order to find the person we have to marry. But is that really how it works?
Here are four reasons why we should let go of the Idea of “The One.”
1. The Notion of “The One” Leads to an Absurd Conclusion
Consider the implications of the idea that “The One” exists. If Person #1 marries the wrong person, he/she has married “The One” of Person #2. Then Person #2 ends up marrying “The One” of Person #3, and so on. In other words, if each person has “The One,” then marrying the wrong person leads to a catastrophic chain reaction where many, many people are in the “wrong marriage.”
2. Searching for “The One” Degrades Singleness
Subscribing to the notion of “The One” often makes us think that our “soulmate” will complete us, which means we are incomplete without marriage. This is toxic thinking as life is made complete only through Christ. He is the One who makes us whole. A married person is just as empty without Christ as a single person.
Also, the idea that someone is incomplete without a spouse can lead to single people being shamed. Sometimes churchgoers can even treat singles like they have a disease: “Still single? I’ll keep praying for you.”
But singleness is not a curse. Singles are often the most faithful and available servants in the church. Accordingly, marriage is the hardest thing I’ve ever done. It takes a lot of work. I have to constantly die to myself and serve an imperfect person, and as an imperfect person myself, it is a difficult and constant task.
3. Believing in “The One” Can Lead to Idolatry
If you’re single, trying to find “The One” can lead to a “me”-centered attitude about marriage. You might be tempted to think: “Is she the right person for me? Will he meet my needs? You might even believe that your “soulmate” will provide all the blessings without you putting in hard work.
But marriage is more about serving than being served. It’s more about giving than getting. If you’re married, believing in “The One” can lead you to wrongly think about “me” more than “we.”
If you’re married, believing in “The One” can lead to idolatry of your spouse. Many married folks can lose themselves in their marriage by putting their spouse before all else—even above God. Your marriage should glorify God, not replace him. As both of you follow Jesus, your union should grow to reflect the relationship between Christ and the church (Ephesians 5:31-32).
4. The Bible Doesn’t Support The Idea of “The One”
The Scriptures don’t teach that there’s only one right answer to the question, “Whom should I marry?” To be sure, sometimes God points out someone in particular. The Lord made it clear that Rebekah would marry Isaac (Genesis 24:14-15) and urged Joseph to have Mary as his wife (Matthew 1:20). But this is not the norm. In the vast majority of marriages described in the Bible, there’s no indication that one particular person is meant for someone. In fact, many marriages were (and are still) arranged.
While the Bible doesn’t support the concept of “The One,” it is clear that marriage is a lifelong commitment. Here’s the teaching of Jesus:
“…from the beginning of creation, ‘God made them male and female. Therefore a man shall leave his father and mother and hold fast to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh.’ So they are no longer two but one flesh. What therefore God has joined together, let not man separate. (Mark 10:6-9)
Unless your spouse has broken the wedding vows through adultery, negligence, or abuse, Jesus teaches that we must remain committed. Once you start entertaining the idea that your spouse might be the “wrong person,” you’ve become unfaithful to your spouse. If you ever wonder if you’re “missing out,” you’ve mentally broken your wedding vows and are walking on the path to divorce.
Perhaps you have freedom in choosing whom to marry or perhaps you don’t (if marriage is arranged). In any case, the Bible clearly teaches that marriage is for life. That’s why my wife and I made vows to each other on our wedding day. We intend to keep those vows for life.
If you’re single, instead of, “Is this person The One?”, a better question would be, “If we got married, would it be wise?” The Bible and wise counsel can help answer this and additional questions:
- Would we spur each other to follow Jesus?
- Would we have the same values when making decisions?
- How would our union impact others?
If you’re married, instead of wondering, “Did I marry the wrong person?” a better question would be, “How can we make our marriage healthier and more God-pleasing?” Again, the Bible and wise counsel can help answer this and additional questions:
- How can our marriage reflect the relationship between Christ and the Church?
- How can I serve my spouse best?
- How can we bring glory to God together?
God doesn’t necessarily reserve one specific “soulmate” for each person, expecting each of us to solve the riddle. Rather, marriage gives each of us an opportunity to reflect the committed, sacrificial love God has for his people. So let us put aside thoughts of “the One” and instead follow the Lord’s leading in all things, including our relationships.