Editor’s Note: This testimony discusses sexual assault and its aftereffects.
To the Church,
I’m writing this to you as a friend and as a sister in Christ. I hope God speaks through my words and comforts you, as He has comforted me.
This past season of my life has been marked by great suffering, but it has also brought great healing. I wanted to open up about my story, so I’m grateful for this opportunity to share.
Several years ago, I was sexually assaulted multiple times by a man I trusted.
I won’t disclose any further details about the assault. But in order for you to fully grasp the scope of God’s great healing power, I’ll describe the suffering I was in.
For a period of time, darkness devoured me. My perpetrator was gone, yet I was still being assaulted by memories of the abuse. Every single night I traveled back in time, watching helplessly as I was violently sinned against.
When I closed my eyes, I remembered his touch. My body would tremble with fear and tears would spill from my eyes. I couldn’t breathe and wanted to throw up. It was as if he was still there, haunting me. I cried myself to sleep every night and woke up in tears, the memories as vivid as ever. The stress and fatigue had me bedridden for days.
Whenever I was triggered, I’d grab my hair and pull it as hard as I could, hoping that the pain from pulling my hair could help me forget the pain of the sexual assault. I’d cry out in bitter agony, mercilessly reliving the traumatic memories day after day, night after night.
I couldn’t bear looking at the mirror. I hated my body and was disgusted by it. I wanted a new one. This one was used, dirty, and worth nothing. I so desperately wanted to be clean. I never wanted to be sexually assaulted… and if I could, I would have poured oil all over my body and lit myself on fire, just to feel pure again.
My relationship with God hit rock bottom. I fell — hard. I was angry at Him for allowing this to happen. I didn’t understand. I cursed Him from the bottom of my heart. I screamed at Him and rejected Him. I blamed Him for everything.
I tried to read my bible, but it was just ink on paper. God was not safe, I decided. God was not trustworthy. God did not care about me. And God was happy that I was sexually assaulted.
At this point, there was very little I could do for myself.
I couldn’t think straight and I didn’t have the ability to utter a simple prayer. I couldn’t do this on my own, but I knew I needed prayer. So, I reached out to those around me, took a chance, and poured out my heart to them. And I firmly believe, with all my heart, that the prayers of those around me have carried me to where I am today.
It was a long, grueling process. God slowly healed my thoughts. He gave me space and time to grieve. He showed me His heart for me through His Word, He helped me to truly understand the Gospel, and He lavished His love upon me.
He was with me, every step of the way. Even when I was being assaulted by the memories, I felt His comforting presence. Even when I was angry at Him, He pursued my heart. Even when I walked away, He was still there. He cried with me and knew every single ounce of my pain. His heart broke, and He was angry at the sin that was done against me.
I remember falling to my knees with tears streaming down my face as I felt God embrace me. In my mind’s eye, I saw the memories of the assault. If I could describe them as shapes, they were like squares — rigid, harsh, strong, and well-defined. But then, their edges softened. They became round like circles and the lines around them slowly disappeared until the memories themselves became shapeless. I felt them fade into the background.
Since then, the memories have become even fainter. Certain situations still trigger me and I don’t think it’ll ever be completely painless, but the memories do not control me anymore.
Friends, some of you may be hurting.
Perhaps you feel used, abandoned, forgotten, or lonely. Perhaps you are being crushed under the weight of an emotional pain that keeps you awake at night. Perhaps you feel dirty, tainted, broken, or beyond redemption. Or perhaps you’ve been violated like me.
If so, I’d like you to know that God hasn’t forgotten about you. Just as God didn’t abandon me, He hasn’t abandoned you. And He will never abandon you.
May God give you the faith to believe that He is all that He says He is. I pray that God keeps His healing hand over your hurting heart and helps you to understand His. I pray for the courage and humility to reach out to those around you, boldly asking for prayer. I pray this season brings you closer to God and gives you a greater appreciation of the Gospel and how unquestionably sweet it is.
I pray my words can point you to the only one who can heal you. No one and nothing can offer you the healing your soul craves. God is the only one who can save you. It is the blood of Christ alone that washes away the darkest of sins. Truly, what a wondrous thing it is, that the almighty God, the God who created the universe, sees you. He knows every single creature that dwells on the ocean floor and tells the sun to rise and set. He holds the entire world in His hands, and still He cares for you.
This has been the deepest and lowest valley of my life and God has seen me through it. When the world around me was dark, God Himself was the light that gave me hope and propelled me forward. Now, having gone through the valley, God has given me a deeper understanding of His heart.
He is helping me forgive the man who sexually assaulted me. He is freeing me from bitterness and resentment. He is redeeming my suffering. He has healed me, is healing me, and will continue to heal me until I am in heaven.
May we trust His heart.